I noticed I haven’t been writing or posting as frequently of late. Trust me, it’s not for lack of topics or desire to write. I’ve simply been working through what I believe is a new level of understanding and acknowledgement. The last four years have taken a lot out of me. Keeping up the pace of a divorced dad has been draining. Maintaining our home, ensuring the kids get what they need from me, ensuring
my work gets what it needs from me. Anyone living this life knows, it’s a lot. And don’t forget staying healthy and staying true to elements of myself that need to be maintained. All of it leaves very little left in the tank (both mine and my Jeep’s).
There are times I worry that I’m becoming complacent. Times when I wish I had more fight in me. But then I ask myself, what is it exactly that I’m fighting for? Where is my energy best spent? Perhaps I’m just mellowing in my old age (that’s a joke btw). But I’m finding myself less and less drawn toward any drama or angst. I just don’t have room for it. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Maybe I simply have less to prove and am ok with living a life devoted to raising three kids and forgoing some of the extras that, though they’d be nice to have, pull me away from my family’s true needs.
And then it hit me. Even in attempting to stay positive and approach divorce with a positive mind, even then, still I continue to focus on the negatives. Why haven’t I gotten farther financially? Why haven’t I gotten farther romantically? Why haven’t I gotten farther professionally? Constantly looking to get farther in all aspects of my life when the reality is, what I’ve managed to accomplish to this point is extraordinary and exactly where I need to be. Would it be nice to have more money? Yup. Would it be nice to be in a romantic relationship? Perhaps. Would it be nice to be the all being master of the universe? Not sure about that one. But the point is, what I’ve managed to maintain; our home; relationships I’ve built with my kids and what I’ve accomplished professionally despite the hurdles of being a single dad, is really something that gives me reason to believe I may be doing OK. There are times when I have to remind myself of that, especially when we’re going through a rough patch and I feel like I’m slipping again. As long as I focus on the foundation I’ve built, I know I can keep moving forward.
Through it all, my kids and I continue to grow and learn. They get a great deal of my focus, which sometimes means sacrificing in other areas. But I wouldn’t go back and skip a single moment I’ve spent on the kids’ behalf. Not one. In fact I wish I had more. I see the benefits of being there for them and them knowing I’m there for them whenever I can be. Even if it just means answering a text. They know I’ve got their back. I see their mom doing the same thing. All of us discovering what’s truly important.
From time to time I don’t write as much. But like you I’m still figuring it out. Even after four years, I’m still learning and gaining understanding in areas I thought I’d already come to terms with. With every stride I make learning about myself and growing as a man and a father, I recognize I’ve still got a long way to go. We all do.
So my apologies for not being there as much as I’d like to be for you. But know that I’m always on your side. I’m living through many of the same struggles you are. And working to be a better father just like you. Stay strong. Keep growing. And by all means stay positive!