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Sick of It!

12 Mar

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of being a single parent, is the fact that you are not allowed to get sick. It’s actually in the bi-laws. Chapter VII, Section IV, Paragraph III, Line II clearly states, “a temperature of 102, severe chills, cold sweats and vomiting, shall not relieve said parent of the duty of making school lunches,
sick-guyfeeding and dressing the children, ensuring teeth and hair are brushed, school field trip permission slips are
 signed and everybody is out the door in time to ride the school bus.”

Forget the fact that there’s no one around to take care of you either. And as a guy, I loath doctors. Part of it is the fact that I just love paying $100 to $200 out of my pocket to have someone tell me, “you really should get some rest.”

When you’re basically the sole proprietor of your family, there’s rarely room for even a “day” of stopping. Work, kids, soccer practices, laundry, shopping, meals, all keep coming up on the schedule. E-mails keep coming, phones keep ringing, clients keep asking, bills keep arriving, kids keep needing. You were overwhelmed when you were healthy. Now what? All problems and challenges appear 15 times larger when you’re sick and have no energy.

If you’re like me, your tendency is to fight through it. As my ex used to say, “you can be miserable at home or
miserable at work.” And typically it works. I take some DayQuil, eat an orange, hydrate, get a run or two in to images-13sweat it out, and in a couple of days I’m good to go. OK, and maybe I throw some donuts and coffee in there. But as much as I try to fight it, if after a week I’m still wheezing and dragging my ass, I’ll bee line it for the Kroger clinic in hopes of getting a z-pack. It’s the only way to ensure you’re going to have the energy and the ability to forge through long term.

As a single parent you’ve grown accustomed to “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” But obviously; if after a week you’re still sick, your body is telling you it just isn’t able to recoup on its own and needs some help. Try to recognize when you need to stop and shut down for a day and act accordingly. If you have a kid free day coming up. Cancel your plans that you’ve been waiting two weeks for and take care of yourself. If you have the kids, get them on the bus and take a day off – from everything! When they get home, let them make you tea and tuck you in on the couch. They’ll love it and usually their behavior improves at the same time. You’ll be amazed at how just 24 hours of rest and taking care of yourself can turn things around for you. Your boss will thank you, you’ll thank you and your kids will thank you.

So: single parents who are sick and goin’ it alone: High Five! I feel ya. You’re doing great and your family is better for your efforts. I’m personally cyberly patting you on the back. Hopefully it’ll help break up that cough.

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2013 in dealing with stress, depression, health, hurdles, illnes, physical activity, recharge, state of mind, Uncategorized

 

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Losing My Mind (and my keys)

21 Feb

I don’t know about you, but there are days when I’m convinced my sometimes over booked life is turning me into a complete idiot. There are days when it feels like I spend more time retracing my steps in order to remember where I left my pants than I do accomplishing my to do list. We all misplace our keys from time to time but honestly, I don’t know how many times this week I’ve stopped and called myself all kinds of names
memory36969112_crop out of frustration.

I’m proud of what I accomplish every week. It’s a lot. I consider myself incredibly productive. But man, sometimes I just stop and wonder what’s going on inside my brain. I had always had a history of laying things down in odd places and then completely forgetting. I learned over time how to stop, retrace my steps and then figure it out. And for the most part I’ve done a great job of doing it. But then there are times when I actually walk into the kitchen and completely forget why I was going there.

Does this happen to you? Do you forget things?

I remember driving to work one morning. I had just gotten off the phone with my mom and started thinking about the upcoming weekend and everything that had to get done. There were a couple of softball games, a birthday party, a project that needed some extra attention, yard work that needed to get done. Started thinking about an upcoming trip with the kids and then suddenly I realized I’d completely driven past my exit and was heading toward what was an old job I’d had seven years ago.

Stop right now, close your eyes and ask yourself what color socks you have on. Do you know? I’m telling you, our lives as single parents can really put a strain on our ability to keep up with everything. So it’s no wonder we drive off with our coffee mug on top of our car from time to time or go through seven to eight names including the dog’s before calling our kid the right one.

I would love to offer you a cure all. Like, have a place you keep your keys, wallet, phone etc. Put things you’re
DMLgroup.jpggoing need in the morning where you can find them the night before. Do crossword puzzles to exercise your brain. But honestly, I think there are just going to be days (sometimes several in a row), when you’re going to have to be aware of everything going on and give yourself a moment to stop, think and be cognizant of what you’re doing or where you’re putting something down.

It’s so easy to get so lost in our schedules and the hustle bustle of our days that we completely forget ourselves and what we’re doing. I’ve literally put dishwashing detergent in the refrigerator and have gotten out of the shower only to realize I never rinsed my hair. It’s easy to start thinking you have a brain tumor or alzheimer’s. My guess is I just overload myself from time to time and most of what I’ve read assures me that everything I’m experiencing is completely normal for a 40 something with three kids and four jobs. A lot of recent studies also show that stress is a major contributor to memory loss. And Lord knows, if you’re going through a divorce or trying to get back on track, stress just comes with the territory.

So, my only advise is to first stop every once in a while and give yourself a moment. I’ve found exercise helps on many levels. And make a point to try and recognize when you’re in a state of confusion and make an extra effort to be aware of what you’re doing. Slow your brain down a bit and try to focus. Lord knows I tell my kids to do it enough times every day. This is one instance where practicing what I preach can really come in handy.

So anyway … I’m sorry; what were we talking about?

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2013 in awareness, Behavior, clutter, Daily Life, dealing with stress, depression, Divorce, emotional clutter, full schedule, health, memory loss, mental stability, mental wellness, morning routine, patience, planning ahead, stress

 

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Hey Four Eyes!

16 Feb

When you have more than one child, life quickly becomes a multiplication equation. For example, “If one child wants to play soccer at $125 per registration and then her two siblings decide they want to play too; how many home cooked meals will dad have to prepare in order to balance the monthly family budget?”

When you consider something for one, your head automatically multiplies it by the number of children you have. So when my son decided he needed eye glasses (despite no suggestion from teacher observations or his annual physical) I immediately pulled out my Logarithm Table and began budgeting for three. Even if the
 Snellen Chart.moo.Tweens.Teens.Fun.Ideas.other two had no interest they would quickly take note of the funds expended and find a way to subtly demand equal love.

So I searched out a reasonable eye exam, which ended up costing me $45.00. (We have health insurance, but I balked at vision). We took the exam and sure enough, while developmentally he was in great shape, the doctor suggested some reading glasses to help his eyes as they “developed” further. “I TOLD YOU DAD!” And off we went to pick a pair of frames.

I’m going to cut to the chase here and tell you that the grand total (frames, lenses, warranty, exam, non-scratch coating etc) was over $400! I was floored. How did a $69.00 pair of frames suddenly become $400? It was double what I’d paid for my own pair a year or two ago. Trying to hold in my distain for what felt like a con job, I advised the “sales associate” that I would pay for the exam and go “shop.”

We went to a competitor and found something very similar for well under $200.00 which got me scratching my head. That seemed like quite a difference. So I did a quick search on my phone and low and behold I found Web site upon Web site of eye glass options for kids that were in the $30-$50 range. This included frame, lenses, case and a money back guarantee.

So the question was, “how is this possible?” I did more reading and sure enough, more and more people had grown tired of paying $400 for a pair of eye glasses and were turning to the internet for other ideas. And from all accounts it had become a viable option.

So, my son and I spent an hour or so looking on line at different sites and he found several he loved. Some bluegummysites have measuring tools you can download, some have options to upload a picture to see what glasses will look like on you. Some even offer to send you samples to try on. It’s amazing. The site we worked with (coastal.com) had a chat option to answer questions and walk you through the process. It was easy. It meant waiting for a week, but we turned that into a lesson on patience and being smart with your money. Eight days later my son had his glasses and was beyond excited to receive them in the mail.

All told, and I’m not making this up; the grand total for EVERYTHING was $48.00. (Quite a difference from the initial $400 plus.)

As a parent we have to be smart and sadly, trust no one. I remember walking out of the first place we stopped feeling like we were being taken for a ride. It just didn’t make sense and I was immediately being charged for the mack daddy version without any consult. They saw the excited kid and subsequently saw opportunity. That was very disappointing especially when I discovered through some simple research that even 100 yards down the hall was an option that 50% less. Even more so when I found a perfectly fine option for 90% less.

It just shows you yet again, how a little time and effort, a little research and stopping to think for a moment can provide opportunities to teach your kids (and yourself) the value of being patient and shopping around. In the end we all learned some lessons and truthfully can see the world a little more clearly.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2013 in awareness, budget, budgets, choices, Divorce, glasses, health, Kid Tips, money, responsibility, Retail Love, sales, Staying Positive, Uncategorized, vision

 

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Holiday Stress – Year Two

22 Dec

If you’re a regular visitor, you’ve heard me state before the importance of focusing on the kids during the holidays. But it bares repeating. Regardless of what holiday it is, as parents we are living our child’s past every day. Every Christmas, 4th of July, birthday, recital, Hanakkah, whatever the celebration; each will be locked stressed-is-desserts
away in our kid’s memory and it’s up to us to do whatever we can to make the memories fond ones.

Let’s face it; the holiday season in particular can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Christmas budgets, work schedules, vacations, travel, getting everything done in time, elf on the shelf craziness, the kids are beyond over stimulated. It’s insanity at times. Now add to it trying to schedule time with TWO families and it only adds to the stress levels.

That’s why it’s crucial that you take a step back and remember what it’s all about. It’s about doing your best to be fun and upbeat. Because if YOU’RE positive, fun and upbeat, the kids will be more likely to follow suit. Countering stress with stress only escalates the problems. And that’s not what you want your kids remembering twenty years from now as they go through old photo albums.

I can pretty much guarantee you that you and your ex are going to have differences of opinions throughout the holiday season. There will be anger, frustration and you’ll be convinced at times that they have no interest in what’s important to you. It doesn’t matter. Your kids don’t want to hear that nor should they. They want to enjoy
the holiday with you and when possible with both you and your ex. Sometimes that’s feasible, sometimes it’s
12-28-09 ornaments118.jpgnot. But what is feasible is you putting on your game face and putting on your big girl panties to make the holiday memories ones that your kids will cherish for a lifetime.

It’s not easy. Lord knows I slip just like you. All you can do is be aware. Just keep picturing the images your children will have in their head of Christmas 2013 and know that you can influence those thoughts. It may mean giving in at times, it may mean holding your tongue at others. It may be something as simple as taking an hour or two to bake cookies with them, driving around looking at holiday light decorations or cuddling up on the couch and watching Elf when they’re with you. The point is to focus on making memories they’ll look back on when they’re older and smile. Let them be little nuggets they hold on to that remind them how special their lives are and how fortunate they are to be loved and how important they are to someone on this planet.

If I sound preachy, my sincere apologies. That’s not my intention. I simply know how difficult these times of the year can be especially when you’re divorced. Know that I say these things to myself daily as much as I say them to you. I repeat them over and over in my head as a reminder of what my focus needs to be and a means of committing to making every attempt to make this holiday one of laughter and joy for the people most important to me; my kids. If I’ve learned anything through the first two years of our divorce, it’s that arguments during the holidays accomplish nothing. Stress causes us to lose our focus on what’s important. The gifts don’t matter, the lines at the mall don’t matter, the stress doesn’t matter, the kids laughing during the holidays does matter. So plan ahead, be reasonable, be flexible and be joyful.

Peace and have an amazing holiday!

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2012 in awareness, Behavior, Christmas, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, Encouragement, holidays, patience, planning ahead, roadtrips, Scheduling, setting an example, state of mind, Staying Positive, Support, Uncategorized, working together

 

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Screw Negativity!

14 Nov

When you’ve been knocked down enough times, you would think a victory would have you jumping for joy. And yet, what’s interesting, is that it’s much easier to instead anticipate and prepare for the next smack upside the head rather than relish the high. I’ve watched others close to me live their lives afraid to celebrate their own victories, instead choosing to find new reasons to worry.

I wrote once about life being a series of waves and how the trick is to learn how to ride the good ones for as long as you can. I still believe that’s the secret. Lord knows we’ll have plenty of opportunities to be battered by them, why not take a moment to stretch out your arms and cheer when you’ve managed to catch a good one and ride it for all its worth. You’ve earned it. You’ve earned the smile and that lilt in your soul. Don’t let pessimism and the hell your divorce, or anything else for that matter, keep you from experiencing joy.

Chances are you’ve had plenty of moments of worry, stress, angst, anger, depression, and just plain blahs. You deserve a victory now and then. Especially when you’ve worked your ass off to achieve it. You’ve pushed yourself emotionally, financially and physically to new limits. You’ve over come countless adversities and changed the very essence of who you are as a human being in the process.

So for the love of GOD allow yourself the moment of peace you’ve waited so long for. Sure tomorrow may knock you back down a beat, all the more reason to look adversity in the eye today and say, screw you, I’m happy damn it! The reality is, once you do it enough times, nothing can bring you down because you know in your heart you’re capable of overcoming anything life throws at you. Nothing can keep you from being happy.  Eventually, negative becomes just a word, a word that will invigorate you rather than suck the life out of you. Because you know the sweet taste of kicking negative’s ass and how it feels to be the positive force it can’t beat.

Perhaps you’ve forgotten that fact. Well, I’m reminding you.

 
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Posted by on November 14, 2012 in achievements, dealing with stress, depression, Encouragement, goals, hurdles, mental stability, mental wellness, new beginnings, One on One Time, positives, state of mind, Staying Positive

 

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One Year Anniversary!

11 Nov

One year ago today I posted my first blog entry for Life as a Divorced Dad. Not exactly sure what it was that caused me to take that first step. Honestly, I think deep down inside I knew I couldn’t make it through my
divorce on my own. When my wife and I went our separate ways I knew I had to change some things, the most important of which was my tendency to keep the world out. And so I started to take steps to invite people in. Life as a Divorced Dad was just one way of doing that. In doing so I began to learn more about myself and became less intimidated by the world and the divorce that had shattered so many truths about my world that I’d grown to trust. It’s been such an amazing experience, one that’s introduced me to so many amazing people and it feels like I’m just getting started.

Regardless of what got the ball rolling, the fact that it’s still going and growing is, to me, the most remarkable thing. It was through this blog that I learned perhaps the most important thing about going through a divorce. That you shouldn’t even consider going through it alone. The most important thing is to allow your friends, family and others going through the same thing to take the journey with you and be there to support you. Divorce will cause you to question everything about your being. It will shake even the strongest foundations. But sometimes all it takes is reading about someone else who is going through the same struggles to know that you can make it. To know there’s someone else who understands your state of mind and can reassure you that even the darkest days will pass, is crucial to your mental well being and moving on with your life.

As LAADD enters its second year, my personal goal is to expand readership and continue to promote the positives. Divorce is full of negatives no doubt. But maintaining a focus on your kids, yourself and putting all of the pain, hurt and negativity behind you will help you grow as an individual and find new levels of contentment and happiness. It will strengthen your relationship with your kids, your friends, your family and yes, even your ex. Recognizing that the world you left behind was one that was draining you of your self worth and well being is in and of itself a positive step forward. Learning to get past it, learn from it and move forward is a journey. We’re not alone and together we can help each other grow and find new unimagined levels of happiness.

Thank you for following and I hope if you’ve found value in LAADD that you’ll pass it on and invite others to come along with us. It may not always feel like it, but peace is right around the corner.

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2012 in beginnings, connecting, Daily Life, Divorce, Encouragement, journey, Staying Positive, transitioning

 

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Finish Strong

07 Nov

As mentioned in previous posts, I’m an avid runner and I believe there are a lot of life lessons to be learned through running with yet another one presenting itself this week. Those of you who run races (and this goes for other sports as well), it really is true that it’s not how you start it’s how you finish. We all stumble over hurdles from time to time, but that doesn’t mean we should quit or that we’ve lost the race. It just means we have to adjust and work a little harder to catch up and finish strong.

It holds true in life as well. I think it’s unrealistic to think that every day is going to be bliss. From time to time we trip up and stumble. Despite our best efforts as parents to hold it together and be the voice of reason, kids have a way of pushing buttons both with each other and with us. And so, flare ups are going to happen. I think that’s just par for the course. The key is what we do with those moments. When we trip on a hurdle, do we quit and call it a loss? Do we let those stumbles ruin our day? Or do we lace em’ up and keep on going?

Yesterday, despite a pretty good day overall, the kids and I hit a couple of rough patches. All of us were guilty to some extent and we got home from one particular trip pretty banged up with many sad faces. There was some pushing, shoving, pinching, kicking, name calling, yelling etc. that simply went beyond the norm and became a distraction to the person attempting to navigate the road. (That would be me).

So when we got home I suggested everyone take a moment to go to their rooms (myself included) and think for 5-10 minutes about how things could have been handled differently. Where did we lose control of the race and how could we have adjusted our pace for a more successful leg? When we all reconvened, I made it clear that my primary objective was to ensure that a few moments of ugliness wouldn’t define our day. That it was just one lap and that we still had a chance to finish strong. I told them we’re all going to have moments we’re not necessarily going to be proud of, but that doesn’t mean it has to create a black cloud over the house and keep us from enjoying the rest of our time together.

Along with being a runner, I’m also a big fan of any coach who makes adjustments at half time that demonstrate an ability to recognize what’s not working and gives a team the tools necessary for success in the 2nd half. And so, I took our time out as a half time break and encouraged the kids to put the first half behind them and refocus their attention on the finish. And believe it or not, the kids responded and we ended up having a great rest of the day.

It speaks to a bigger truth about being a divorced parent. The word team really takes on a whole new meaning. You have to work as a team on a whole new level and adjust the way you live your lives. That’s true for both you AND the kids. As a single parent, the zone defense idea is out the window. You can’t just grab one kid and run to the store to get milk. You have to take everyone. It’s a huge disruption and effort for everyone involved. It’s going to cause tension from time to time as options are sometimes limited. The more you can take moments to demonstrate the importance of being tolerable and flexible and just “roll with it,” the more you can create successful environments and excursions. But the bottom line is, you really are in it together right down to the finish.

You can also teach your kids to be a team player which will help them as they get older. Teach them that not everything is always going to go as planned. Not every play is going to work the way you envisioned. And sometimes dad it going to have to call an audible. (I realize my metaphors are getting a little cross pollenated, but bare with me). The bottom line is you have to willing to adjust your game plan or your approach to the race on the fly some times. And when you’re more open to that, your chances of success increase exponentially.

So to their credit, the kids and I ended the day on a positive and I took every opportunity to point out the fact that we rebounded nicely. We also talked about the benefits of putting the “yuck” behind us. No judgement, no blaming, just an acknowledgement that we all could, and did, better. It was so great to see them celebrate the fact that in the end we all did a great job of getting past the hurdles and that we as a family finished strong.

 
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Posted by on November 7, 2012 in awareness, Behavior, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, Encouragement, Exercise, family time, hurdles, journey, Kid Tips, pacing yourself, setting an example, state of mind, Staying Positive, Talking To Kids, transitioning, Uncategorized, working together

 

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Different Paths

01 Nov

Another title for this post could have been “Growing Pains” and I hope you take what’s being said as a positive as it relates to personal growth. Growing pains can hurt, but they’re typically a sign that you’re making progress. It’s true when your body is growing and it’s equally relevant when embarking on a new direction in your life. Let’s look at your divorce as an example. You’ve worked hard to maintain a positive relationship with your ex. Despite some bumps in the road, for the most part you’ve both been able to see past it and have worked relatively well together. My hunch is, that there are good weeks and bad weeks. I mean let’s face it; if you were able to work that well together consistently, you’d probably still be married. But you’re not. A truth that over time will likely build distance between the two of you despite your best attempts to continue parenting as a tandem.

Sometimes one of you just needs time to digest recent events that may have rubbed you or your ex the wrong way. Sometimes life simply pulls you in another direction. I think it’s an illusion to believe that every attempt to work closely on schedules, events and parenting issues is going to go smoothly. It didn’t happen when you were married, no reason to believe it’s magically going to start happening now that you’re divorced no matter how good you get at compromise.

As your life takes you in new directions, it’s also likely that your confidence, both in being a dad and the choices you make as a parent, is going to grow. You’ll start to find your own groove and get accustomed to making decisions about things that in the past were made as a team. You’ll start to get more comfortable with doing things without consult and realize that, while many issues will always require a discussion or notification, not all roads have to go through your ex when it comes to parenting. And to an extent that’s fine. Just don’t get cocky about it.

There are going to be moments when it sinks in a little deeper that you’re no longer a couple. Part of the purpose of working closely with your ex is to help maintain that sense of family that is so important to the kids. But from time to time, things are going to happen that will remind everyone that you’re not. And it’s going to suck. It’s not necessarily the end of the world, but reality has a nasty way of slapping us in the face from time to time. So just be aware. Recognize that you’re not going to be thrilled with every decision your ex makes when it comes to the kids. Conversely, you’re going to make choices that are going to piss off your ex.

When that happens, stop for a moment and consider, even if for just a moment, if you’ve gone too far or if the decision you’ve made is actually quite reasonable. Is your ex over reacting and making assumptions? Are you? It’s easy to presume that one deliberately did something in an attempt to undermine the other. Typically that’s not the case and all you can do is reassure the other person of the truth and then it’s up to them to take your word for it or not. Still, when you work closely with an ex-spouse, sometimes it’s difficult to recognize the boundaries between still being a family unit and being a divorced couple.

I made an agreement with my ex-wife that we would try to include each other in a lot of things like holidays, birthdays, extra curricular activities, school events etc. And so far it’s gone pretty well. We’ve even had each other over for dinner from time to time. But sometimes, I think it’s natural for it to feel a little too close. There comes a point where in some respects, you’re going to want that space. Especially as you start to feel more at ease with being a single parent.

When that happens, I think you should embrace it as it means your’e growing. But I also believe, it’s worth considering the other side of the coin. I’m not saying you should necessarily change your course every time, since there comes a point when your life and the decisions you make are going to be more and more your own. Just remember the shoe will likely be on the other foot at some point and be prepared for the fact that once you start to take those steps there is another person who will likely take some of their own. And it’s going to hurt when they do. Just as it did for them when you found your own stride. And it’ll be up to you to acknowledge and not make it an excuse to get angry. It won’t always be an easy decision, but it’s an important one.

There are going to be struggles for both of you as time passes and lives take their own turns. It’s all about navigating those ebbs and flows and remembering that it’s a two way street and that from time to time, it’s going to hurt. Just promise yourself that you’re going to do whatever you can to ensure that you’re the one who’s going to be feeling the burn, not your kids.

 
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Posted by on November 1, 2012 in beginnings, Behavior, Daily Life, Divorce, emotional clutter, emotions, family time, holidays, hurdles, new beginnings, pacing yourself, patience, Scheduling, Staying Positive, Support, time management, Uncategorized

 

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