Aside
So, how’re you holding up? Keeping it all together?
Sometimes I have a difficult time coming up with a topic to write about. Today is one of those days. And yet I feel compelled to write to you and encourage you to keep moving forward; to keep the faith and to fight through
whatever negativity you might be dealing with. Some days we simply need someone to tell us we’re amazing. That what we’re doing is epic. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear someone say, “I don’t know how you do it.”
Just the fact that you’re there for your kids is something to be both proud of and thankful for. Some dads leave a divorce and put it all behind them, including their kids. I wish there was something I could say to those dads, but chances are those dads probably aren’t reading this blog. I feel bad for those fathers because they’re really missing out on one of the most amazing experiences life has to offer. Keep in mind I’m not talking about dads who want to be there, but have limited access to the kids due to the courts. I’m talking about the dads who just don’t care. Because they would if they knew what they were missing.
But it’s not easy and it doesn’t come without an effort as you well know. It doesn’t come without battles, compromises and standing up for yourself AND your kids. There is a reason why you get up every morning, 
make school lunches, stay up late washing a special pair of jeans your daughter wants to wear to school in the morning, coach a soccer team or teach your kid how to make the perfect pancake. There’s a reason you stop what you’re doing when you tuck your kids in at night to spend 30 minutes talking to them about their day. It’s because once you see your kids smile due to your efforts it becomes infectious. When you sense the impact you’re having on your kids you become astutely aware of your true purpose.
It doesn’t happen right off the bat necessarily. And I think that’s where some dads struggle. You can’t just wake up one day and expect your twelve year old kid to be your best pal. It takes time for both you and your kids to find your groove and to respect each other. It takes time to accept certain aspects of being a dad and get comfortable with others. And even when you do, there are going to be days when you struggle to keep the focus where it needs to be. Because along with your kids, there are a thousand other people pulling at you, needing you, expecting things from you. You get lost in a project, or invariably everything lands on the same day between 10 am and noon. That’s when the school calls to let you know your daughter has a temperature. Or your ex texts you to see if there’s any chance you can 
meet the kids at the bus stop today because of an emergency.
It’s a balance that takes time to master and even then it’s not always easy when you’re getting it from all sides. So I’m here to tell you you’re doing great. You’re a great dad and your kids need you, typically when they seem to need you the least. But they need you because of the amazing things you bring to their lives. They need you because you’re the only dad they have and over time they’ve learned to appreciate everything you do, even when they tell you you’re the worst dad ever because you made them turn off an inappropriate program or made them clean their room or turn off the computer. They need the boundaries you set, the hugs you offer, the reassurances you give them that they’re awesome and not a freak like so many of their school mates make them feel like sometimes.
They need you dad and they need you because you’ve set the bar. And now that you’ve set it to not maintain it would be letting them down. And the fact that you’ve set the bar is the strongest indication that you’re doing a great job.
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Tags: be there, being single, depression, divorce, divorce help, divorced dad, divorced father, doing great, encouragement, fatherhood, focus, help, kids, listening, needed, parenting, positive, single dad, struggle
When you have more than one child, life quickly becomes a multiplication equation. For example, “If one child wants to play soccer at $125 per registration and then her two siblings decide they want to play too; how many home cooked meals will dad have to prepare in order to balance the monthly family budget?”
When you consider something for one, your head automatically multiplies it by the number of children you have. So when my son decided he needed eye glasses (despite no suggestion from teacher observations or his annual physical) I immediately pulled out my Logarithm Table and began budgeting for three. Even if the
other two had no interest they would quickly take note of the funds expended and find a way to subtly demand equal love.
So I searched out a reasonable eye exam, which ended up costing me $45.00. (We have health insurance, but I balked at vision). We took the exam and sure enough, while developmentally he was in great shape, the doctor suggested some reading glasses to help his eyes as they “developed” further. “I TOLD YOU DAD!” And off we went to pick a pair of frames.
I’m going to cut to the chase here and tell you that the grand total (frames, lenses, warranty, exam, non-scratch coating etc) was over $400! I was floored. How did a $69.00 pair of frames suddenly become $400? It was double what I’d paid for my own pair a year or two ago. Trying to hold in my distain for what felt like a con job, I advised the “sales associate” that I would pay for the exam and go “shop.”
We went to a competitor and found something very similar for well under $200.00 which got me scratching my head. That seemed like quite a difference. So I did a quick search on my phone and low and behold I found Web site upon Web site of eye glass options for kids that were in the $30-$50 range. This included frame, lenses, case and a money back guarantee.
So the question was, “how is this possible?” I did more reading and sure enough, more and more people had grown tired of paying $400 for a pair of eye glasses and were turning to the internet for other ideas. And from all accounts it had become a viable option.
So, my son and I spent an hour or so looking on line at different sites and he found several he loved. Some 
sites have measuring tools you can download, some have options to upload a picture to see what glasses will look like on you. Some even offer to send you samples to try on. It’s amazing. The site we worked with (coastal.com) had a chat option to answer questions and walk you through the process. It was easy. It meant waiting for a week, but we turned that into a lesson on patience and being smart with your money. Eight days later my son had his glasses and was beyond excited to receive them in the mail.
All told, and I’m not making this up; the grand total for EVERYTHING was $48.00. (Quite a difference from the initial $400 plus.)
As a parent we have to be smart and sadly, trust no one. I remember walking out of the first place we stopped feeling like we were being taken for a ride. It just didn’t make sense and I was immediately being charged for the mack daddy version without any consult. They saw the excited kid and subsequently saw opportunity. That was very disappointing especially when I discovered through some simple research that even 100 yards down the hall was an option that 50% less. Even more so when I found a perfectly fine option for 90% less.
It just shows you yet again, how a little time and effort, a little research and stopping to think for a moment can provide opportunities to teach your kids (and yourself) the value of being patient and shopping around. In the end we all learned some lessons and truthfully can see the world a little more clearly.
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Tags: budget, budgets, clothes, divorce, divorce help, divorced dad, divorced father, eyes, fatherhood, glasses, kids, lessons, money, parenting, shopping, single dad, single mom, single parent, smart, support, wellness
On more than one occasion when one of my children have been struggling, I’ve initially gotten frustrated with them and their behavior which only made matters worse. When their mood is thrust upon you, especially at the most inopportune moments, it’s easy to fall into the fatal trap of “not you too?”
There was one particular moment when my son was acting up and lashing out. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what was going on with him. He was doing everything he could to get under everyone’s skin. Once he accomplished that the negativity in the room only escalated.
As the circumstance continued to spiral downward we reached a point where I simply didn’t know what to do. There was anger, frustration, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, exhaustion, rage, all bundled together building up inside of me as I began to truly hate the moment and what I was being forced to deal with.
He stood there screaming at me, calling me names, yelling, kicking, hitting; doing everything he could to lash out. The more I told him to stop, the more he increased the volume and intensity. I could feel myself boiling inside ready to do ANYTHING to stop it.
I finally hit my limit, grabbed him and held him close to me. In an instant he stopped. His body fell limp as he put his arms around my neck. A heavy sigh escaped his lungs as he laid his head on my shoulders and emotionally collapsed.
We stood there like that for about twenty minutes and the world disappeared.
I don’t know what started his fit. No idea where it came from or what initiated it. I could blame it on the divorce. 
Could blame it on his sisters. Maybe he hadn’t had enough rest. Maybe something happened at school. Who knows. Hell, who knows why we lash out at people we love sometimes.
I think about that moment from time to time. Especially when one of my kids is acting up. Trying to understand what’s going on in their little minds and hearts is an impossible task. Sometimes they end up in their room. Sometimes timeout. Sometimes they get a lecture. And sometimes they get a hug. Each moment is a new learning experience as a parent.
But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that when they’re at their worst, that’s typically when they need our best.
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Tags: anger, anger management, being single, dad, divorce, divorce help, divorced dad, divorced father, encouragement, fatherhood, fits, kicking, kids, lashing, listening, name callin, parenting, positive, tantrum, yelling
Come on. You’ve said it at least once. And while in most cases you were probably being hard on yourself, on occasion it was probably true. And you know what? That’s OK. You know what else? It’s going to happen again. And that’s OK too. 
Being a dad isn’t about being perfect and always having the answers. If your goal is to be the perfect dad you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s that simple. If your goal is to be there for your kids and for them to know you love them then you’re on the right track.
I personally think it’s important for kids to see us fail. They need to see us suck at being parents now and again. They also need to see us forgive ourselves and move past it. Because when it happens, they know it. There’s no denying it and they’re not stupid. So don’t try to cover it up. But be mature enough to recognize it, admit it and then acknowledge and move on and make the right choices moving forward. For a kid to see you recover from a mistake, own it and then move on let’s them know that it’s OK to be human as long as you recognize it and make the proper adjustments.
You’re going to burn the toast (and then try to hide it with more butter). You’re going to misjudge. You’re going to get the wrong kind of bread (or not the kind mom buys). You’re going to forget to send in the permission slip. You’re 
going to ruin their favorite sweater by putting it in the dryer. You’re going to miss a call now and then or blame the wrong kid. You’re even going to over react once in a while (hard to believe I know). We all have bad days and take it out on the kids by yelling at them for not cleaning their room. You’re going to hurt their feelings on occasion. The truth is we all lose it. But how we lose it is up to us. And how we recover is also up to us. How we react to the negativity, to our mistakes, to our downfalls is being watched very closely.
Listen, sucking as a parent is an art form. One that comes quite easily to most of us. So welcome to the club. It’s a very, very, very large club. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat with my head in my hands as I’ve envisioned one of my kids in a therapist’s office recanting the events of the past thirty minutes. I’ve beaten myself up more than once for how I handled a situation knowing I could have done better and need to do better next time. No one’s been harder on me than me (yes even harder than my ex wife). And that’s usually about the time one of the kids comes over, gives me a hug and says, “it’s OK dad.” It’s then that I realize maybe I’m not doing that bad a job after all.
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Tags: anger management, bad dad, divorce, divorce help, divorced dad, divorced father, fatherhood, forgiveness, kids, life, mistakes, parenting, screw up, single dad, single mom, single parent, stress, sucking
Being born in Western, NY, I grew up with snow. Hence, many of the stories I tell my kids about my childhood involve snow and lots of it. It’s something I think every kid should experience and something I want my kids to know. I want them to know what it feels like to fall face first in it or go, what feels like 120 mph, completely out of control down a hill with 30 mph winds blowing fresh powder in their face. I want them to have a memory of
rolling around in 18 inches of fresh pack powder and then defrosting in front of a warm fire, only to go back out into the frozen tundra for another round. I want them to feel huge snowflakes on their eyelashes as they walk up a hill listening to the crunch of the snow packing under their footsteps.
Unfortunately, being that we live in the south those are hard memories to come by. So every year around this time my kids and I watch the weather forecast in Buffalo, NY very closely. And upon the first sign of a good lake effort storm we pack our bags, grab a new set of long johns, boots, gloves and anything else we may be missing and stay glued to the Weather Channel App. And when it hits, no matter when it is, we jump in the jeep and we head north.
It takes a lot of effort on everyone’s part to make the trip work. Driving that many hours crammed in something other than a mini-van is not something I would recommend for anyone with a weak stomach. But having traveled as much as our kids have in their short lives, they’ve become pros. So they burry their heads in DVD’s, i-pod touches, and Nooks and buckle in for the long journey demanding I go through the drive thru to save 20 minutes. After twelve hours on the road, we usually commandeer an unsuspecting family member’s home. We then proceed to partake in winterpalooza and enjoy two or three days of non-stop sledding, snowman building, 
chicken wing eating, snowball fighting and hot chocolate drinking. It’s become a tradition and this year was no different.
I won’t lie. It’s an effort. Twelve hours (both ways) in tight quarters all for the sake of a few hours of playing in the white fluffy stuff is a test for any family. But I’ll tell you. It’s worth it. To hear the first exclamation of “LOOK SNOW!” as we head into Ohio. The giggles of anticipation. To witness the first snowball thrown during a routine stop for fuel and bathroom breaks. And then to see them all bundled up in their snow pants, boots, gloves, scarves, hats and mittens. Ready to brave mother nature’s fury. It’s just amazing and worth every mile.
There was one point on the third day when we had stopped for our last day of sledding. Wind gusts were 50 mph off the lake and it was only about 20 degrees out. One of the kids refused to get out of the car. But I had promised the other two they could have one more day so I literally picked the disgruntled snow bunny out of the car and carried her to the lodge. Three hours later she was the one pleading for one more time down the hill. And that’s how it goes. Part of the trip isn’t just about the experience of the snow and the environment. It’s about continually demonstrating to the kids what happens when you push yourself a bit. When you go outside
your comfort zone and try something you otherwise would forgo in leu of sitting on the couch watching an episode of i-Carly.
To accomplish that, we as parents sometimes have to push ourselves as well and go outside our own comfort zones. In the process we ourselves gain experiences we otherwise would never know the joy of. If I’m thankful for anything, it’s not just the memories of playing in the snow. It’s about the experiences I’ve had because of the kids who pushed me to do things I myself would have never attempted. All for the sake of ensuring they themselves had the chance to try something different.
One thing my ex and I agree on is that memories and experiences far outshine things. It’s not always easy, especially when life gets crazy. But I think it’s important to make these kinds of events the highest priority. Jobs will come and go. Tests can be retaken. Bills will always be there waiting. But their seventh year will only happen once. And then they’ll be going off to college; eventually telling their own kids about their childhood memories. Today is the day to create those memories.
If there was ever anything worth the effort. It’s creating moments for your kids that will last a lifetime. For us one of those memories will be snow.
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Tags: being single, bonding, buffalo, chestnut ridge, comfort zone, divorce, divorce help, divorced dad, divorced father, encouragement, fatherhood, kids, parenting, positive, road trip, single mom, single parent, sledding, snow
As parents, it’s easy to get lost in our day, our obligations, our deadlines and just assume the kids will entertain themselves and each other. In the process we often miss golden opportunities to maintain a dialogue with our kids that no doubt we’ll be wishing we had 8-10 years from now when they’re older.
So never underestimate the power of turning off the computer or television about half an hour before your kid’s bedtime and sitting down with them to share a cup of tea or hot chocolate. And if you’re smart, you’ll eventually learn to just sit there, shut up, sip your tea and listen for twenty nine of the thirty minutes
Mind you, I’m not an expert by any means. Just a dad trying to learn how to raise three kids and maintain a positive relationship with all three of them. In doing so I typically notice something just about every day that I can do better. One of those things is listening. I’ve sucked at it for as long as I can remember and have to continually be aware of when I’m failing to give someone their proper minutes. And to a child of 7 or 10 or 14 or 45, I think sometimes that’s all they’re asking for. For someone to listen and to take their thoughts and opinions seriously.
About a year ago my daughters and I started having “tea time with dad” just before bedtime. It wasn’t anything extraordinary. Just a chance to end the day together and share a moment where the rest of the world was shut out. From time to time it now includes my son as well, although it’s usually hot cocoa not tea. Over time it’s turned into one of my favorite parts of the week. It’s especially special when it turns into a simple one on one sipping.
There are times I just sit and listen in amazement at the amount of “stuff” my kids have absorbed, even at
such a tender age, and just how much is racing around up there. I can’t help but smile and even laugh out loud at times as I witness how they process all of the information they’re capturing throughout the day. Their perspectives are truly amazing and eye opening as they provide insights into what’s important to them and how they view the world, their mom, their school, their neighbors, their bus driver, their friends and me.
My kids have a lot to say and there are times I ask them to keep their thoughts to themselves, especially when
those thoughts are hateful or demeaning. So providing them with a safe environment to open up, knowing
they’re not going to get a lecture or a rebuttal in response has proven to be a win / win on several levels.
As you’ve probably noticed if you read this blog on a regular basis, I would never divulge details about anything my kids share with me. But the content of our tea time discussions isn’t what’s important here. It’s the simple concept of shutting out the world for 30 minutes so that it’s just two or three minds connected and sharing thoughts, concerns, fears, dreams and opinions about music, clothes, pets, or whatever comes to mind. What you hear may not even make sense to you all the time. But I’m sure we don’t make sense to them all the time either. The point is maintaining a connection, letting them know they’re loved and appreciated and teaching them the power of sharing and listening. If you’re lucky, you’ll learn that and then some yourself.
Peace!
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Tags: bedtime, being single, bonding, divorce, divorce help, divorced dad, divorced father, electronics, encouragement, fatherhood, hot chocolate, kids, listening, love, parenting, positive, single dad, single mom, single parent, talking, tea, tea time
If you’re a regular visitor, you’ve heard me state before the importance of focusing on the kids during the holidays. But it bares repeating. Regardless of what holiday it is, as parents we are living our child’s past every day. Every Christmas, 4th of July, birthday, recital, Hanakkah, whatever the celebration; each will be locked 
away in our kid’s memory and it’s up to us to do whatever we can to make the memories fond ones.
Let’s face it; the holiday season in particular can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Christmas budgets, work schedules, vacations, travel, getting everything done in time, elf on the shelf craziness, the kids are beyond over stimulated. It’s insanity at times. Now add to it trying to schedule time with TWO families and it only adds to the stress levels.
That’s why it’s crucial that you take a step back and remember what it’s all about. It’s about doing your best to be fun and upbeat. Because if YOU’RE positive, fun and upbeat, the kids will be more likely to follow suit. Countering stress with stress only escalates the problems. And that’s not what you want your kids remembering twenty years from now as they go through old photo albums.
I can pretty much guarantee you that you and your ex are going to have differences of opinions throughout the holiday season. There will be anger, frustration and you’ll be convinced at times that they have no interest in what’s important to you. It doesn’t matter. Your kids don’t want to hear that nor should they. They want to enjoy
the holiday with you and when possible with both you and your ex. Sometimes that’s feasible, sometimes it’s
not. But what is feasible is you putting on your game face and putting on your big girl panties to make the holiday memories ones that your kids will cherish for a lifetime.
It’s not easy. Lord knows I slip just like you. All you can do is be aware. Just keep picturing the images your children will have in their head of Christmas 2013 and know that you can influence those thoughts. It may mean giving in at times, it may mean holding your tongue at others. It may be something as simple as taking an hour or two to bake cookies with them, driving around looking at holiday light decorations or cuddling up on the couch and watching Elf when they’re with you. The point is to focus on making memories they’ll look back on when they’re older and smile. Let them be little nuggets they hold on to that remind them how special their lives are and how fortunate they are to be loved and how important they are to someone on this planet.
If I sound preachy, my sincere apologies. That’s not my intention. I simply know how difficult these times of the year can be especially when you’re divorced. Know that I say these things to myself daily as much as I say them to you. I repeat them over and over in my head as a reminder of what my focus needs to be and a means of committing to making every attempt to make this holiday one of laughter and joy for the people most important to me; my kids. If I’ve learned anything through the first two years of our divorce, it’s that arguments during the holidays accomplish nothing. Stress causes us to lose our focus on what’s important. The gifts don’t matter, the lines at the mall don’t matter, the stress doesn’t matter, the kids laughing during the holidays does matter. So plan ahead, be reasonable, be flexible and be joyful.
Peace and have an amazing holiday!
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Tags: anger management, being single, christmas, divorce, divorce help, divorced father, fatherhood, hanukkah, heavy load, holidays, kids, morning, parenting, positive, single dad, single mom, single parent, stress, support
As a parent and a leader within my home, I often have to make some difficult choices that directly affect my kids. Some of these decisions are received with high praise, others not so favorably. But while the decisions I make aren’t always the popular ones, I have to remind myself that it’s not really my goal as a parent to be popular; it’s to teach, guide and protect my kids.
Some of the choices I make may not seem fair, as it requires removing something that may be OK for one child, but not the other two. So there are times when television shows and movies that may be appropriate for 
the eldest, are not yet freely allowed in the house as the younger ones could potentially be affected by it, even if by accident. In those instances we try to find ways of providing the older one with times and circumstances when it’s more fitting. We also establish some general guidelines that she understands and knows she has to abide by if she wants to enjoy some of the aspects of being the older sister.
It’s not always fun and sometimes damn hard knowing I’m disappointing the people I love most. But when I do it, I do so knowing I’m doing it in their best interest. Oh there’s typically some backlash. There are doors slammed, shoes thrown, hurtful words spewed and an occasional letter written in an attempt to make their case as to why my decision is unjust.
But in the end; I have a responsibility, not only to my children, but to the people my children will interact with today, tomorrow and throughout their lives. And even despite my best efforts, that always doesn’t work out. So I try to take into account all perspectives, all opinions and how my decision will affect the bigger picture. Many times it means one of the kids has to sacrifice, but we find ways of making things balanced. We work as a team and learn how to compromise for the greater good of the family. And when possible I try to reward them for their willingness to bend and do the right thing. Eventually they see the benefits long term and gradually become more willing to adjust knowing they’ll have their victories as well.
The reality is, as much as they whine about the limits imposed on them, I think they honestly want them. They
may give their share of flack, but deep down I believe they embrace boundaries and structure. As much as 
they’d love to be able to run amuck and do whatever they please, when faced with that prospect, they’re not as comfortable with chaos as they thought they’d be.
And of course, as you well know, not every decision works out. Not every play is going to garner 15 yards. But we learn from the ones that don’t and try to adjust accordingly so that we can make a better educated choice the next time. The bottom line is, that at some point someone has to make the call to ensure a higher quality of life for my kids.
You may be in a traditional home where both parents live under the same roof. Or if your’e following this blog, you’re more likely to have children who live in two homes. In either case there’s also the danger of the kids getting mixed signals as one house may be a little more liberal or conservative than the other. Hopefully you can find a way to come together and compromise to ensure the kids get as close to a common set of rules as they can. Rules that everyone can live with and adhere to, remembering that it’s the needs of the children that come first, not our own wants and desires.
You learn quickly as a parent that when you have a family, it’s impossible to please everyone. Whether it’s choosing what restaurant to eat at, what movie to choose for family movie night, who gets to use the computer or establishing an appropriate bed time; there are going to be disagreements and arguments. Many decisions will go quite smoothly while others will invoke their share of tantrums and slamming doors. But, looking at the big picture; If it means my kids are safe and healthy; I’ll take the occasional slamming door over an empty house any day.
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Tags: arguments, being single, compromise, dad, divorce, divorced dad, divorced father, family, fatherhood, guidelines, kids, rules, safe, safety, single dad, single mom, single parent, structure
whatever negativity you might be dealing with. Some days we simply need someone to tell us we’re amazing. That what we’re doing is epic. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear someone say, “I don’t know how you do it.”
make school lunches, stay up late washing a special pair of jeans your daughter wants to wear to school in the morning, coach a soccer team or teach your kid how to make the perfect pancake. There’s a reason you stop what you’re doing when you tuck your kids in at night to spend 30 minutes talking to them about their day. It’s because once you see your kids smile due to your efforts it becomes infectious. When you sense the impact you’re having on your kids you become astutely aware of your true purpose.
meet the kids at the bus stop today because of an emergency.
