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Category Archives: boyfriends

Too Young To Date?

Sing it with me, “She is 13 going on 29.” Honestly, you couldn’t pay me enough money to be an eleven-year-old in today’s society. The peer expectations and influences are mind blowing. The idea of dating has actually come up in our households. It’s also coming up in our daughter’s friends households and I’m sure there are different opinions in every home if not more than one. Couple that with the fact that our kids are inundated with messages on television and on-line that are down right scary; and you’ve got quite a challenge. As parents it can be difficult to stick to your guns on the topic. So I started putting some thoughts on paper and came up with 10 tips that may (or may not) help.

1. You know as well as anyone that our kids are great at making it sound like everyone else’s parents are “OK with it.” Well, trust me, they’re not. Just call and ask them. They’re likely in the same boat as you are. A goodyes relationship with your kid’s friends’ parents is golden. Support each other as much as you can. Or if nothing else, let them know the rules in YOUR house so that they’re aware because I guarantee you your daughter’s friend has said “Her dad said it’s OK.”

2. It’s OK to make your ten-year-old delete their “Vine” and “SnapChat” apps. I’m sorry, but they’re not appropriate for a nine or eleven-year-old. I don’t care who else has them. Some of the videos and images shared on these platforms are down right offensive. And I can’t think of any reason a ten-year-old would need to ensure an image is gone after a few minutes. Why go there?

3. I’m a firm believer that every kid, as much as they argue and battle, like knowing that you’re all up in their “stuff” when it comes to their personal lives. That doesn’t mean you have to be hateful about it. Just a part of it. They want to know you care enough to stick your nose in their business. I also believe whole hardily that they need and “want” us to help them say no, because on their own they feel pressured and overwhelmed. Knowing they can use us as an excuse to say no is not a bad thing. Again, that doesn’t mean you have to be mean or a jerk about it. Just subtly let them know you’re watching and involved.

4. Trust your gut, but be open to giving a little. It’s important for your eleven-year-old to learn how to interact with the opposite sex appropriately. If we can encourage boy/girl friendships and give them opportunities to learn to respect and appreciate each other as more than just the opposite sex at an early age I think it’s a win / win. Because in a couple of years their bodies and hormones are going to take over and they’re not going to be thinking straight.

5. Now more than ever you need to put aside your differences and work out a mutually agreed upon plan of
action with your ex in terms of how you’re going to approach dating and your pre-teen. If your kid knows their mom and dad are unified and that both are going to be communicating and sharing, it’s a huge coup. the-delicates-too-young-to-date-londonConversely, if they feel left to themselves to figure it out or learn that they can play mom and dad against each other, I can’t imagine it working out well.

6. It’s going to mean giving up your free time and off-nights, but be open to being there as a parental chaperone for group get togethers perhaps even along with your ex. It’ll drive your daughter crazy but as a dad (and mom), this is a great compromise; “Sure, you can go as a group to the movie, as long as I’m there too.” And if you go, don’t make a big deal about it or be an ass. Just be there.

7. Listen. Just listen. Don’t wait until it’s a big discussion or argument. Make a point of opening the floor to your kids at an early age over tea before bedtime, or at the dinner table. And just listen. You’ll be surprised at what they’re willing to share once they get rolling.

8. Don’t be ignorant. Don’t believe for a second that if you ignore it it’ll go away. Your kids are being exposed to things we didn’t see until we were much older. And I’m sorry, but you can’t protect them from what their friends are sharing and talking about. Don’t think for a second that just because you’re not talking about it that they’re not aware of it. And if you stick your heals (and head) in the sand and wait until they’re sixteen to talk about it, brother you’re going to be in for a big surprise.

9. Educate yourself. Do your best to keep up with the latest apps and what kids are talking about. Your kids find things on-line. So can you. Learn what’s influencing them. Don’t just send them off into the world without fully understanding to the best of your ability what they (and you) are up against.

10. Baby steps work best. So start now. Don’t wait until she (or he) is fifteen.

Remember, the underlying tone here is, this shouldn’t be about sex. This should be about learning how to be social on expanded fronts. That said, as a dad I don’t think it’s a bad thing to start talking to your daughter about how stupid boys get when they’re thirteen and around girls and why they get stupid. Give your daughter some perspective and teach her that she too should have as much control over a situation as anyone. It’s good to be trusting, but in some situations having your guard up isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And please, PLEASE, teach your sons to respect girls. Don’t let them be stupid or ignorant just because they’re boys. That’s not an excuse. Educate them. It’s your job. Above all, don’t be stupid yourself believing that your boys and girls are perfect angels. Because they’re not. No matter how smart or good they are, they’re still going to be dealing with hormones, peer pressure and ignorance. Don’t be afraid to be the adult. And remember, every kid has a different capacity for understanding. You should know best what your child can handle.

This is a touchy subject I know. And everyone has their own opinions of what’s appropriate at what ages. But I think the more open we can be about it and the more we can stand up as parents and guide our children appropriately starting at an early age, the more chance we have of getting our kids into adulthood with an appreciation for each other. Lord knows the internet can at times send the wrong messages. We need to be there to help them decipher those messages and understand self control, boundaries and rules can be a good thing.

Good luck! We’re rootin’ for you!

 

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Oh Romeo Romeo!

I’m not a girl. Never dreamed of being a princess. Never imagined finding my prince charming and living a fairytale life. But I do have two young daughters. And from conversations we’ve had, I know they’re already starting to plan their weddings and I’m sure there’s a prince in the equation. Yet even at their tender ages, I can see they’re beginning to question the reality of ‘boys’ and whether Disney is basically full of #%@&.

Our kids today deal with social hurt on a level I don’t think we can comprehend. It was hard when WE were sixteen. I can only imagine what it’s like to be nine or ten in today’s world. But as a dad, and I’ve written about images-21this before, I believe we fathers have an opportunity and an obligation to be our daughters’ first knight in shining armor. We have a chance to set the bar that our daughters will look to as a measuring stick as they begin discovering romantic relationships.

It’s a tough balance, especially when you’re a single dad. You’re the disciplinarian, coach, chef, housekeeper, tutor and yes, you set the rules and uphold them. I personally think that it’s important that your kids see that everything you’re doing for them is for the purpose of keeping them safe. That you’re there to protect them above all things. To do that I also think it’s crucial that you continually work to maintain an open line of communication with your kids. Because one day, someone is going to hurt your little girl. God forbid it be physically, but even a broken heart is inevitable and the last thing you want is for your daughter to feel all alone, that she deserved it or like no one cares about her.

On some level, I’m a firm believer that every little girl wants to know that dad is there to protect them. I think it’s even more important that along with all of the reprimands we tend to hand out during the week, that they continually here us say how much they’re worth protecting. If we don’t believe they’re special, why should they? Let’s face it, it’s easy to get lost in being “dad.” In pointing out all of the things our kids do wrong and the poor choices they tend to make as kids. We harp on them about cleaning up. About being nice to each other. Keeping up with their things. We’re the first to point out that doing summersaults off the couch and into the beanbag chair is not a good idea or that using your little brother as a bike ramp may not be the best choice.

I’m sure they get plenty of messages from us about how they’re doing things wrong. We forget sometimes that they’re sensitive little egos get bombarded with reminders of how imperfect they are on a daily basis. Not just from us, but from the world outside as well. Which is all the more chivalryreason we need to stop once in a while and remind them of how amazing they are. How smart we think they are. How pretty they are. How brilliant they are and how special they are. And that no matter what the current state of our relationship with them is, if they ever need us to “just be there,” they only need ask.

I’m not saying we should be demonstrating that women need men. Or that girls can’t defend themselves. That’s not it at all. To me it’s all about respect and letting them know that above all, we’ve got their back. This isn’t necessarily about boys and girls. Because let’s be honest, one day your little girl may bring home another little girl to meet mom and dad. For now, I think what’s important is to let them know that they’re important and that anyone, boy or girl, who makes them feel anything less than special, isn’t worth their time. To teach them to focus on being around people who lift them up and treat them the way they deserve to be treated.

Being a single dad (or mom) means being a lot of different things to your kids. I’m finding that as my kids begin to get a little older and start to get to the age where the idea of romantic relationships are coming into play; I’m already starting to get very protective. I’m not going to apologize for that. And honestly I don’t think my daughters would want me to. I think as they mature and start to hang out with boys, they need (and want) to know that there is at least one boy on this planet who thinks their honor is worth defending. Because if they can find chivalry at home, perhaps they’ll believe they can find it again in another kingdom.

 

 

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Shopping with Girls

Whenever feasible, my ex-wife and I try to arrange it so that the kids can get some one on one time with each of us. Saturdays are usually time for my oldest and I since she has horseback riding lessons and that’s kind of become our thing. We then grab lunch afterward and sometimes, as was the case this past Saturday, go shopping.

On the agenda this particular Target trip was a new pair of jeans. Now, I’d been shopping with my wife as well as ex-girlfriends before. As is the case for many husbands and boyfriends, shopping isn’t necessarily at the top of our bucket list. But as we were going back and forth between the floor and the dressing rooms something hit me like a bolt of lightening. It dawned on me that one day, it will be HER boyfriend shopping with her. I was immediately flooded by an overwhelming flurry of thoughts and revelations about my previous relationships including my marriage.

Before I continue, I would like to point out that I am indeed a guy. And as a guy, there are many things that completely pass over my head. In many cases it may be years before what may appear obvious to others, becomes a lightbulb in my own brain. Please keep that in mind as you read on.

It dawned on me while I was shopping with my daughter that I had an opportunity to set an example. By that I simply mean, make it a great experience for her and make it all about her and be as patient as possible. That way, when some young lad is a jerk to her perhaps she’ll look back and realize that’s not acceptable. Maybe on some level, as her first true male relationship, I have a chance to set a precedent and a way for her to gauge how boys treat her later in life. It may seem like a “duh” moment, especially to women, but I don’t think it ever really hit me just how grand an opportunity I have as her dad to be what I feel she deserves to have later in life.

But it didn’t stop there. The pain from the first demolition ball hadn’t quite dissipated before, ugh, I was stopped dead in my tracks and was almost knocked unconcience by a second revelation that seriously rocked me to the core. As I considered my daughter’s future boyfriends waltzing around Target with her, I began to look back at the number of times I neglected to treat my own wife the way I would want a young man to treat my little girl. On just how many occasions had I been an ass and made a simple experience like shopping for jeans a miserable experience. I realize it’s apples and oranges on some levels, but in many ways it’s more like comparing Granny Smith and Macintosh. What a smack to the gut it was to recognize that there had been so many circumstances in our relationship when I acted in a manner that, if I were watching a boy act the same way to my daughter, I’d be none too pleased.

Now, I’m not talking about anything physical or extreme. And maybe on some level a father’s expectation is unrealistic. But I think as a husband, and then ultimately as a father, we don’t even realize when we may be condescending or less than chivalrous. As the father of little girls, perhaps the greatest thing we can do as dads is to consider that how we’re acting toward them today will likely affect the way they look at young suiters tomorrow. Will we be a gauge for what they feel they deserve in terms of respect and consideration. How much will the way we approach a simple action like shopping for clothes dictate how they expect their boyfriend or husband to handle the same situation or even something on a deeper emotional level? My wife tried to point this out to me on some level more than once and it just didn’t register for one reason or another. I mean, it did to a point, but not to the extent that the revelations hit me during this latest trip to the circle and the dot.

So the way I see it, I have a choice and an opportunity to be something to my daughters that perhaps I wasn’t always a good example of as a husband. I want them to see what they should expect their partner to be later on in life. It’s a chance for me to take another good hard look in the mirror and become a better father and at the same time, perhaps a better partner for someone in the future.

And it doesn’t stop there. I can only imagine how the way I react to my daughters will affect the way my son reacts to women as HE gets older as well. All three of them are sponges which begs the question, what sort of spills are we leaving for them to soak up?

So, after trying on eight or ten pair she found two that were a perfect fit. And I, in turn, walked away with some invaluable insights that hopefully will stop me when I start to turn into someone I don’t want my daughter going out with 10 (or 20) years from now. Honestly, it was one of my favorite shopping experiences of all time. If I have any regret, it’s that I hadn’t utilized more of those opportunities to bond with my ex-wife as much as I did my daughter. Not that it necessarily would have saved my marriage. But maybe it would have been a step in the right direction. A direction I hope to maintain as my relationship with my daughters continues to grow.

 

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