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Category Archives: Exercise

Dating and Divorce

First, let me say that I don’t believe there is one rule that fits every divorced person’s circumstance. There are a million and one variables that all need to be taken into consideration. All I can share with you is my own personal take and experience.

I had waited on writing about dating for several reasons. One of the big ones is that I had tended to go against the grain in terms of my take on dating while divorced. So I thought I’d wait until the time was right where I could judge whether or not my thinking worked or not. For me personally, it worked. After five years of divorce I have gotten married for a second time and couldn’t be happier or more optimistic. So what’s my take on dating and how does it differ from conventional thinking?

I’ve heard the rule, “wait six months before you introduce your kids to someone you’re dating.” I’ve heard the reasons as well. But here’s the thing; I disagree with many of them and here’s why.

  • Conventional Rule: “You should know you’re in love and ready to marry someone before you introduce them to your kids.” Sorry, but this is, in my humble opinion, so off base and backwards. Assuming we’re talking about younger children, the person you’re going to marry and their relationship with your kids is as, if not more important than the relationship between the two of you. How you all mesh and interact as a family is going to be crucial to the success of your relationship. If you feel this relationship has some legs, to me a next logical step is to see if your kids like the person as well.You don’t have to profess that this is the person you’re going to marry. For me, finding out that a woman is nurturing and can handle the temperament of young children is a big deal. For them to see me as a parent is equally important. To have fallen in love only to learn that the kids didn’t like her or that she was abrasive with my kids would have been devastating. So how soon is too soon? In my instance I first let the kids know that I’d met someone I liked about four weeks in and introduced them in a very simple manner after about six weeks. They were then the ones who encouraged me to keep going. In short they were very much aware and a part of the process.
  • Conventional Rule: “You need to protect young minds and hearts.” Yes, absolutely, this is very true. And you as the parent will know what your child is capable of handling. But here’s a reality; children will deal with loss their entire lives. Friends will move, loved ones will pass, it’s part of life. I’m not suggesting you introduce them to a new potential spouse every month. I’m saying, I think there are benefits to letting them meet someone earlier on in the relationship once you recognize there may be something there. As mentioned, you don’t have to say, “Hey kids meet your new mommy!” Keep it simple and just introduce them to a new friend. They’re not stupid. Kids are remarkably intuitive and will offer you some insights even you didn’t think of. And if it doesn’t work out, you’ll be there to help them through it and they’ll be there to help you as well.
  • “You need to protect young minds and hearts Part II.” – Personally I think we can overprotect our children sometimes. I tend to be very open and honest with my kids. I don’t hide much. So the very idea of keeping that kind of a secret from them for six months; sorry, just couldn’t fathom it. And believe me, they’re not dumb. They know what’s going on. And I personally believe they’ll feel a bit of resentment knowing you kept it from them and didn’t include them.

Bottom line: dating is a part of life that each of your children will encounter. You will be there giving advice the entire time and they’ll likely ignore most of it. Here’s an opportunity for you to provide them with a lesson in real time. I believe these are amazing teaching opportunities. For your children to be able to watch you navigate dating and eventually / hopefully developing a new relationship and to experience the good and the bad with you is an amazing gift.

It was actually my daughters who set me up on Match after about six months of divorce. So they were interested in seeing me date. They even tried to set me up a few times. Throughout the five years between my divorce and 2nd marriage, my children asked me all kinds of questions about dating and the discussions we had were invaluable.

I never took dating lightly. I was never into one night stands or just dating to be in a relationship. I only dated a couple of women seriously before meeting my current wife. And the kids new about a good number of them. They saw me go through the process and learned from each one through open and honest communication. Through it, they learned that there’s more to a relationship than just attraction and getting along.  And together we found a perfect match for all of us. I personally wouldn’t have handled a single instance differently.

 
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Posted by on September 6, 2016 in dating, Exercise, Uncategorized

 

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P&G’s Epic Olympic Fail

I’d like to start by saying how much respect I have for moms and everything they (you) do for our children. That includes my ex-wife who is an amazing mom and is incredibly supportive of our kids. I’d also like to begin by stating that this is not a bitter retort on P&G’s Olympic ad campaign rather an attempt to point out how short sighted the company’s view may have been when they first conceived this brand initiative.

First I’d simply like to remind Proctor & Gamble that dads buy your products too. We’re also very much involved in encouraging our kids’ interests and dreams; sacrificing our time, money and sometimes even our careers to ensure we’re there for them every step of the way. We typically work in tandem with mom to ensure every practice is metproctor-and-gamble and every game watched. Whether we’re married, single, divorced, gay or straight, we are equally involved in helping our children pursue their dreams. This is not about who does more, it’s about everyone sharing the responsibility, the sacrifices and those precious moments of victory. Bottom line; there was a chance here to present to the world how much America still believes in working together as a family and you completely missed it.

I was under the impression that as a society, dads were becoming more and more recognized for how involved they are in their kids’ lives. How many soccer practices, dance rehearsals, volleyball matches, drama club meetings and countless other weekly if not daily events they get their kids to. The endless lunches, dinners, snacks, loads of laundry, doctors visits and bedtime stories they’re responsible for. How many times they volunteer to coach, mentor and encourage not only their own kids but their neighbor’s kids as well. Again, not taking away from what moms do, I simply can’t fathom why P&G felt it a good idea to single out one side of such an important equation rather than take this opportunity to encourage more dads to be a part of their kids lives as I believe kids need both their mom AND dad involved.

I’m going to bet that a good majority of moms rely on their spouses or ex’s to be a part of the team. An important word that seems to have been ignored by P&G for a sporting event by the way; team. Show me a dad who hasn’t cried procter_gamble_prodthe first time he saw his daughter complete a routine during a skating competition. Point me to a father who hasn’t had an out of body experience after watching his son or daughter score their first goal. By ignoring this half of the population and parental team (there’s that word again) P&G is not only ignoring an enormous piece of their profit pie, but they’re subtly insinuating that dad was too uninterested to take time to watch his kid’s practice.

As someone who has personally thrown thousands of pitches to my daughter, hit endless pop flies, tossed a million footballs, gotten up at 6 am to run 2 miles with my 8-year-old, and sat with all the other moms and dads for hours on a Saturday during dance rehearsals I can tell you my contributions are only a fraction of what many dads do. I have friends who drive hundreds of miles to their daughter’s gymnastics competitions and still others who coach travel baseball and softball teams which requires a commitment of 6-7 days a week for months on end. And when mom is the one driving the kids to practice, there’s a good chance it’s dad who’s at home doing the laundry and putting the dishes away.

P&G would no doubt respond by saying, “we aren’t discounting the efforts of dads.” And I’m sure that wasn’t by any means their intent. The problem with the campaign is the lack of understanding it shows for the struggles many fathers go through when fighting to even see their kids every other weekend. Or the perception of the role of fathers when they face a judge during a custody battle. Or how important it is that we take every opportunity to encourage those dads who may NOT be involved to care and take an interest in their children. To you it’s a celebration of mom, to me it’s a two generation step backward in our society’s growth in understanding the importance of a father in a child’s life. Proctor & Gamble, you had an amazing opportunity to celebrate the importance of family and everyone who is involved in advancing the dreams of our children not to mention how important it is to be not just a family, but a team regardless of how you define family. Why you chose the direction of your campaign I honestly don’t know, but I will tell you I’m personally deducting major points and will strongly consider leaving your product on the podium during my next trip to the grocery store, a trip I typically take with three kids in tow btw.

 

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Regaining Control – One Stride At A Time

I write on this topic quite often, but it can’t be said enough.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed. If you feel rundown. If you feel beat up. If you can’t think straight. If you have the impression that everything is falling apart and you can’t catch a break. Stop what you’re doing, put on some sneakers and go work out. Run for thirty minutes. Go walk for an hour. Go to the gym and lift weights. Go sweat. Put your energy into letting out some aggression. Release the anxiety. Give your mind a break. Give yourself some “me” time. If you have the kids ask someone to come watch them for an hour.

– First: You will have completed an attainable goal and will have a sense of accomplishment.
– Second: Your body will release endorphins and you will have worked muscles that otherwise would be running-cheaper-than-therapy-squareclenched.
– Third: You will clear your head and have time to think without the phone ringing, kids pulling at your shirt, deadlines hanging over your head or clutter around the house overwhelming you.
– Fourth: You will give yourself a sense of control. YOU decided what was going to happen next. YOU chose to take advantage of a beautiful autumn morning. YOU made it happen. And it worked.

I guarantee you this is a priority. Everything else can wait an hour. You cannot.

All too often we let our lives control us. Every once in a while we need to remind ourselves that we have more control than we give ourselves credit for. Our success or failure depends on a lot of things and obviously there are some things we simply cannot control. But we often let things control us simply out of a lack of effort to stand up and take advantage of the strengths we have. We let fear, depression, anxiety, and ourselves keep us from making things happen. They are excuses and we give them too much credit. This is an opportunity to remind us that we do indeed have the ability to change the course of our day. And the benefits are never ending.

Now go sweat and suck in some fresh air and tell me it doesn’t make a difference. Better yet; go to my facebook page (facebook.com/lifeasadivorceddad) and post a picture of where you decided to go.

 

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Scream To High Heaven!

O.k. guys.

Tomorrow morning. You’re going to wake up. You’ll think; “Man, I should really go out and run or something.” Then you’ll lay in bed thinking about it for another ten minutes. You’ll get up. Check your e-mail. Go to facebook, waste another hour. Check the headlines. Weather.com. And suddenly it’ll be too late.Image

So tomorrow break the pattern.

Wake up. Get your ass out of bed. Throw on some treads and head outside. Sweat. Use your stress and pent up anxiety as fuel. Put that negativity you’ve felt building up to good use. Sprint. Scream to high heaven while you’re doing it. Get it out! Just do it. Walk once in a while if you have to. But get out there. Work it out. Move.

Push yourself. I don’t care if you’re in your pajamas. Let the neighbors ask their spouses, “who’s the idiot running through the neighborhood in his boxers?” Just grind it out. Sweat brother! Sweat! For a minimum of thirty minutes focus all of your energy on working every muscle in your body, including your mind. Go until you can’t go any longer.  Then collapse for thirty minutes.

The following day, tell me you weren’t calmer the rest of the day and that you didn’t sleep better. Tell me you weren’t in a much better mental state. Tell me it didn’t feel good to just sweat without twenty seven people pulling at you from all sides. It will change you and your ability to cope with everything you’re going through.

I dare you to prove me wrong.

 

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Walk A Mile In My Shoes

As a runner I often see parallels between the sport and life. This weekend I recognized another one that I believe is relevant to any single parent, dad OR mom.
Walking to Improve Running460

I used to loath walking during a run. Felt like I was quitting. For me if I didn’t run the complete four miles I was wimping out. To walk was not pushing hard enough. I’ve always been like that in life too. Constantly going and feeling guilty if I stopped to relax and enjoy myself for a moment. I recently read a book about introverts and extraverts and how introverts have periods where they simply need to leave the “party” and recharge. Thirty minutes in another room where it’s quiet and they’re alone. While I’ve always considered myself to be an extravert I believe on some level we all need to recharge from time to time and simply shut out the world. Especially when you have kids running around the house. Trying to keep up the pace of juggling work, the kids and the house can be grueling. It’s something you need to literally train for and sometimes, we need to walk.

And that’s OK.

When training on the pavement, and attempting to teach our bodies and minds to go farther we need to catch our breath from time to time. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If all we do is go hard at it for 3 ss_1miles EVERY time then that’s as far as we’ll ever be able to go. Kids push us to get back up and start running again whether we’re ready or not. So we learn to walk once in a while in between the longer stretches. Can you imagine doing what you’re capable of today three years ago? I remember when we had our third child. One day we only had one of them when two of them were at their great grandmother’s. We realized how easy just one was. But there was a time when “just one” was more than enough.

So this weekend, in an effort to go a little farther, I allowed myself to walk during my run. And you know what? I ended up going twice as far.

As a single parent, I think it’s OK to walk once in a while and recharge. In fact, it’s necessary if you have any chance of learning how to make it through the entire marathon. The secret is to just keep moving forward.

Peace!

 
 
 
 
 

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