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My World

A brief overview of my situation to help set the stage.

My divorce was amicable with the goal being to avoid the courts to ensure that we had control over how our world would be divided both financially and as parents. It was important to both of us that the kids had strong relationships with both of us and saw both parents in a positive light. It was not easy by any means, but we both gave a lot to keep the peace.

We share custody 50/50 with the kids staying at our homes every other week. On the weeks that we don’t have the kids we have one night a week where the other parent has dinner with them. Our homes are very close (within 5 miles) making it easier to co-parent and be there when needed. These were all conscious decisions some more difficult than others.

It would be very easy for each of us to say, “Hey … it’s your week … you deal with it.” But we both choose to be there when the other needs. It makes both of our lives easier knowing we have back up. My personal feeling (I can’t speak for my ex-wife) is what’s the point of being jerks about it. Who benefits? Certainly not the kids and neither do we. The bottom line is we’re going to be in each other’s lives the rest of our kids lives whether we like it or not. It’s the reality. So as difficult and frustrating as it can be at times, we make every effort to help when we can and be flexible with schedules. In the end we both get to see the kids more on weeks when they aren’t with us which benefits everyone.

I have chosen to work independently to provide more flexibility with my schedule. Not everyone has that luxury and I may not always have it in the future. But I work hard to maintain it and provide that for the kids. For now I’m lucky.

Our divorce is relatively new so there aren’t other adults directly involved (boyfriend / girlfriend). That will probably change down the road and when it does it’ll certainly bring on an entirely new set of issues. But for now it’s just us.

Obviously, your world and situation may be different. Fortunately for us there was no abuse, no drugs, no infidelity etc. that led to our divorce. I can’t imagine how I would approach things if that were the case. I can only tell you about my situation and how I face things day to day.

I sincerely hope you find value in the posts that find there way onto “Life as a Divorced Dad” and hope you’ll consider passing it along to others who may be struggling with life as a single parent through divorce.

 

7 responses to “My World

  1. Looking at divorce

    October 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    THIS! I wish that more people could “be adults” about the divorce process. But then again, not everybody learns how to grow up. My mother made sure to fight tooth and nail against my dad. He spent his whole married life giving her what she wanted and finally he said enough is enough.

     
  2. Joseph

    December 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Unfortunately, my situation is way different; she lives in our home with the four kids and I live in an apt. I have a civil service job, and just don’t make enough money to afford to keep two households going…my bills are piling up as we speak…I never dreamed my life, at 55, would be this difficult.

     
    • David Martin

      October 30, 2014 at 1:48 pm

      Joseph, Its been almost 2 years since you posted. I sure would like to hear an update. I am newly divorced and in an almost identical situation at the moment.

       
  3. janewby21

    April 18, 2014 at 3:23 am

    I just found your site and it is great to hear about other men with similar issues. I wish my situation was as clean as yours and I totally could have worked things out the way you described. Unfortunately I’m back in court fighting for things that should have been dealt with in the beginning because my ex chose to file at her attorneys advice while we were living overseas due to her military service. Because of this my children are living 2 time zones away and I have struggled to cope with the distance emotionally and financially. I miss them terribly and my relationship with them seems to be slipping away due to time and distance. I have standard visitation but each time they come hear or I go there she acts out emotionally and it makes it difficult for them to enjoy their time with me. Although October will be 5 years she still chooses to make things difficult and attempts to portray me as a bad father. Recently she filed for more CS so I’m going to push for more time and involvement. I grew up without my father and this feels like the worst thing that could have possibly happened in life. Thanks for sharing your insight. It’s very helpful.

     
    • divorced dad

      April 18, 2014 at 9:25 am

      That’s pure hell right there. Wish I had a magic answer for you. All I can tell you is that my ex and I both acknowledged how crucial it was for the kids to have relationships with both parents. When we did that, and put the focus on them, it made it somewhat easier to put aside our differences at times. I think it’s true that every child needs a bond with both their mom and dad and we both do things to encourage that fact even when we’re not that thrilled with each other. Maybe there’s a way to convey your experience as a child and get your ex to acknowledge the value. Best to you.

       
  4. cidminion

    June 9, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    I’m recently separated (my choice). Though my decision wasn’t because i had someone in my sights or looking to bachelor crazy, i did have a lot of resistance at first. Sadly now my kids don’t want to talk to me. They’re 8 and 6. Actually its just my daughter, who is 8, that doesn’t want to talk. Slowly but surely the constant silence is eating me. I’m in the military, and i spend periods of time away. The one thing that always got me through tough moments was the love that my daughter shared with me. Though its fresh it just feels as if she’s trying to eliminate me and i tell you what boys, its breaking me down. My stamina is down, my drive is deteriorating and all i can think about is talking to my kids. Have any of you experienced this before because I’m looking for hope.

     
    • billfilipiak

      June 9, 2015 at 5:44 pm

      One thing I can promise you is that you’re her dad and that’s not going to change. She’s likely taking in a lot of intel and attempting to make sense of it. At 8 she’s not stupid. She likely understands a lot more than anyone is giving her credit for. Just keep reassuring her and letting her know both in words and actions how much she means to your soul and when she’s ready she’ll open up. Most importantly the kids need to know without a doubt that they are in no way a reason for the separation. You’re in the thick of it at the moment. It is fresh. It’s still registering in everyone’s head. World’s are rocked. It’s a difficult thing to wrap your head around. Especially when you’re 8. My oldest daughter was 8 when my wife and I split. She was mad at both of us. Takes a little time for everyone. Just be positive and keep moving. Take a deep breathe. Know that every day is a fresh beginning and a little more understanding. Keep me posted.

       

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