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Oh Death.

16 May

If you have kids chances are you’ve seen the Shrek series. If you’ve never heard of Shrek, well look at the picture to the right and just follow along. You’ll get the point relatively quickly. There’s a scene in “Shrek 3″ where Fiona’s father passes away. As the family gathers around the little amphibious father, it takes him several “last breathes” to actually pass on. Several times the family starts to weep thinking he’s gone, only to have him gasp one last breath and utter one last final thought.

I’ve thought of that scene several times over the past year as I witnessed what I thought was the death of my marriage. I think I was under the impression that once the papers were signed and the judge said, “yer done” it would be over, wrapped, the end. We’d give a little eulogy, the casket would be placed in the ground, the priest would spritz a little holy water, we’d have a glass of wine and move on with our lives. Annnnnddddd scene.

Well, apparently it doesn’t work that way. But then if you’ve ever had a relationship crumble, you already knew that. The closeness of a relationship, the intimacy of a relationship, the bond of a relationship may be torn. Your heart may be heavy and beat up. But the relationship continues on some level the rest of your life. You learn from it, you grow from it, you evolve because of it. The marital union may be eliminated, but the history can’t be erased. Some of it may be tucked deep in the confines of your mind, but it’s still there. And that’s o.k.

And of course if you have kids, it’s all the more true. While some parents choose to pass the kids back and forth like a football without ever huddling to make sure they’re executing the same play; on some level the co-parenting thing is a tie that bonds eternally. When children are a part of the divorce, there is a life long connection. What you do with it is up to you. How you choose to approach it and carry it is your choice. Therefore, a positive approach to moving forward is given even more weight as it’s much easier to work through schedules with someone you’re on good terms with rather than someone you’re continually at odds with. And don’t forget; the kiddos are watching. Oh … are they watching.

Is it always easy? Hello no. Was it easy when you were married? Seriously, parenting is hard. Moms and dads inherently have different styles. There’s a reason my mom always said, “you wait until your father comes home.” There’s also a reason I asked my mom if I could go out rather than my dad. So what makes you think it’ll be any easier when you’re not under the same roof discussing game plans? It’s hard. Especially now that you’re both physically parenting solo. The kids are aware of this. But it’ll be easier if the kids know you’re still working as a team on some level. The bonds of matrimony may be broken, but the parenting bonds are still going to be there and it’s up to you and your ex to ensure that the kids recognize that you have each others back when it comes to them. Even when you completely disagree.

So, what were we talking about? Oh yeah. The death of a marriage. You can look at it that way; a death. But honestly no relationship ever really dies. It just changes form. My best friend passed away when I was 22. When he died, we had a little eulogy, the casket was lowered, the priest spritzed a little holy water, we drank a lot of wine and attempted to move on with our lives. That was 24 years ago. And to this day I talk with Gary from time to time as I’m driving to a video shoot or running trails. His friendship lives on within me and affects me and how I approach life. And so will my marriage. And that’s not a bad thing.

Every relationship, good or bad, is a part of us. We are the sum of our experiences and relationships are perhaps the most significant experiences we can have. So embrace them. Even the ones that caused or continue to cause you pain. You have a choice whether to make it a cause of stress and angst, or a source of motivation and a means of growing. Ain’t easy. But the payoff is huge.

I’m sorry, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. Death. So skip the eulogy. Put the shovel back in the shed. Poor yourself a glass of wine. And move on with your beautiful, ever evolving life, carrying all of your experiences with you until the day you die. But then, we never really die. Do we?

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2012 in Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, emotional clutter, Kid Tips, new beginnings, positives, state of mind, Staying Positive, transitioning, Uncategorized

 

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The Dreaded Comfort Zone!

20 Feb

Throughout my own childhood, my parents rarely forced me to follow through on anything that I resisted with enough gusto. Whether it was piano lessons, swimming lessons or cleaning my room, if I displayed enough resistance, I could pretty much count on getting out of it. That’s not to say I wasn’t encouraged. But things generally came easy for me and if it was something I enjoyed, of course I did my best. But the minute something became difficult or was outside my comfort zone, I would typically resist it with great fervor. My parents, subsequently, never pushed me very hard and I could usually find a way to get out of following through. It’s a truth I look back on and resent in some form or fashion. And I often wonder if they were wrong to let me get my way? Could I have benefited from being pushed a little harder. Could they have been stricter? Or would that have created an entirely different set of issues later on?

These questions race through my head as I see my middle child progressing. She’s the one who goes kicking and screaming to things. But then typically, in most instances she is the one I have the most trouble getting to leave once we get there. She has a definitive comfort zone. Wants to be a fashion designer and study in Paris. (She’s currently 7, but this has been a truth for the past 3 to 4 years). She is not very open to experiencing things that require putting herself out there. But usually, once she does she excels. Ice skating is a perfect example. Didn’t want to do it. Didn’t want to do it. Fought through the first four lessons. Then BAM! She loved it!

So it took me by surprise when we decided to go roller skating and she said no. She fought the idea in typical fashion. But rather than let her have us all sitting at home, I forced the issue, assured she would warm up once we got there. So we piled in the car and headed to the skate center. And even after we got in and my skates were secure, she resisted despite my best efforts. I tried every maneuver I know. Encouragement, bribery, guilt, you name it. But her will was strong and she was miserable. So, after watching her look dejected as her brother, sister and I made our way around the rink three or four times, I ditched the skates and dropped another twenty on the claw machine while her sister got her laps in.

So what’s a parent to do? When do you push? When do you give? I think it’s important to expose your kids to as many different experiences and activities as you can and push them to see it through to a point where you know they’ve at least given it a shot. One lesson doesn’t count. They have to work through some difficulty to truly appreciate whether or not this is something they’ll carry with them. But at what point is it pushing too hard? This little one is a feisty, stubborn, stomp her foot kind of gal. She’s as determined as any child I’ve ever met. From the time she could walk, it was obvious she would require much more encouragement and prodding than her older sister. But how much is too much? When do you let her be who she is and when do you force her outside her comfort zone?

That’s when it dawned on me. What about OUR comfort zones. What about the other two kids and myself. Seems like we’re always trying to get the middle one to go our way. So, my mission for this week is to find an activity that is all about her that we can do together. Rather than push her outside her own comfort zone, I’m going to first push myself outside mine. Then I’ll push the other two along with us. For the next two weeks I think I’m going to encourage and “push” the rest of us to walk a mile in the middle child’s shoes. And also encourage her to push us a bit. Maybe if she sees us willing to go the extra mile, she’ll be a little more open to trying new things herself. Teach by example maybe?

Stay tuned for updates as this ought to be an interesting two weeks.

And suggestions are welcome!

Also be sure to follow me on Facebook & Twitter! If you enjoy the blog, I hope you’ll share with your friends.

Have a great week.

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Behavior, Comfort Zones, Daily Life, Divorce, Encouragement, Exercise, love, new beginnings, physical activity, reassurance, sisters, Staying Positive, Support, Talking To Kids, Uncategorized

 

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Pace Yourself

04 Feb

For me, a big aspect of life is pacing yourself and building momentum. It started when I began running competitively at the ripe ole’ age of seven and as I would get older I would notice many parallels between life and running. The most important of these was the importance of understanding your own limits and how to properly pace yourself. The biggest problem for me was that I was horribly impatient. It took everything I had not to sprint out in the lead and burn out in the first 100 yards of a mile race.

This fundamental truth paralleled my own life as I wanted everything to happen immediately and I always came out of the gate strong only to burn out quickly. It was a pattern that would be both a blessing and a curse throughout my career. I’d be full of enthusiasm and vigor for about six months and then burn out. If I was lucky I’d make it through a few weeks of recharging the batteries and I’d be off and running again. If not, I’d eventually move on to something more challenging and exciting and even more exhausting.

By now you’re probably wondering, “what in God’s green earth does that have to do with being a divorced father of three?” Well that’s a good question. When you’re a parent you really don’t get many opportunities to recharge. If you’re lucky you have a spouse who can pick up the ball and run with it when you crash. But when you’re a divorced, single parent that luxury is gone. Even if you have the support of an ex-wife or other family members, when the kids are with you, it’s all on your shoulders to keep it moving. There’s no running to the grocery store to pick up milk without getting all three dressed and transitioned to the car. The three of them can become life a school of piranah all feeding off of your existence. You’re constantly on the move, constantly going. Sit for five seconds and one of them is bound to yell, “DADDDDDDD … there’s no toilet paper!!!!”

At first you envision the end of the week finish line. Sunday at six they’ll go to their mom’s and you’ll be able to regroup. But that’s when you catch up with client work and getting the house back in order. Suddenly it’s Sunday again and the house still isn’t together, the work isn’t completed and you have to pick up the kids in an hour. You forgot to restock the fridge and the jeans you know your daughter is going to want to wear to school in the morning are still in the laundry basket. It’s a never ending vicious cycle.

The first few months I was all over it. Piece of cake I said to myself. I’ve got this. But then I started noticing that I was pacing myself for a 5K not a marathon. It wasn’t long before I started freaking out, afraid I’d hit the wall sooner than later. Little things started getting missed. An extra pair of shoes on the kitchen floor. Toys left laying around in the bonus room. The car was starting to get creepy dirty. Lunches started getting made 15 minutes before the kids had to be on the bus rather than the night before. Papers were piling up on my desk. Laundry was getting done, but there were little piles strewn throughout the house waiting to be put away.

I was slipping and falling to the back of the pack and I wasn’t seeing a finish line.

The end.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

Eventually you crash. It’s inevitable. Your body and mind simply aren’t in shape for this long a run. I finally gave myself a day to just veg. I crashed on the couch and shut off all the computers and tv’s and just did nothing but sleep. I kept the phone on in case of an emergency but otherwise shut the world out cold turkey. It was liberating. The next morning I woke up a little groggy, but after a cup of coffee and an hour of decompression, I felt renewed and had a fresh perspective on my new reality. Was it bliss after that? Hell no. Life was still waiting for me on the other side. But I at least had the mental capacity to face it and deal with it with a clearer head.

I continue to struggle with the constant movement and with trying to keep up with everything that is my world. Raising three kids and building a small business both require 110% of my being. That’s 220%. Who has that? And sometimes I fall back in the pack a little. Despite the dishes being cleaned, the laundry folded and the carpets vacuumed the house still feels cluttered and a bit unkept. Work is still overwhelming. I freak about having enough business and the paperwork is piled on my desk, but after every meltdown I’m a little more confident that I can keep things moving. Surrounding myself with supportive people helps. Maintaining a good relationship with my ex-wife helps. All of it put together creates a make shift safety net of sorts.

But it’s a lot. And at some point you have to acknowledge that what you’re trying to cope with is physically demanding and emotionally draining. Somewhere in that mess, as difficult as it is, you need to find a way to cut yourself some slack. Stop and go for a run or head to the “Y” for an hour to allow yourself a chance to clear your head. Sneak a nap in when you can. The laundry can wait. It’s not the end of the world if your daughter has to wear a pair of pants she doesn’t like once in a while. She’ll get over it and the boy sitting next to her will still like her. And if he doesn’t he’s a jerk anyway and she can do SO much better.

But back to the point. What’s important is that you keep in mind this truly is a marathon not a 5k. That’s the reality. It’s important to find a pace that works for you and adjust your life accordingly. Some miles will be easier than others. There will be hills but there will also be flats. Once in a while you may need to walk. And that’s o.k. I think what I’m coming to grips with is the fact that there really is no finish line. A pit stop here and there maybe, but no checkered flag. There won’t be that moment when you break the tape. And yet somehow you win. There are little victories every day. That’s what you need to focus on. The small triumphs that let you know you’re making progress. Give yourself those little trophies. Embrace them. Recognize that you’ve earned them. Then check your laces, stretch your back and start the next mile. Just be sure to pace yourself.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2012 in Behavior, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Encouragement, Exercise, Laundry, One on One Time, pacing yourself, physical activity, reassurance, run for your life, Staying Positive, Support, This Too Shall Pass, time management

 

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Love Hate Relationship

27 Jan

When I got married, I thought having grown up with four sisters, I had a pretty good understanding of women. Two weeks into my marriage I realized I had no freakin’ clue. Two “years” into my marriage I completely threw my arms up in defeat and I’m pretty sure my wife, who grew up with only brothers, did the same.

So now I find myself watching my own kids and I swear, I’m learning more about girls than I ever learned watching my own sisters or living with my wife. So often my immediate reaction when I see my girls arguing is to intervene and explain how lucky they are to have each other. There was a time, not that long ago, when their words really hurt each other and I felt compelled to force feed them the knowledge that as sisters they needed to learn to appreciate each other. I’m beginning to grasp the possible reality that sometimes the best thing to do is just let them hash it out.

As parents the very idea of our kids arguing triggers an internal fear that we’ve completely screwed up as parents and we immediately feel it necessary to jump in and turn it into a life lesson about getting along. Perhaps some times the best thing we can do is give them room to work it out. One day in the car the girls got into a horrible fight that had them crying to each other with one weeping about how hard it is to be the older sister and the other how difficult it is to live in the other’s shadow. They were screaming unbridled at each other and in full on tears sobbing through their closing arguments. But there was something different about this argument. They were not only sharing their perspectives, but then validating each other in the process. I was floored. Ten minutes later they were singing Lemonade Mouth tunes together.

As they’re getting older their bickering is almost turning into their own means of communication that only they understand. It’s like they bond through calling each other stupid head and smacking each other for sitting in the wrong seat at the dinner table. Sure there are still plenty of discussions needed about the correct way to approach conflict and handle altercations. And I believe my role as a dad is to provide them with the tools they need to maintain respect while sharing a difference of opinion. Those times are typically during the calm long after the storm when they’re more reasonable and open to listening. But as I watch them grow into young ladies, I’m learning that as sisters, they’re going to have emotional moments that a lot of guys probably will never understand and that’s O.K.. As siblings, they’re going to have abrasive opinions about each other and will express them quite openly almost as if their love language is their hatred for each other. I’d rather have that than quiet resentment that builds over time.

So after over 40 years of living with women and trying to understand how they think and why they sometimes react the way they do, it’s taken two young children to help me understand, even if just a little, that all they need is the room to freely express themselves without judgement and feel validated and appreciated for who they are both good and bad.

Not really all that different than us guys …

Who knew?

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2012 in Behavior, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Kid Tips, siblings, sisters, Support, Talking To Kids, This Too Shall Pass, traveling with kids

 

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