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Tag Archives: anger management

Power of a Hug

07 Feb

On more than one occasion when one of my children have been struggling, I’ve initially gotten frustrated with them and their behavior which only made matters worse. When their mood is thrust upon you, especially at the most inopportune moments, it’s easy to fall into the fatal trap of “not you too?”

There was one particular moment when my son was acting up and lashing out. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what was going on with him. He was doing everything he could to get under everyone’s skin. Once he accomplished that the negativity in the room only escalated.images-6

As the circumstance continued to spiral downward we reached a point where I simply didn’t know what to do. There was anger, frustration, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, exhaustion, rage, all bundled together building up inside of me as I began to truly hate the moment and what I was being forced to deal with.

He stood there screaming at me, calling me names, yelling, kicking, hitting; doing everything he could to lash out. The more I told him to stop, the more he increased the volume and intensity. I could feel myself boiling inside ready to do ANYTHING to stop it.

I finally hit my limit, grabbed him and held him close to me. In an instant he stopped. His body fell limp as he put his arms around my neck. A heavy sigh escaped his lungs as he laid his head on my shoulders and emotionally collapsed.

We stood there like that for about twenty minutes and the world disappeared.

I don’t know what started his fit. No idea where it came from or what initiated it. I could blame it on the divorce. 8925318-give-your-best-made-by-post-itCould blame it on his sisters. Maybe he hadn’t had enough rest. Maybe something happened at school. Who knows. Hell, who knows why we lash out at people we love sometimes.

I think about that moment from time to time. Especially when one of my kids is acting up. Trying to understand what’s going on in their little minds and hearts is an impossible task. Sometimes they end up in their room. Sometimes timeout. Sometimes they get a lecture. And sometimes they get a hug. Each moment is a new learning experience as a parent.

But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that when they’re at their worst, that’s typically when they need our best.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2013 in anxiety, awareness, Behavior, bonding, connecting, Daily Life, dealing with stress, depression, Divorce, emotions, mental wellness, patience, Staying Positive, stress, Support, Talking To Kids, This Too Shall Pass, Uncategorized

 

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I Suck as a Dad!

29 Jan

Come on. You’ve said it at least once. And while in most cases you were probably being hard on yourself, on occasion it was probably true. And you know what? That’s OK. You know what else? It’s going to happen again. And that’s OK too. mistakes11

Being a dad isn’t about being perfect and always having the answers. If your goal is to be the perfect dad you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s that simple. If your goal is to be there for your kids and for them to know you love them then you’re on the right track.

I personally think it’s important for kids to see us fail. They need to see us suck at being parents now and again. They also need to see us forgive ourselves and move past it. Because when it happens, they know it. There’s no denying it and they’re not stupid. So don’t try to cover it up. But be mature enough to recognize it, admit it and then acknowledge and move on and make the right choices moving forward. For a kid to see you recover from a mistake, own it and then move on let’s them know that it’s OK to be human as long as you recognize it and make the proper adjustments.

You’re going to burn the toast (and then try to hide it with more butter). You’re going to misjudge. You’re going to get the wrong kind of bread (or not the kind mom buys). You’re going to forget to send in the permission slip. You’re images-5going to ruin their favorite sweater by putting it in the dryer. You’re going to miss a call now and then or blame the wrong kid. You’re even going to over react once in a while (hard to believe I know). We all have bad days and take it out on the kids by yelling at them for not cleaning their room. You’re going to hurt their feelings on occasion. The truth is we all lose it. But how we lose it is up to us. And how we recover is also up to us. How we react to the negativity, to our mistakes, to our downfalls is being watched very closely.

Listen, sucking as a parent is an art form. One that comes quite easily to most of us. So welcome to the club. It’s a very, very, very large club. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat with my head in my hands as I’ve envisioned one of my kids in a therapist’s office recanting the events of the past thirty minutes. I’ve beaten myself up more than once for how I handled a situation knowing I could have done better and need to do better next time. No one’s been harder on me than me (yes even harder than my ex wife). And that’s usually about the time one of the kids comes over, gives me a hug and says, “it’s OK dad.” It’s then that I realize maybe I’m not doing that bad a job after all.

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 29, 2013 in anxiety, awareness, Behavior, breakfast, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, emotional clutter, emotions, patience, setting an example, show up, state of mind, Staying Positive, stress

 

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Holiday Stress – Year Two

22 Dec

If you’re a regular visitor, you’ve heard me state before the importance of focusing on the kids during the holidays. But it bares repeating. Regardless of what holiday it is, as parents we are living our child’s past every day. Every Christmas, 4th of July, birthday, recital, Hanakkah, whatever the celebration; each will be locked stressed-is-desserts
away in our kid’s memory and it’s up to us to do whatever we can to make the memories fond ones.

Let’s face it; the holiday season in particular can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Christmas budgets, work schedules, vacations, travel, getting everything done in time, elf on the shelf craziness, the kids are beyond over stimulated. It’s insanity at times. Now add to it trying to schedule time with TWO families and it only adds to the stress levels.

That’s why it’s crucial that you take a step back and remember what it’s all about. It’s about doing your best to be fun and upbeat. Because if YOU’RE positive, fun and upbeat, the kids will be more likely to follow suit. Countering stress with stress only escalates the problems. And that’s not what you want your kids remembering twenty years from now as they go through old photo albums.

I can pretty much guarantee you that you and your ex are going to have differences of opinions throughout the holiday season. There will be anger, frustration and you’ll be convinced at times that they have no interest in what’s important to you. It doesn’t matter. Your kids don’t want to hear that nor should they. They want to enjoy
the holiday with you and when possible with both you and your ex. Sometimes that’s feasible, sometimes it’s
12-28-09 ornaments118.jpgnot. But what is feasible is you putting on your game face and putting on your big girl panties to make the holiday memories ones that your kids will cherish for a lifetime.

It’s not easy. Lord knows I slip just like you. All you can do is be aware. Just keep picturing the images your children will have in their head of Christmas 2013 and know that you can influence those thoughts. It may mean giving in at times, it may mean holding your tongue at others. It may be something as simple as taking an hour or two to bake cookies with them, driving around looking at holiday light decorations or cuddling up on the couch and watching Elf when they’re with you. The point is to focus on making memories they’ll look back on when they’re older and smile. Let them be little nuggets they hold on to that remind them how special their lives are and how fortunate they are to be loved and how important they are to someone on this planet.

If I sound preachy, my sincere apologies. That’s not my intention. I simply know how difficult these times of the year can be especially when you’re divorced. Know that I say these things to myself daily as much as I say them to you. I repeat them over and over in my head as a reminder of what my focus needs to be and a means of committing to making every attempt to make this holiday one of laughter and joy for the people most important to me; my kids. If I’ve learned anything through the first two years of our divorce, it’s that arguments during the holidays accomplish nothing. Stress causes us to lose our focus on what’s important. The gifts don’t matter, the lines at the mall don’t matter, the stress doesn’t matter, the kids laughing during the holidays does matter. So plan ahead, be reasonable, be flexible and be joyful.

Peace and have an amazing holiday!

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2012 in awareness, Behavior, Christmas, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, Encouragement, holidays, patience, planning ahead, roadtrips, Scheduling, setting an example, state of mind, Staying Positive, Support, Uncategorized, working together

 

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Screw Negativity!

14 Nov

When you’ve been knocked down enough times, you would think a victory would have you jumping for joy. And yet, what’s interesting, is that it’s much easier to instead anticipate and prepare for the next smack upside the head rather than relish the high. I’ve watched others close to me live their lives afraid to celebrate their own victories, instead choosing to find new reasons to worry.

I wrote once about life being a series of waves and how the trick is to learn how to ride the good ones for as long as you can. I still believe that’s the secret. Lord knows we’ll have plenty of opportunities to be battered by them, why not take a moment to stretch out your arms and cheer when you’ve managed to catch a good one and ride it for all its worth. You’ve earned it. You’ve earned the smile and that lilt in your soul. Don’t let pessimism and the hell your divorce, or anything else for that matter, keep you from experiencing joy.

Chances are you’ve had plenty of moments of worry, stress, angst, anger, depression, and just plain blahs. You deserve a victory now and then. Especially when you’ve worked your ass off to achieve it. You’ve pushed yourself emotionally, financially and physically to new limits. You’ve over come countless adversities and changed the very essence of who you are as a human being in the process.

So for the love of GOD allow yourself the moment of peace you’ve waited so long for. Sure tomorrow may knock you back down a beat, all the more reason to look adversity in the eye today and say, screw you, I’m happy damn it! The reality is, once you do it enough times, nothing can bring you down because you know in your heart you’re capable of overcoming anything life throws at you. Nothing can keep you from being happy.  Eventually, negative becomes just a word, a word that will invigorate you rather than suck the life out of you. Because you know the sweet taste of kicking negative’s ass and how it feels to be the positive force it can’t beat.

Perhaps you’ve forgotten that fact. Well, I’m reminding you.

 
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Posted by on November 14, 2012 in achievements, dealing with stress, depression, Encouragement, goals, hurdles, mental stability, mental wellness, new beginnings, One on One Time, positives, state of mind, Staying Positive

 

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One Year Anniversary!

11 Nov

One year ago today I posted my first blog entry for Life as a Divorced Dad. Not exactly sure what it was that caused me to take that first step. Honestly, I think deep down inside I knew I couldn’t make it through my
divorce on my own. When my wife and I went our separate ways I knew I had to change some things, the most important of which was my tendency to keep the world out. And so I started to take steps to invite people in. Life as a Divorced Dad was just one way of doing that. In doing so I began to learn more about myself and became less intimidated by the world and the divorce that had shattered so many truths about my world that I’d grown to trust. It’s been such an amazing experience, one that’s introduced me to so many amazing people and it feels like I’m just getting started.

Regardless of what got the ball rolling, the fact that it’s still going and growing is, to me, the most remarkable thing. It was through this blog that I learned perhaps the most important thing about going through a divorce. That you shouldn’t even consider going through it alone. The most important thing is to allow your friends, family and others going through the same thing to take the journey with you and be there to support you. Divorce will cause you to question everything about your being. It will shake even the strongest foundations. But sometimes all it takes is reading about someone else who is going through the same struggles to know that you can make it. To know there’s someone else who understands your state of mind and can reassure you that even the darkest days will pass, is crucial to your mental well being and moving on with your life.

As LAADD enters its second year, my personal goal is to expand readership and continue to promote the positives. Divorce is full of negatives no doubt. But maintaining a focus on your kids, yourself and putting all of the pain, hurt and negativity behind you will help you grow as an individual and find new levels of contentment and happiness. It will strengthen your relationship with your kids, your friends, your family and yes, even your ex. Recognizing that the world you left behind was one that was draining you of your self worth and well being is in and of itself a positive step forward. Learning to get past it, learn from it and move forward is a journey. We’re not alone and together we can help each other grow and find new unimagined levels of happiness.

Thank you for following and I hope if you’ve found value in LAADD that you’ll pass it on and invite others to come along with us. It may not always feel like it, but peace is right around the corner.

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2012 in beginnings, connecting, Daily Life, Divorce, Encouragement, journey, Staying Positive, transitioning

 

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Finish Strong

07 Nov

As mentioned in previous posts, I’m an avid runner and I believe there are a lot of life lessons to be learned through running with yet another one presenting itself this week. Those of you who run races (and this goes for other sports as well), it really is true that it’s not how you start it’s how you finish. We all stumble over hurdles from time to time, but that doesn’t mean we should quit or that we’ve lost the race. It just means we have to adjust and work a little harder to catch up and finish strong.

It holds true in life as well. I think it’s unrealistic to think that every day is going to be bliss. From time to time we trip up and stumble. Despite our best efforts as parents to hold it together and be the voice of reason, kids have a way of pushing buttons both with each other and with us. And so, flare ups are going to happen. I think that’s just par for the course. The key is what we do with those moments. When we trip on a hurdle, do we quit and call it a loss? Do we let those stumbles ruin our day? Or do we lace em’ up and keep on going?

Yesterday, despite a pretty good day overall, the kids and I hit a couple of rough patches. All of us were guilty to some extent and we got home from one particular trip pretty banged up with many sad faces. There was some pushing, shoving, pinching, kicking, name calling, yelling etc. that simply went beyond the norm and became a distraction to the person attempting to navigate the road. (That would be me).

So when we got home I suggested everyone take a moment to go to their rooms (myself included) and think for 5-10 minutes about how things could have been handled differently. Where did we lose control of the race and how could we have adjusted our pace for a more successful leg? When we all reconvened, I made it clear that my primary objective was to ensure that a few moments of ugliness wouldn’t define our day. That it was just one lap and that we still had a chance to finish strong. I told them we’re all going to have moments we’re not necessarily going to be proud of, but that doesn’t mean it has to create a black cloud over the house and keep us from enjoying the rest of our time together.

Along with being a runner, I’m also a big fan of any coach who makes adjustments at half time that demonstrate an ability to recognize what’s not working and gives a team the tools necessary for success in the 2nd half. And so, I took our time out as a half time break and encouraged the kids to put the first half behind them and refocus their attention on the finish. And believe it or not, the kids responded and we ended up having a great rest of the day.

It speaks to a bigger truth about being a divorced parent. The word team really takes on a whole new meaning. You have to work as a team on a whole new level and adjust the way you live your lives. That’s true for both you AND the kids. As a single parent, the zone defense idea is out the window. You can’t just grab one kid and run to the store to get milk. You have to take everyone. It’s a huge disruption and effort for everyone involved. It’s going to cause tension from time to time as options are sometimes limited. The more you can take moments to demonstrate the importance of being tolerable and flexible and just “roll with it,” the more you can create successful environments and excursions. But the bottom line is, you really are in it together right down to the finish.

You can also teach your kids to be a team player which will help them as they get older. Teach them that not everything is always going to go as planned. Not every play is going to work the way you envisioned. And sometimes dad it going to have to call an audible. (I realize my metaphors are getting a little cross pollenated, but bare with me). The bottom line is you have to willing to adjust your game plan or your approach to the race on the fly some times. And when you’re more open to that, your chances of success increase exponentially.

So to their credit, the kids and I ended the day on a positive and I took every opportunity to point out the fact that we rebounded nicely. We also talked about the benefits of putting the “yuck” behind us. No judgement, no blaming, just an acknowledgement that we all could, and did, better. It was so great to see them celebrate the fact that in the end we all did a great job of getting past the hurdles and that we as a family finished strong.

 
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Posted by on November 7, 2012 in awareness, Behavior, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, Encouragement, Exercise, family time, hurdles, journey, Kid Tips, pacing yourself, setting an example, state of mind, Staying Positive, Talking To Kids, transitioning, Uncategorized, working together

 

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Oh CRAP!

21 Oct

Life is like house training a dog. Just when you start to get comfortable with the situation and are convinced your hard work has paid off, you find an undetected new pile of crap you have to deal with. The trick is learning how to deal with that revelation as it means you’re not quite as far along as you thought and still have some work to do.

I had reached a point where I was getting pretty good at accepting those little set backs. Then a few weeks ago I noticed myself slipping back into my old habits of letting the little piles irritate, well, the crap out of me. I was getting edgy again and found myself feeling overwhelmed and having a difficult time getting out of my funk. I was getting mad over stupid things like my football team losing, not finding my keys, and yes, our new dog taking a dump in my office. I was also getting irritated with my ex over things that really weren’t relevant or that important.

Early on, when I first started this blog, I wrote about being aware and how that’s the first step toward reaching new levels of peace and personal growth. I still believe that and put myself in time out one evening to think about what was going on and why I was so irritable. So I sat back and tried to assess the changes that had taken place and recognized that although I’d made tremendous strides the past several months regaining control of my life; I had ignored some fundamental truths about myself that needed to be readdressed. Biggest one on the list?; I had stopped running and getting exercise. I’ve written multiple times about the importance of giving yourself that hour and the difference sweating and physically pushing yourself can have on your mental state. Yet, somehow I’d managed to ignore my own advice and had allowed a busy schedule to get in the way of maintaining that balance I’d come to rely on.

The other thing I’d manage to do is forget to being ok with saying “no” once in a while. I was putting pressure on myself to make everyone happy and it was taking its toll. Especially since professionally I was increasingly busy, which was a good thing. The problem was, I was also trying to be the perfect dad, friend, neighbor, blogger, brother, son, dog owner etc. And in doing so, I not only ignored my own needs, but I also overextended myself which inevitably led to far too many situations where I felt like I was constantly catching up. And as you well know, when you spend an entire week or even month continually five to ten minutes behind, ultimately you’re going to get warn out both physically and mentally. It honestly felt like there was no time to sit, no time to breathe and no time to recharge and though I consider myself an extrovert, my inner introvert was failing fast. I was ignoring a fundamental truth; we ALL need a chance to recharge.

The problem with all of this is that by trying to be all things to all people, no one gets what they need. And that only leads to more rushing and anxiety as you feel even more overwhelmed and guilt ridden. And of course, being a guy, the last thing I was going to do was ask for help.

So I stopped. I knew I wasn’t being myself and the person I’d worked so hard to grow into. Life kind of helped as baseball / softball season ended which freed up no fewer than 4-5 nights a week. I also asked my ex for some help with the kids so I could focus on some extra projects that had come in. I made a point of forcing myself to go to bed at a decent hour. And I started running again. Even if it was only two miles on the treadmill, I was giving myself a chance to clear my head again. Within 48 hours I noticed a difference. I became more focused in whatever I was doing. I regained my composure and felt less panicked. I started finding myself on time, on target and on task.

The funny thing is, I actually have more on my plate now than I did even two weeks ago. And yet, I don’t feel nearly as far behind on things. Sometimes it’s just our perspective. I honestly believe that rest and exercise can really be under appreciated. Working out helped clear my head and helped me sleep better and sleeping better had a profound affect on my mood and ability handle the heavy load. Just stopping periodically gave me a sense of control. Especially when I realized the sky wasn’t going to fall, the sun was still going to rise and people would find a way to continue without me from time to time.

The reality is, you’re constantly going to find surprise loads of crap from time to time. It’s jut how it is. The world is constantly going to drop little turds when you least expect it and what matters is how you decide to handle life’s little presents. You can either allow them to irritate the bejesus out of you or you can scoop em’ up, toss em, light a candle (or incense) and move on with your life. It’s really up to you. The point is to be aware when those little things are causing you to sweat and give yourself a chance to regroup.

Oh, the dog is doing much better by the way. Like me, she’s adjusting and learning. She’s also a great running partner.

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2012 in alone time, awareness, Behavior, Daily Life, Divorce, emotional clutter, Exercise, hurdles, journey, mental stability, pacing yourself, physical activity, positives, reassurance, run for your life, sleep, taking a break, Uncategorized

 

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I’m HANGRY!

14 Oct

We’ve all had moments when for some reason our kid(s) just seem possessed and unreachable. It can happen at some of the most inopportune times and leave us scratching our heads for an answer. And of course at times it can push US off the deep end as well.

Now, for some of you this may seem like a no brainer. But for others who may have been thrust into single parenthood, especially dads who up until know relied on “mom” to handle meals, this may be a helpful piece of knowledge to keep in your back pocket.

When my ex-wife and I were still together, we noticed a definitive pattern with our kids when it came to their demeanor. It would happen just about every day around 4 p.m. and would become known within our family as the witching hour. An edginess would creep into the household and little tempers would flare. The kids would get antsy, edgy and at times unmanageable.

Over time we recognized a pattern. A hungry child equalled a kid who quickly lost control of all faculties. You could bank on it. It wasn’t just a minor edginess either, it would be a complete lack of ability to control emotions and actions. With three of them it could cause a complete train wreck. And then of course it hit me. These were the offspring of a man who gets incredibly ornery if he doesn’t eat; a phrase a friend of mine recently referred to as “hangry.”

As an example, twice this past week I noticed one of my kids becoming inconsolable and incredulously uncooperative. One of these moments occurred on a day when dinner was missed due to an early softball game. My youngest started to lose the ability to reason and was growing increasingly whiney and loud. No words, timeouts, or threats of consequences were having any affect. I then noticed myself growing increasingly annoyed and frustrated as well, which was what typically happened before this cause and affect was recognized. But now, recognizing that it was 6:00 and that the kid had missed snack time after school, I stopped dead in my tracks and made a run to Sonic. Within five minutes (literally) of getting food on the kid’s stomach he became a completely different kid. I’m not kidding. It was that immediate and was like watching Jekyll and Hyde. You could literally see the transformation before your eyes.

The beauty of this knowledge is that it accomplishes two things. One, it immediately allows you to put down your own defenses because you’re able to recognize there’s a direct cause of the activity. The second is, you can quickly fix the issue and even prepare ahead of time.

At the same time, pointing out to them the difference and teaching them to recognize that they may need sustenance empowers them to help manage their own mood swings. How liberating it will be once they can recognize how they’re acting and realize they may need to eat something.

So now, pockets and glove compartments have cereal bars and snacks in them. Cucumbers, cheese and crackers await the kids when they get off the school bus. And of course, whenever possible, ensuring meals take place when they should is an essential; even when we’re in a rush in the morning. That’s kind of a “duh” I know, but we all know how easy it is to skip dinner when there’s a 5:00 baseball game or we need to be in four places at the same time on a Saturday.

Now obviously, hunger isn’t always the answer. It could be an earache, something that happened at school that day, or they could just be in a mode. Or maybe, for some reason, today they’re simply struggling with something; perhaps even the divorce. The point to all of this is to consider the source of their actions and not necessarily throw your arms up in the air and assume they’re being brats just for the sake of being a brat. Typically there’s an underlying reason for their actions and our jobs as parents is to find the strength to control our own reactions while we attempt to get to the root of our child’s.

It’s funny isn’t it? How often we take for granted the things we’ve learned about ourselves over the years and yet expect our kids to know and understand their own emotions from day one. Sometimes in the heat of the tantrum it just helps to stop for a moment and recognize your kid is obviously hurting on some level, either emotionally or physically, and needs some guidance more than a stern voice. Easier said than done, but as hard as it can be, sometimes the best thing we can do is stop, listen and be the reasoning voice for both of parties; especially when you’re both a little “hangry.”

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2012 in awareness, Behavior, breakfast, Daily Life, dealing with stress, emotions, family time, hangry, Kid Tips, Meals, mental stability, recharge, snacks, Staying Positive, Support, time management, Uncategorized

 

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