There have been so many life altering changes the past couple of months in our household. And through it I’ve recognized an odd sense of calm overtaking me. Where I would expect to be much more anxious and stressed, I find I’m not really worried about the things that typically bring on anxiety. Sure I have my moments, but for the most part I’m just kind of rolling with it. Then it hit me. Perhaps my calmness is actually an internal belief that I’m dreaming and that at any moment I’m going to wake up and everything will be back to normal.
But then I’m faced with having to define normal. Honestly, I’m not so sure I want to go back to what was normal. It had become a place of negativity and cold. Like you, I’ve worked so hard to get to where I’m at. It may not be perfect and there are still a lot of uncertainties. But managing to survive these past few years has created a new normal of sorts. One worth building on. There is new found internal strength. A strength and confidence I haven’t felt since I first set out on my own.
I remember moving to Los Angeles after college. Top down, 2,000 miles, driving alone across Route 66. I reeked of self confidence. There was no question I would make it. And I did. And then some. So at what point did I get so bogged down in self doubt and worry? The process was so slow and arduous, I didn’t even realize it was happening. Until I “came to” one day after signing the papers. It was then that I recognized how much negativity had entered my life. Only now have I been able to slowly peel back that layer and rediscover the power of self reliance.
You will get there. And along the way you will likely continue to have moments where you freak out about tomorrow. It is still a lot for one person to carry. There’s little doubt my ex experiences the same fears and anxieties. I can only hope she is also rediscovering an inner strength and a sense of calm as she builds her new life. Because it’s what our kids need. They need to feel the security of seeing mom and dad at ease and building a future. Like us, they need a sense of calm and a new normal. Even if their mom and dad are anything but.