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How Many Graduations Does It Take To Graduate?

20 May

When I first sat down to write this, my intention was to poke a little fun at the number of graduations a kid now goes through before even reaching high school. In my head, I always saw graduation as the moment when you’d gone through the entire required educational process and were handed a diploma that would get the truantClose up of a graduation cap and a certificate with a ribbon officer off your back and you could now get a job.

I kind of understood the pre-school graduation and equated it to three-year-olds playing soccer. It was more for the parents than the kids really. But when you add on kindergarten, elementary and middle, it seemed like we were pretty much taking the wind out of the high school graduation sail. I get the whole, “build their self esteem” thing, but at some point it starts to feel like overkill. As I told my daughter, when you run a marathon they don’t hand you medals at the 1 mile, 10 mile, 16 mile and 22 mile marker. They make you go the full 26.2 before you get your accolades and hardware.

So as we entered the gym for my daughter’s fifth grade “recognition” ceremony, I politely placed my soapbox under me and prepared to roll my eyes from time to time. About two kleenexes in I realized I was toast.

Flashbacks of her first days of pre-school and kindergarten flashed through my mind as did all of the times I sat with her in the cafeteria during lunch, fought over what she was going to wear to school and pushed her to finish last minute projects. I thought about all of the music pageants, talent shows, teacher conferences, days getting her on and off the bus. And yes, I got a little emotional more than once.

And that’s when I realized how great it was to experience those emotions knowing we weren’t quite done yet. I was able to triathlon-water-station-by-dominikgoleniaappreciate her milestones without the dreaded, “man that flew by so fast and now she’s gone” moment, which is still several years away. Watching her reach this mile marker, knowing we still had a way to go helped me grasp the fact that I still had time to be with her and enjoy this time of her life with her. And then I glanced at her two younger siblings thinking, “we’re just getting started.” Then I smiled and pushed my soap box under my seat.

Yes, it’s kind of crazy to have graduation ceremonies every few years, but hey, think of them as the water and gatorade stations they have along the marathon course. Sometimes we need a little refreshment to recharge the batteries and prepare us for the next leg of the journey. In this instance that part of the race is middle school. God help us.

 

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2013 in achievements, awareness, being there, Encouragement, goals, pacing yourself, School

 

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Night & Day

09 May

It will never cease to amaze me how completely different our outlook can be between Monday & Tuesday, Thursday & Friday or in some cases 6 a.m to 6 p.m.. It could be a lack of sleep, too much sleep, too much wine, not enough wine, a deadline, not enough deadlines, no structure, too much structure; who knows. But tooday_and_night_1280x960 many times I’ve had a day where I had an unnerving sense that my world was collapsing, only to wake the next morning convinced that I’d won the lottery. And the amazing part is, the only thing that really changed was my perspective. My checking account balance hadn’t changed, my work load hadn’t changed, the kids’ schedules hadn’t changed and CNN.com was still full of stories about hate.

So what is it?

It’s life. It’s being human. It’s about acknowledging that no two days are alike. It’s about enjoying the highs while you’re living them and not overreacting to the lows; recognizing that they will pass, sometimes very quickly.

 
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Posted by on May 9, 2013 in awareness, Daily Life, depression, Divorce, mental wellness, pacing yourself

 

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Pine-sol be Damned!

30 Apr

When we’re married, we each take on different roles within the relationship. Usually some are more stereotypical than others. When I was married, for example, my wife was the one who focused a lot of attention on the state of the household. If it got messy I may have noticed, but it didn’t stress me out. It did however have the potential to affect my ex’s mood. This was especially true when there were socks, shoes, pants, shorts, toys, games, underwear, empty water pouches, legos, cereal bar wrappers, candy wrappers etc. strewn
pine-sol throughout the house. (The kids were even worse). Regardless, I never fully appreciated this fact until I became a single father.

When the duty of keeping up with the house was squarely on my shoulders, I greeted it with ignorant bliss. “How hard can this be?!!!” I said. What was the big deal? Finally I’d have the chance to let our house be a home. No more nagging about picking up things, bottle caps on the counter, a stray potato chip on the floor, jackets hung on the chair; who cares! Pine-sol be damned!

Then, as life continued to take my schedule to higher, more deafening levels, I started to notice that I would become increasingly annoyed by the smallest of specs on the floor. A dog hair on the couch, Barbies in every room of the house, finding ten towels in a bedroom, or dishes under a bed. All of it really started to get under my skin. It was insanity … INSANITY I SAY!

What was happening to me? Who was I? I heard myself saying things I’d only heard my mother say. (OK … and my ex-wife). The stress of keeping up with every aspect of my life only to come home to a mess was starting to get to me and it was only a matter of time before something had to give.

That’s when I had a breakthrough. The reality is, for me anyway, that it’s not so much about the house being clean as it is about my life being in order. A recent rain day tells the story perfectly. Between softball, soccer, a full time job, freelance projects, personal time etc., a lot of things had fallen by the waist side and I felt completely buried. I felt beyond overwhelmed and for the first time in my life, I was embarrassed to allow any of my kids’ friends into the house because of the shape it was in.

Then one Saturday, a heavy rain cancelled a full day of sporting events. And so, the kids and I took advantage of the day to tackle the house. Everything else was put on the back burner. Work, sports, friends, all of it. The kids took on their rooms and helped wipe things down and clean windows. I began to purge all the extra “stuff” that had accumulated on the counters, on chairs, dressers etc. And together we reclaimed the house.

It is impossible to explain to you the difference it made having the house put together. Mind you, it wasn’t perfect, and still isn’t for that matter. But for the most part, it was much more presentable, comfortable, much
MV5BMTE5Njk5MzUyNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwODY2NDM2._V1._SX450_SY518_less cluttered and frankly felt more homey. Even the kids took notice. Oddly enough it was my son who walked by the Pine-sol loaded sink proclaiming, “I LOVE that smell!

For me, the true value was what it did to my mental state. The foundation of order had been set. And suddenly all the other life stuff felt manageable for the simple reason that my home base was in order. It no longer felt like my entire world was unraveling. It honestly felt like clearing the clutter within our house, helped clear the clutter in my head if that makes any sense.

As a single parent, whether you have the kids every other weekend or if you happen to be the primary, life takes on a whole new level of craziness when it’s all on you, especially after you’ve been accustomed to sharing the load. It can at times be incredibly overwhelming. And it all starts with the place you spend the majority of your time, your home. Frankly, having at least that one element of my world in check made all the difference in the world.

So guys; take note. (And some of you already know this). But there is more to having a clean home than having a clean home. There is the sense of accomplishment and a feeling of “having it together” that comes with it. There is a sense that you’re not completely unraveling, that on some level, you’re holding it together. And yes, it brings peace of mind which translates to a greater ability to righten the rest of the ship. Keep in mind, I’m not suggesting you channel Felix Ungar rather, just acknowledging an appreciation for the power of order within, what can be, a world of chaos.

Oh, and yes, the power of Pine-sol (who I promise you is not sponsoring this blog … yet).

 
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Posted by on April 30, 2013 in chores, cleaning, clutter, Comfort Zones, Daily Life, emotional clutter, stress, structure, working together

 

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Time Keeps on Slippin’ Slippin’ Slippin’

22 Apr

Steve Miller said it best. Time keeps on slippin’ slipplin’ slippin, into the future.

When you’re a single parent (or any parent for that matter), everything changes when it comes to your calendar. Not only is your plate full, but your soup bowl is overflowing, your salad bowl can no longer contain theto-do-list tomatoes, your bread dish is heaping and your glass is spilling all over the table.

It is easy to become overwhelmed with the “have to’s” let alone consider any sort of “me time” or maintaining friendships. Eventually you start to convince yourself that in attempting to make everyone happy you’re letting everyone down and the world is frowning on you 24 – 7. In addition to that, depending on how much of the time you have your kids, there is a new level of stress that enters the picture knowing that when you’re on … it’s all you.

And of course with spring comes a new season of sports activities to attend, games to cheer, practices to get to, new grass to mow, weeds to pull, flowers to plant and shrubs to trim. And let’s not forget the fact that school will be out soon which means camps to find, sitters to hire, vacations to plan … all of which means something else will have to be taken off the calendar.

Does this sound familiar?

As parents we want to ensure we don’t deprive our kids of essentials and experiences. But the reality is, at some point something’s gotta give. It’s up to each of us to set the priorities and recognize we’re not super heroes. We can’t do it all. Our first inclination is to simply extend the day getting up at 5 a.m. and going to bed FUTUREHEADS_THE_CHAOS_COVERat 2 a.m. But you can only keep that up for so long before you go mental. The reality is we have to be more realistic. It may mean missing a practice, or pushing a deadline, or letting the grass grow another half inch. It may mean working with other parents to help get kids where they need to be when you’re overbooked. It may be, God help me, saying no once in a while.

The world will continue to pull at you from all sides. How you handle it is really up to you. I wrote early on when I first started this blog, that adjusting to life as a single parent isn’t a race. There is no finish line. No matter how you pace yourself, there is always another step to take. ALWAYS. To enjoy each step and not completely burn out it’s important to recognize that simple truth. There is no finish line. Another truth is that whether you’re an introvert or extravert, we all need a chance to recharge. Be aware of when you reach that point and give yourself a chance to replenish your mental, physical and emotional capacity.

For me, I find that when I’m ‘thinking’ about everything that has to happen, I stress out. When I just start doing things I’m fine. Just knowing I’m tackling it, or at least attempting to tackle it, regardless of what “it” is, makes me feel better about things. It’s the first step that kills me. In the Futureheads song “Jupiter,” they state:

The first five thousand miles are the hardest steps to take
Then your autopilot kicks in for the journey’s sake
You’re impossible to break
Impossible to overtake

And it’s true. Once you get going, once you start moving, you start conquering. Eventually you get to a point where you’re system just rolls and you discover you’re capable of things you never imagined. The danger comes when you stop (like I did this weekend). Getting going again can be tough. But the point is, you forget how much you have to do when you start moving. You get focused and your mind can’t dwell on the mountainimages-23 before you.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

So, sit down, and consider what needs to be done. Make a list (WHAT DID HE SAY?). Yes a list. Then prioritize. Then roll. Get moving. Start checking things off. Maybe start with a small thing. But make sure you have your priorities straight. There will be days when you’re in a client meeting and the school is going to call to let you know your kid just threw up and needs to come home. That’s your cue to say, “you’ll have to excuse me, my kid needs me.” A day will come when they won’t need you any more and you’ll wish they did. So take advantage of these days while you can. Nine out of ten times people will understand. And if the people who are around you DON’T understand, then you need different people around you. But that’s another post.

You will get overwhelmed. Your plate will overflow. It’s part of the gig. But tomorrow will come. Trust it. Do what you can. Just don’t sit and stew over it all. Have your priorities in order. Put your body in gear and start moving forward. Little by little you’ll figure it out so long as you allow yourself to be aware of every moment and soak in the good stuff. The first 5000 miles may be the hardest ones to take, but they can also be the most rewarding.

 

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2013 in anxiety, awareness, Daily Life, dealing with stress, full schedule, mental stability, pacing yourself, Staying Positive, stress, Uncategorized

 

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Tone Deaf

12 Apr

It is probably stated in every parenting magazine, blog, book, thesis, study and hallmark card. It’s up to parents to set the tone and whatever tone you set, your kids will follow your lead. And yet, how often do we as parents set the wrong tone? We let work, laundry, family disputes, traffic, finances, lack of sleep, all of it, provide the basis of the tone we set within our very own home. Weimg_4204 establish an environment of stress and anxiety and then wonder why our kids are stressed out or why they react negatively toward each other.

What’s that? Oh … it’s just me?

Ah yes. I forgot; we also then get down on ourselves because  everyone else’s home is all Ward and June Cleaver.

I’m still convinced it comes down to awareness. Recognizing that something’s getting under your skin that has allowed you to set the tone at 11 and that adjustments need to be made. Acknowledging that you may be partly responsible for your child’s anxiety is a tough one to soak in. But listen; better to recognize it and fix it than let it grow and fester. I’m telling you it’s amazing to watch your kids respond to a dad who makes a point of staying calm and helping them through a difficult day. That moment when you recognize that your daughter isn’t really freaking out because you’re out of cherry popsicles is epic. And nothing is more rewarding than when she confides in you five minutes after stopping to “listen” that it was actually something someone said to her during recess. Oh but getting angry is SO much easier isn’t it?

We all know what it’s like to start the day off rushing to get the kids to the bus, with one of them freaking out because their homework isn’t finished or they can’t find their other shoe or they hate the clothes they have on and decide as you’re walking out the door to change. We’ve all experienced the stress, the tension and the
OldManualToneSettingsshear exhaustion of pulling everyone together to make it on time. And we’ve all pulled out of the school parking lot mad at ourselves for not doing a better job of holding it together.

Let it pass. Acknowledge there will be days like that and move on. At that very moment, stop and consider what you want tomorrow to be like and create a “preset” in your head. It’s hard as hell. But just try to remember, your kids need you, not only to set the tone, but to protect their little egos. To support their little minds. And to teach them how to handle stress and anxiety. You’re their rock. Protect them. Teach them. Again, no one said it’s easy. But as long as you’re aware and can catch yourself; that’s half the battle.

I’m not saying the tone should always be the same. Honestly; for someone who’s lived their entire life wearing their heart on their sleeve, that’s not realistic. However, there are appropriate tones for different emotions. Settings that can teach your kids (and you) the proper way to express disappointment, anger, frustration, joy, happiness, love and peace. As long as respect is the root of any tone; you should be good to go.

So go practice. Yeah – that’s right; practice. Create some presets in your head. Visualize the morning, dinner at the restaurant, shopping. Whatever the situation you’re preparing for, establish an expectation for how you’re going to handle the worse case scenario. What tone will you set? How will you deal with it? Think ahead. Prepare yourself and visualize the end result. Just promise yourself you’re going to do what you can to prevent yourself from becoming tone deaf.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2013 in anxiety, awareness, breakfast, choices, Daily Life, dealing with stress, emotional clutter, emotions, Encouragement, Homework, Kid Tips, mental wellness, setting an example, siblings, Staying Positive, stress, Uncategorized

 

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The Lost Lectures

03 Apr

Tell me it isn’t difficult to look your kid straight in the eye and give them grief for losing their i-pod; when not two hours earlier you were rummaging through the refrigerator in a last ditch attempt to find your keys. Or tell themlecture1 with a straight face that they need to learn how to work it out with their sister when you just got off the phone with a woman you couldn’t work things out with after thirteen years.

So easy to preach isn’t it? Perhaps we should set up the video recorder when we’re lecturing our kids and then play it back to ourselves after they go to bed. Let’s face it, you know as well as I do, that our kids are laughing at us behind our backs with some of the gibberish that spews from our mouths. Eventually, at some point they’re going to start calling us out on it.

I remember my dad telling me for years when I couldn’t get something to work; “It’s never the equipment son, it’s always the operator.” One day he came into the house, slamming doors and calling one of the tractors every name in the book. In an effort to let him know I’d been listening all images-22those years, I kindly reminded him that “it’s never the equipment, it’s always the operator dad.”

Several days later, when I was allowed out of my room again, I promised myself I would never lecture my kids. Yet, somehow over the next forty years I managed to forget that promise and continually catch myself giving the kids oral reports on topics I obviously still need to study. “Pick up your shoes,” “throw out that wrapper,” “don’t just leave the towel laying on the bathroom floor,” “stop spending so much time on the computer,” “don’t yell at your sister,” it just never ends.

But perhaps there’s hope. Maybe our efforts and attempts to make our kids better than even we turned out eventually pay off. Consider that the next time your eight year old stops you as you’re frantically rummaging for your wallet and instructs you to “stop and retrace your steps.”

 
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Posted by on April 3, 2013 in awareness, Divorce, Kid Tips, memory loss, Talking To Kids, Uncategorized

 

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Cowsill Life: No Walk in the Park

21 Mar

In today’s post you’re going to learn a little more about who I am and what I do. I typically shy away from this aspect of my life with the blog, but it has relevance this week and there is something specific I wanted to share with you.

I am a film / video director and editor by trade. My focus is primarily the music industry and documenting its stories. A couple of years ago a friend asked me to help her put together a film about a family singing group from the 1960′s known as the Cowsills. Working on the film would become a great focus of my time for two to three years and would change my views on life, parenthood, fatherhood and families in general. 285720_551273038239291_93305052_n

Getting right to the point, despite his ability to recognize and encourage so much of the talent that oozed from his home, Bud Cowsill was an abusive father. He was incredulously manipulative and selfish. And his children, in turn, feared him to the point that they never spoke to each other about what went on within their household. Truth be told, they didn’t live their childhoods, in many ways they survived them. In building the story of “Family Band: The Cowsills Story” Louise and I both wanted people to see the whole story, not just the success and the ride to the top, but the crippling affect that Bud’s controlling and abusive nature would have on both their careers and their lives as adults. With the support of Bob Cowsill and the rest of the family, we were able to to do just that. Along with demonstrating the affects of abuse on a family, our goal was for the film to help families recognize the power of sibling bonds and that no matter how dark the past, a brighter future can be found through love, communication and forgiveness.

The story of the Cowsills, I’ve learned, is not an unfamiliar one. And all too often the story is shared long after the affects of abuse have become rooted in the minds and hearts of the abused. It is a stark reminder that people often project one persona for themselves and their family, when in truth their world is nothing like what people see. For many kids, they really have no idea that their life is any different from others and that the abuse they’re engaged in is normal. It’s not until they’re older that they realize, “hey, you mean most dads don’t assault their kids?”

For me personally, the story of the Cowsills is a wake up call to any father. Louise worked much closer with the family over the eight to nine years it took to capture all of the footage, and has a much broader appreciation for the relationships between the family members. But in the short time I got to work on the film the shear impact of the role that abuse played in the development of each kid is still deeply ingrained in my own head. It speaks volumes to the impact a dad can have on his children both good and bad. Whether or not you’re abusive to your children, how you interact with them and how you approach them over something as simple as putting their shoes away, can create a pattern that will define your relationship with them throughout their lives.

We as fathers have opportunities to provide our children with so many amazing gifts. How we decide to do that will greatly affect their hearts, minds and Cowsills_gold_record_1967souls as they grow into adulthood. As I watch the finished film now and reflect on my own childhood as well as the first several years of my time as a father, it’s obvious to me that working on the film changed my life and how I view my fatherhood. It’s why I wanted to invite you to watch the film. While you do, ask yourself, “how will my kids view me ten, twenty, thirty or forty years from now?” If you’re like me, it may cause you to take a step back and adjust a few things and to see your children as even more fragile than you already do. It may cause you to recognize that we’re not just here to protect their bodies, but their minds as well.

I’ve said this before and it bares repeating. We are building our children’s memories, today. Each experience has the potential to be one that they look back on as a defining moment. It’s up to us to be aware of ourselves, our actions and our reactions knowing that one day our children will reflect and react in life based on those specific times and how we handled ourselves. What our children remember about their childhood is not 100% up to us. But as dads (and moms) we are held accountable for a great deal of it. I believe that regardless of the type of father you are today, there is always room for improvement. Working on the Cowsills film did two things for me. It told me overall I’m probably a better dad than I gave myself credit or. At the same time it showed me that every day I have an opportunity to improve.

“Family Band: The Cowsills Story” is currently airing on Showtime through the month of March and into April and is also available on Amazon.com. If you happen to watch it, I’d love to hear what you think so be sure to share your comments.

Peace.

 
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Posted by on March 21, 2013 in awareness, family time, love, mental stability, mental wellness, music, siblings, Talking To Kids

 

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Showing Up

10 Dec

I was trying to come up with a clever opening line, but I’ll just cut to the chase. It never ceases to amaze me what can happen when you simply decide to show up.

Seems like such a simple concept really. And yet, how often do we let opportunities just slip by because we’re either too tired to get out of bed, anxious about walking into an uncomfortable environment, not wanting to step ShowingUpoutside our comfort zone or just don’t feel like it? We focus so much of our thoughts on the drudgery that will take place and the energy we’ll have to exude. Then ultimately let the moment pass on by while we check our Facebook account. Admit it, you know you’ve done it. And so have I.

I could get into a laundry list of opportunities along with an even longer list of excuses as to why you ignored them, but chances are you’ve already gone through your own list while you’ve been reading this. The point is, each and every time I’ve pushed myself to make the effort (alright 9 out of 10 times), it’s been beyond worth it and I’ve walked away with an amazing experience I’d otherwise missed out on.

We dads are particularly in tune with these moments. Moments when we’re provided opportunities to “show up.”
father-sonSometimes it’s your daughter asking for help with her homework, or your son who wants you to play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t. But you and I both know, that every time we do, the pay off is exponential.

Five minutes of throwing the football with your son or daughter is priceless. Every recital we leave work early for is more valuable than any financial investment. There are plenty of times when we and our kids won’t see eye to eye. We’ll argue over what jeans they’re wearing to school. We’ll battle over what TV shows they’re watching or what we put in their lunches. But no matter what’s happening, the bottom line is we showed up. Think about that the next time your kid runs to you and gives you a giant, sincere, squeeze and then runs off. The fact that you were there to hug will be a memory he or she will carry for a lifetime.

Don’t think for a minute it doesn’t matter to them that you simply showed up. It seems like the easiest step in the world, and yet how many times have we chosen not too? 

 
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Posted by on December 10, 2012 in awareness, being there, bonding, Daily Life, Divorce, emotions, Encouragement, family time, positives, show up, Staying Positive, Support, Talking To Kids, Uncategorized

 

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