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How Many Graduations Does It Take To Graduate?

20 May

When I first sat down to write this, my intention was to poke a little fun at the number of graduations a kid now goes through before even reaching high school. In my head, I always saw graduation as the moment when you’d gone through the entire required educational process and were handed a diploma that would get the truantClose up of a graduation cap and a certificate with a ribbon officer off your back and you could now get a job.

I kind of understood the pre-school graduation and equated it to three-year-olds playing soccer. It was more for the parents than the kids really. But when you add on kindergarten, elementary and middle, it seemed like we were pretty much taking the wind out of the high school graduation sail. I get the whole, “build their self esteem” thing, but at some point it starts to feel like overkill. As I told my daughter, when you run a marathon they don’t hand you medals at the 1 mile, 10 mile, 16 mile and 22 mile marker. They make you go the full 26.2 before you get your accolades and hardware.

So as we entered the gym for my daughter’s fifth grade “recognition” ceremony, I politely placed my soapbox under me and prepared to roll my eyes from time to time. About two kleenexes in I realized I was toast.

Flashbacks of her first days of pre-school and kindergarten flashed through my mind as did all of the times I sat with her in the cafeteria during lunch, fought over what she was going to wear to school and pushed her to finish last minute projects. I thought about all of the music pageants, talent shows, teacher conferences, days getting her on and off the bus. And yes, I got a little emotional more than once.

And that’s when I realized how great it was to experience those emotions knowing we weren’t quite done yet. I was able to triathlon-water-station-by-dominikgoleniaappreciate her milestones without the dreaded, “man that flew by so fast and now she’s gone” moment, which is still several years away. Watching her reach this mile marker, knowing we still had a way to go helped me grasp the fact that I still had time to be with her and enjoy this time of her life with her. And then I glanced at her two younger siblings thinking, “we’re just getting started.” Then I smiled and pushed my soap box under my seat.

Yes, it’s kind of crazy to have graduation ceremonies every few years, but hey, think of them as the water and gatorade stations they have along the marathon course. Sometimes we need a little refreshment to recharge the batteries and prepare us for the next leg of the journey. In this instance that part of the race is middle school. God help us.

 

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2013 in achievements, awareness, being there, Encouragement, goals, pacing yourself, School

 

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Pine-sol be Damned!

30 Apr

When we’re married, we each take on different roles within the relationship. Usually some are more stereotypical than others. When I was married, for example, my wife was the one who focused a lot of attention on the state of the household. If it got messy I may have noticed, but it didn’t stress me out. It did however have the potential to affect my ex’s mood. This was especially true when there were socks, shoes, pants, shorts, toys, games, underwear, empty water pouches, legos, cereal bar wrappers, candy wrappers etc. strewn
pine-sol throughout the house. (The kids were even worse). Regardless, I never fully appreciated this fact until I became a single father.

When the duty of keeping up with the house was squarely on my shoulders, I greeted it with ignorant bliss. “How hard can this be?!!!” I said. What was the big deal? Finally I’d have the chance to let our house be a home. No more nagging about picking up things, bottle caps on the counter, a stray potato chip on the floor, jackets hung on the chair; who cares! Pine-sol be damned!

Then, as life continued to take my schedule to higher, more deafening levels, I started to notice that I would become increasingly annoyed by the smallest of specs on the floor. A dog hair on the couch, Barbies in every room of the house, finding ten towels in a bedroom, or dishes under a bed. All of it really started to get under my skin. It was insanity … INSANITY I SAY!

What was happening to me? Who was I? I heard myself saying things I’d only heard my mother say. (OK … and my ex-wife). The stress of keeping up with every aspect of my life only to come home to a mess was starting to get to me and it was only a matter of time before something had to give.

That’s when I had a breakthrough. The reality is, for me anyway, that it’s not so much about the house being clean as it is about my life being in order. A recent rain day tells the story perfectly. Between softball, soccer, a full time job, freelance projects, personal time etc., a lot of things had fallen by the waist side and I felt completely buried. I felt beyond overwhelmed and for the first time in my life, I was embarrassed to allow any of my kids’ friends into the house because of the shape it was in.

Then one Saturday, a heavy rain cancelled a full day of sporting events. And so, the kids and I took advantage of the day to tackle the house. Everything else was put on the back burner. Work, sports, friends, all of it. The kids took on their rooms and helped wipe things down and clean windows. I began to purge all the extra “stuff” that had accumulated on the counters, on chairs, dressers etc. And together we reclaimed the house.

It is impossible to explain to you the difference it made having the house put together. Mind you, it wasn’t perfect, and still isn’t for that matter. But for the most part, it was much more presentable, comfortable, much
MV5BMTE5Njk5MzUyNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwODY2NDM2._V1._SX450_SY518_less cluttered and frankly felt more homey. Even the kids took notice. Oddly enough it was my son who walked by the Pine-sol loaded sink proclaiming, “I LOVE that smell!

For me, the true value was what it did to my mental state. The foundation of order had been set. And suddenly all the other life stuff felt manageable for the simple reason that my home base was in order. It no longer felt like my entire world was unraveling. It honestly felt like clearing the clutter within our house, helped clear the clutter in my head if that makes any sense.

As a single parent, whether you have the kids every other weekend or if you happen to be the primary, life takes on a whole new level of craziness when it’s all on you, especially after you’ve been accustomed to sharing the load. It can at times be incredibly overwhelming. And it all starts with the place you spend the majority of your time, your home. Frankly, having at least that one element of my world in check made all the difference in the world.

So guys; take note. (And some of you already know this). But there is more to having a clean home than having a clean home. There is the sense of accomplishment and a feeling of “having it together” that comes with it. There is a sense that you’re not completely unraveling, that on some level, you’re holding it together. And yes, it brings peace of mind which translates to a greater ability to righten the rest of the ship. Keep in mind, I’m not suggesting you channel Felix Ungar rather, just acknowledging an appreciation for the power of order within, what can be, a world of chaos.

Oh, and yes, the power of Pine-sol (who I promise you is not sponsoring this blog … yet).

 
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Posted by on April 30, 2013 in chores, cleaning, clutter, Comfort Zones, Daily Life, emotional clutter, stress, structure, working together

 

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Power of the Good

15 Apr

After reading Patton Oswalt’s blog post: I was compelled to not only thank him for his words, but to consider how to handle these events as a parent and make a similar pledge. Reflecting on the events in Boston, I will not allow an individual or a handful of individuals to bruise my belief in humanity.  I prefer to focus my attention on the thousands and tens of thousands of individuals who, without blinking an eye, dove to help their fellow citizens. I believe those people still
Imageoverwhelmingly represent the majority of people on this planet and refuse to let the small minority cause me to believe otherwise. Hats off to anyone who helped someone or consoled someone today. You far out number those that caused the grief.

This is also a chance for us as single fathers (and mothers), to help our children focus on the positive aspect of humanity. The dark side will no doubt burden them with fear and anxiety as it does many adults. But to provide kids the power to shift that focus to the countless individuals who acted selfishly and without cause to rush to the aid of others, to me that’s empowerment.

Throughout their lives they will encounter mean people who wish them and those around them harm. They will be made aware of horrific events around the world and be given every opportunity and every reason to lose
Imagefaith in humanity. I know my own initial reaction was, “what is happening to the world?” But then I was reminded of the 72′ Olympics, JFK’s assassination and other similar events. They will continue to occur and we will be challenged to remind ourselves that those few do not speak for the rest of the planet. And we owe it to our children to remind them of the same thing.

Tonight when you sit down with your children and they ask questions about “mean people,” remind them of how many amazingly loving people there are in the world and of all the great things that happen in their neighborhood and in the world every day. They need to be reminded of that and deserve a peaceful night’s sleep. And you’re just the person to get them there.

Peace.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in anxiety, bedtime, being there, Kid Tips, state of mind, Staying Positive, Talking To Kids, Uncategorized

 

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Not Everyone Gets A Trophy

08 Apr

The question comes up from time to time within my family about the value of sports when it comes to kids. I have four older sisters, three of which are or were teachers at one time. The argument of teaching kids about competition and how to lose are sometimes at the forefront. Personally, I think it’s a sin that every kid gets a trophy regardless of whether they win or not. Life isn’t like that. Not everyone gets the gig or a raise. The argument about building self esteem just doesn’t wash for me. I think you can build more esteem by teaching a kid to bounce back from defeat and overcome that feeling of being let down. How you react to failure and
seq_2_big adversity is a skill that needs to be taught at an early age (if you ask me anyway). That’s not to say we shouldn’t be pumping our kids up and reminding them about how great they are, but I think we forget that losing isn’t the end. It’s just part of the journey.

I personally believe that there are countless opportunities to teach our kids life lessons through sports. And if you’re not careful, sometimes you can learn a lesson or two yourself in the process.

Case in point: I was coaching my son’s soccer game over the weekend and had a bit of a revelation. He had struggled in the first half and was playing somewhat passively. His tentative approach had him out of position a great deal of the time and he was growing frustrated that he wasn’t getting the ball very often. I kept encouraging him during the third quarter to go after the ball more when the opposing team had control and to take the ball from them. Basically, telling him that if he wanted the ball, he’d have to fight for it. I reminded him that the other team wasn’t just going to hand it to him and his teammates weren’t going to pass it to him if he wasn’t open.

We talked about awareness and opening his eyes to the big picture and recognizing where he needed to be in order to be the most effective. What did he need to do to help be a more productive and valuable member of the team at any given moment? I told him, get your head up and eyes wide.

Early on in the fourth quarter, the action happened to be taking place directly in front of me. The other team was moving up field and my son was standing in front of the guy who had control of the ball. My son was just kind of standing there looking like he wasn’t sure what to do. I was close enough to yell to him and encouraged him to go for it and take the ball from the other guy. And sure enough, he pressured the imagesguy and got a foot on the ball and broke it free. He then proceeded to dribble toward the opposing goal and made a beautiful pass that set up a shot. From that point on he started getting right in the thick of things and started playing with more ferver. His energy and confidence grew each time he managed to gain control of the ball and eventually he even scored a goal.

A few of his teammates had taken notice as well and began to emulate his actions. Suddenly the entire team began to play with more intensity and were controlling the ball better. And don’t tell me winning doesn’t matter to a seven year old. They had no problem reminding themselves and anyone who’d listen who won and what the score was which quickly turned into a lesson on good sportsmanship and being a gracious victor.

As we got in the car, I started thinking about work and a couple of personal goals I hadn’t met. And then it hit me. I’d been living life the past few months like my son was playing soccer in the first half. Waiting for things to come to me and wondering why no one was passing me the ball. Yet I hadn’t really done much to put myself in a position to get the ball. I’d just kind of been standing there waiting for something to happen. And sadly, that’s not how it works. I looked at my son and the other kids on the field and eventually entered this week determined to step up my game and make a stronger effort to put myself in position to score.

From social skills to approaching adversity and challenges, I do believe sports are a valuable tool. But like any tool, it’s important to understand how to use it and the dangers of using it incorrectly. It’s also about balance and understanding when it’s time to back off and not take it too seriously. For us the first rule is to have fun and get exercise. But honestly, appreciating the value of both success and failure are vital aspects of growing up. It’s the cornerstone of what athletics are based upon; winning and losing. And like it or not, a big part of living a life of contentment is learning how to deal with both success and failure. So many life lessons can be taught through athletics and if you’re paying close enough attention, you can likely learn a little something yourself along the way.

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2013 in achievements, awareness, Behavior, emotions, Encouragement, Exercise, goals, patience, physical activity, rules, sports, Staying Positive, Uncategorized, working together

 

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The Lost Lectures

03 Apr

Tell me it isn’t difficult to look your kid straight in the eye and give them grief for losing their i-pod; when not two hours earlier you were rummaging through the refrigerator in a last ditch attempt to find your keys. Or tell themlecture1 with a straight face that they need to learn how to work it out with their sister when you just got off the phone with a woman you couldn’t work things out with after thirteen years.

So easy to preach isn’t it? Perhaps we should set up the video recorder when we’re lecturing our kids and then play it back to ourselves after they go to bed. Let’s face it, you know as well as I do, that our kids are laughing at us behind our backs with some of the gibberish that spews from our mouths. Eventually, at some point they’re going to start calling us out on it.

I remember my dad telling me for years when I couldn’t get something to work; “It’s never the equipment son, it’s always the operator.” One day he came into the house, slamming doors and calling one of the tractors every name in the book. In an effort to let him know I’d been listening all images-22those years, I kindly reminded him that “it’s never the equipment, it’s always the operator dad.”

Several days later, when I was allowed out of my room again, I promised myself I would never lecture my kids. Yet, somehow over the next forty years I managed to forget that promise and continually catch myself giving the kids oral reports on topics I obviously still need to study. “Pick up your shoes,” “throw out that wrapper,” “don’t just leave the towel laying on the bathroom floor,” “stop spending so much time on the computer,” “don’t yell at your sister,” it just never ends.

But perhaps there’s hope. Maybe our efforts and attempts to make our kids better than even we turned out eventually pay off. Consider that the next time your eight year old stops you as you’re frantically rummaging for your wallet and instructs you to “stop and retrace your steps.”

 
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Posted by on April 3, 2013 in awareness, Divorce, Kid Tips, memory loss, Talking To Kids, Uncategorized

 

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Shop At Your Own Risk!

24 Mar

It is my 100th post and what better way to celebrate than with a progress report. A couple of previous posts focused on the subject of dads shopping for clothes with daughters. It is, in skiing terms, the double black diamond slope of parenthood. I barely made it down my first time, but by the grace of God managed to make it to the lodge without any bruised egos or broken dreams.caution-double-black-diamond

My daughter and I have hit the retail slopes a number of times the past year or two and we’ve made a lot of progress. We still hit our share of moguls, but have managed to avoid any major wipeouts. In hindsight, we probably should have considered starting out on a shopping bunny hill, like, going to CVS for some gum and then worked our way up. Because, like most things, it takes practice to grow accustomed to the environment and find your rhythm. And the reality is, as is the case with most parenting adventures, regardless of where you start, you’ll have your spills and avalanches and may even need a brace or sling after an excursion here or there.

Our own first time out was anything but smooth. I didn’t like her choices, she didn’t like that I was in the same mall. It was awkward to say the least. But over time, we learned to compromise (a LOT) and to focus more on the fact that we were out together having one on one time than the fact that we were shopping for clothes. And oddly enough, now we end up doing both. I had to give on a couple of things and in turn she backed off on others. We’ve worked our way up through green circles and blue squares and are pretty good at navigating the black diamond shopping trails now.

If you’re a dad, single or married, don’t wait until your daughter is sixteen to decide you want to spend time with
her on her turf. Start training now. Today. This very second. I’ve heard too many friends tell me, “and just like that they’re going to shopatownriskcollege and I don’t even know them.” That thought scares the hell out of me. When they’ve had a bad day in high school, I want my kids to feel comfortable coming to me and saying, “dad, today sucked, wanna hit the mall?” Maybe I’m reaching for the unattainable, but I’m going to give it my best shot. And I believe it starts with stopping once in a while and making an attempt to create those moments now when they’re still young and frankly, need me to drive.

Listen, having your daughter grab a pair of jeans out of your hands and tell you, “no way dad, you’re not wearing that” is a gift. (btw, if you’re reading this daughter, thank you for not letting me buy that shorts / sweater combo. I owe you one) Having her share with you why she considers one blouse better than another, is a gift. Talking about her dreams over lunch in the food court, a gift.  And believe me, having her eyes light up over the perfect dress after trying on seventeen at five different stores; all of it, is a gift.

So I just wanted to encourage you to put down the remote, turn off the game, log out of facebook and ask your daughter if she wants to go to the mall. Or, maybe just suggest a trip to Walgreens for a Snickers bar. Thenshoppingsigns work your way up to Claire’s for earrings, and when you’re ready, Target for an “outfit.” The point is to make the effort now before she has friends with cars. And don’t feel like the point is to spend money. This can be a great chance to slip in discussions about budgets, value, needs versus wants etc. Now my daughter is the one telling me she’ll wait until she finds exactly what she wants.

So ask her. She may balk at first, but find a way to convince her to go. You may be a little wobbly at first, but at some point you’ll reach the base and look back at the mountain you just navigated. And what a thrill it’ll be when she’s the one who suggests you get back on the t-bar and head your way back to the top for another go.

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2013 in awareness, bonding, clothes, connecting, Kid Tips, Retail Love, Shopping, Uncategorized

 

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Cowsill Life: No Walk in the Park

21 Mar

In today’s post you’re going to learn a little more about who I am and what I do. I typically shy away from this aspect of my life with the blog, but it has relevance this week and there is something specific I wanted to share with you.

I am a film / video director and editor by trade. My focus is primarily the music industry and documenting its stories. A couple of years ago a friend asked me to help her put together a film about a family singing group from the 1960′s known as the Cowsills. Working on the film would become a great focus of my time for two to three years and would change my views on life, parenthood, fatherhood and families in general. 285720_551273038239291_93305052_n

Getting right to the point, despite his ability to recognize and encourage so much of the talent that oozed from his home, Bud Cowsill was an abusive father. He was incredulously manipulative and selfish. And his children, in turn, feared him to the point that they never spoke to each other about what went on within their household. Truth be told, they didn’t live their childhoods, in many ways they survived them. In building the story of “Family Band: The Cowsills Story” Louise and I both wanted people to see the whole story, not just the success and the ride to the top, but the crippling affect that Bud’s controlling and abusive nature would have on both their careers and their lives as adults. With the support of Bob Cowsill and the rest of the family, we were able to to do just that. Along with demonstrating the affects of abuse on a family, our goal was for the film to help families recognize the power of sibling bonds and that no matter how dark the past, a brighter future can be found through love, communication and forgiveness.

The story of the Cowsills, I’ve learned, is not an unfamiliar one. And all too often the story is shared long after the affects of abuse have become rooted in the minds and hearts of the abused. It is a stark reminder that people often project one persona for themselves and their family, when in truth their world is nothing like what people see. For many kids, they really have no idea that their life is any different from others and that the abuse they’re engaged in is normal. It’s not until they’re older that they realize, “hey, you mean most dads don’t assault their kids?”

For me personally, the story of the Cowsills is a wake up call to any father. Louise worked much closer with the family over the eight to nine years it took to capture all of the footage, and has a much broader appreciation for the relationships between the family members. But in the short time I got to work on the film the shear impact of the role that abuse played in the development of each kid is still deeply ingrained in my own head. It speaks volumes to the impact a dad can have on his children both good and bad. Whether or not you’re abusive to your children, how you interact with them and how you approach them over something as simple as putting their shoes away, can create a pattern that will define your relationship with them throughout their lives.

We as fathers have opportunities to provide our children with so many amazing gifts. How we decide to do that will greatly affect their hearts, minds and Cowsills_gold_record_1967souls as they grow into adulthood. As I watch the finished film now and reflect on my own childhood as well as the first several years of my time as a father, it’s obvious to me that working on the film changed my life and how I view my fatherhood. It’s why I wanted to invite you to watch the film. While you do, ask yourself, “how will my kids view me ten, twenty, thirty or forty years from now?” If you’re like me, it may cause you to take a step back and adjust a few things and to see your children as even more fragile than you already do. It may cause you to recognize that we’re not just here to protect their bodies, but their minds as well.

I’ve said this before and it bares repeating. We are building our children’s memories, today. Each experience has the potential to be one that they look back on as a defining moment. It’s up to us to be aware of ourselves, our actions and our reactions knowing that one day our children will reflect and react in life based on those specific times and how we handled ourselves. What our children remember about their childhood is not 100% up to us. But as dads (and moms) we are held accountable for a great deal of it. I believe that regardless of the type of father you are today, there is always room for improvement. Working on the Cowsills film did two things for me. It told me overall I’m probably a better dad than I gave myself credit or. At the same time it showed me that every day I have an opportunity to improve.

“Family Band: The Cowsills Story” is currently airing on Showtime through the month of March and into April and is also available on Amazon.com. If you happen to watch it, I’d love to hear what you think so be sure to share your comments.

Peace.

 
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Posted by on March 21, 2013 in awareness, family time, love, mental stability, mental wellness, music, siblings, Talking To Kids

 

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Sick of It!

12 Mar

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of being a single parent, is the fact that you are not allowed to get sick. It’s actually in the bi-laws. Chapter VII, Section IV, Paragraph III, Line II clearly states, “a temperature of 102, severe chills, cold sweats and vomiting, shall not relieve said parent of the duty of making school lunches,
sick-guyfeeding and dressing the children, ensuring teeth and hair are brushed, school field trip permission slips are
 signed and everybody is out the door in time to ride the school bus.”

Forget the fact that there’s no one around to take care of you either. And as a guy, I loath doctors. Part of it is the fact that I just love paying $100 to $200 out of my pocket to have someone tell me, “you really should get some rest.”

When you’re basically the sole proprietor of your family, there’s rarely room for even a “day” of stopping. Work, kids, soccer practices, laundry, shopping, meals, all keep coming up on the schedule. E-mails keep coming, phones keep ringing, clients keep asking, bills keep arriving, kids keep needing. You were overwhelmed when you were healthy. Now what? All problems and challenges appear 15 times larger when you’re sick and have no energy.

If you’re like me, your tendency is to fight through it. As my ex used to say, “you can be miserable at home or
miserable at work.” And typically it works. I take some DayQuil, eat an orange, hydrate, get a run or two in to images-13sweat it out, and in a couple of days I’m good to go. OK, and maybe I throw some donuts and coffee in there. But as much as I try to fight it, if after a week I’m still wheezing and dragging my ass, I’ll bee line it for the Kroger clinic in hopes of getting a z-pack. It’s the only way to ensure you’re going to have the energy and the ability to forge through long term.

As a single parent you’ve grown accustomed to “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” But obviously; if after a week you’re still sick, your body is telling you it just isn’t able to recoup on its own and needs some help. Try to recognize when you need to stop and shut down for a day and act accordingly. If you have a kid free day coming up. Cancel your plans that you’ve been waiting two weeks for and take care of yourself. If you have the kids, get them on the bus and take a day off – from everything! When they get home, let them make you tea and tuck you in on the couch. They’ll love it and usually their behavior improves at the same time. You’ll be amazed at how just 24 hours of rest and taking care of yourself can turn things around for you. Your boss will thank you, you’ll thank you and your kids will thank you.

So: single parents who are sick and goin’ it alone: High Five! I feel ya. You’re doing great and your family is better for your efforts. I’m personally cyberly patting you on the back. Hopefully it’ll help break up that cough.

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2013 in dealing with stress, depression, health, hurdles, illnes, physical activity, recharge, state of mind, Uncategorized

 

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