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Category Archives: This Too Shall Pass

Power of a Hug

07 Feb

On more than one occasion when one of my children have been struggling, I’ve initially gotten frustrated with them and their behavior which only made matters worse. When their mood is thrust upon you, especially at the most inopportune moments, it’s easy to fall into the fatal trap of “not you too?”

There was one particular moment when my son was acting up and lashing out. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what was going on with him. He was doing everything he could to get under everyone’s skin. Once he accomplished that the negativity in the room only escalated.images-6

As the circumstance continued to spiral downward we reached a point where I simply didn’t know what to do. There was anger, frustration, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, exhaustion, rage, all bundled together building up inside of me as I began to truly hate the moment and what I was being forced to deal with.

He stood there screaming at me, calling me names, yelling, kicking, hitting; doing everything he could to lash out. The more I told him to stop, the more he increased the volume and intensity. I could feel myself boiling inside ready to do ANYTHING to stop it.

I finally hit my limit, grabbed him and held him close to me. In an instant he stopped. His body fell limp as he put his arms around my neck. A heavy sigh escaped his lungs as he laid his head on my shoulders and emotionally collapsed.

We stood there like that for about twenty minutes and the world disappeared.

I don’t know what started his fit. No idea where it came from or what initiated it. I could blame it on the divorce. 8925318-give-your-best-made-by-post-itCould blame it on his sisters. Maybe he hadn’t had enough rest. Maybe something happened at school. Who knows. Hell, who knows why we lash out at people we love sometimes.

I think about that moment from time to time. Especially when one of my kids is acting up. Trying to understand what’s going on in their little minds and hearts is an impossible task. Sometimes they end up in their room. Sometimes timeout. Sometimes they get a lecture. And sometimes they get a hug. Each moment is a new learning experience as a parent.

But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that when they’re at their worst, that’s typically when they need our best.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2013 in anxiety, awareness, Behavior, bonding, connecting, Daily Life, dealing with stress, depression, Divorce, emotions, mental wellness, patience, Staying Positive, stress, Support, Talking To Kids, This Too Shall Pass, Uncategorized

 

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Cowabunga Dude!

26 Jun

My eyes opened this morning at around 6:15. No real reason. Perhaps the fact that the sun is up well before that these days was part of it. Regardless, I remember popping the lids feeling much better about life than I did a mere 24 hours prior. Again, no real reason. Just a new mindset had taken over.

There is no real constant to life. It comes and goes in waves. Some good. Some bad. Some big. Some small. I think we all want life to be one consistently calm ocean. We want our journey to be easily navigated on a day to day basis. Unfortunately, I don’t know that such a reality exists. Doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, short or tall, married or divorced. The truth is, there are highs and lows, there’s good and bad, and the only constant is that there is no constant.

I actually find some sense of comfort knowing this. Especially on days that are full of negativity or when my mind is just ‘murky.’ There’s a sense of peace knowing that the wave of negativity will eventually pass and a new wave, perhaps a much more ridable one, will soon follow. There’s always the possibility that a storm will come along and cause an even WORSE wave to follow, but at some point all storms pass and calmer more manageable waters prevail.

And what if you’re riding a string of good waves? Should you be concerned that a bad wave will eventually come along? Well there’s a danger to that way of thinking. For example, my father always warned me that if you’re having a good day, watch out because it means a bad day is coming. He never appeared to get amped about a good wave. He always seemed to be anticipating a wipe out, even when he had complete control of the wave under him. I really don’t think that’s the answer. I mean, what’s the point of working your way through a string of wipeouts if you’re not going to enjoy life when it’s crankin’? When life brings you positives shouldn’t you relish in them? Milk em’ for all they’re worth? Ride that puppy as long as it’ll carry you?

What’s the point of wasting your energy worrying about wiping out or the wave over taking you? Isn’t the whole point of surfing to enjoy the rush? If you’re having a good ride, just acknowledge that it will likely end at some point and enjoy it while you can.

Learning to ride the waves of life is truly a skill all its own. Not over reacting to any one wave seems to be the best course. Do your best to surf through the bad ones and enjoy the good ones. Easier said than done I know. But I think coming to terms with the fact that a bad day isn’t necessarily the end of the world is one of the gifts of aging. With every wave we ride, we learn a little more about the feel of it and all of the nuances of the wave. We grow accustomed to the speed, to the feel and to the power beneath us.

If you ever watch seasoned surfers, they’re always looking forward, focused on where they’re going. Rarely do they look back. If you watch a novice, they’re usually fearful of the wave over taking them which typically causes them to wipeout. Perhaps the lesson is to just keep moving forward and to stay focused. Don’t worry about what’s coming up behind you. Don’t worry about a wave crashing over you. Just know that if you DO wipeout, a new wave will be coming up shortly. The point is to get back on the board.

As a parent every wave is an opportunity for us to teach our kids how to surf life’s ups and downs. They watch every move we make and are aware of every motion. Let them learn not to be clucked when a wave approaches, big or small. After all, the last thing you want to raise is a frube. (One too many I know. Just humor me)

Teach them to embrace the waves. To appreciate the rush that each one presents us with. Let them see that wiping out from time to time is o.k. They teach us limits and that falling in the ocean isn’t always that bad. Let them witness you riding the good AND bad waves like a pro. Teach them to appreciate the fact that life is constantly changing and that to ride the wave successfully, sometimes you just need to ride it out and not fight it. They’ll remember that as their lives present them with waves of their own to ride. And trust me, it’s going to happen.

As I got out of bed this morning, I tried to acknowledge that today was a good day for surfing. I can see a swell forming and I know there’s a good chance I will indeed wipeout, but if I’m going to have any fun I think it’s important that I attack the wave and hope for a good ride.

I truly believe that. I’m not sure I could survive if I didn’t.

 
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Posted by on June 26, 2012 in achievements, Behavior, Comfort Zones, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, hurdles, physical activity, Staying Positive, surfing, This Too Shall Pass, waves

 

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Pace Yourself

04 Feb

For me, a big aspect of life is pacing yourself and building momentum. It started when I began running competitively at the ripe ole’ age of seven and as I would get older I would notice many parallels between life and running. The most important of these was the importance of understanding your own limits and how to properly pace yourself. The biggest problem for me was that I was horribly impatient. It took everything I had not to sprint out in the lead and burn out in the first 100 yards of a mile race.

This fundamental truth paralleled my own life as I wanted everything to happen immediately and I always came out of the gate strong only to burn out quickly. It was a pattern that would be both a blessing and a curse throughout my career. I’d be full of enthusiasm and vigor for about six months and then burn out. If I was lucky I’d make it through a few weeks of recharging the batteries and I’d be off and running again. If not, I’d eventually move on to something more challenging and exciting and even more exhausting.

By now you’re probably wondering, “what in God’s green earth does that have to do with being a divorced father of three?” Well that’s a good question. When you’re a parent you really don’t get many opportunities to recharge. If you’re lucky you have a spouse who can pick up the ball and run with it when you crash. But when you’re a divorced, single parent that luxury is gone. Even if you have the support of an ex-wife or other family members, when the kids are with you, it’s all on your shoulders to keep it moving. There’s no running to the grocery store to pick up milk without getting all three dressed and transitioned to the car. The three of them can become life a school of piranah all feeding off of your existence. You’re constantly on the move, constantly going. Sit for five seconds and one of them is bound to yell, “DADDDDDDD … there’s no toilet paper!!!!”

At first you envision the end of the week finish line. Sunday at six they’ll go to their mom’s and you’ll be able to regroup. But that’s when you catch up with client work and getting the house back in order. Suddenly it’s Sunday again and the house still isn’t together, the work isn’t completed and you have to pick up the kids in an hour. You forgot to restock the fridge and the jeans you know your daughter is going to want to wear to school in the morning are still in the laundry basket. It’s a never ending vicious cycle.

The first few months I was all over it. Piece of cake I said to myself. I’ve got this. But then I started noticing that I was pacing myself for a 5K not a marathon. It wasn’t long before I started freaking out, afraid I’d hit the wall sooner than later. Little things started getting missed. An extra pair of shoes on the kitchen floor. Toys left laying around in the bonus room. The car was starting to get creepy dirty. Lunches started getting made 15 minutes before the kids had to be on the bus rather than the night before. Papers were piling up on my desk. Laundry was getting done, but there were little piles strewn throughout the house waiting to be put away.

I was slipping and falling to the back of the pack and I wasn’t seeing a finish line.

The end.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

Eventually you crash. It’s inevitable. Your body and mind simply aren’t in shape for this long a run. I finally gave myself a day to just veg. I crashed on the couch and shut off all the computers and tv’s and just did nothing but sleep. I kept the phone on in case of an emergency but otherwise shut the world out cold turkey. It was liberating. The next morning I woke up a little groggy, but after a cup of coffee and an hour of decompression, I felt renewed and had a fresh perspective on my new reality. Was it bliss after that? Hell no. Life was still waiting for me on the other side. But I at least had the mental capacity to face it and deal with it with a clearer head.

I continue to struggle with the constant movement and with trying to keep up with everything that is my world. Raising three kids and building a small business both require 110% of my being. That’s 220%. Who has that? And sometimes I fall back in the pack a little. Despite the dishes being cleaned, the laundry folded and the carpets vacuumed the house still feels cluttered and a bit unkept. Work is still overwhelming. I freak about having enough business and the paperwork is piled on my desk, but after every meltdown I’m a little more confident that I can keep things moving. Surrounding myself with supportive people helps. Maintaining a good relationship with my ex-wife helps. All of it put together creates a make shift safety net of sorts.

But it’s a lot. And at some point you have to acknowledge that what you’re trying to cope with is physically demanding and emotionally draining. Somewhere in that mess, as difficult as it is, you need to find a way to cut yourself some slack. Stop and go for a run or head to the “Y” for an hour to allow yourself a chance to clear your head. Sneak a nap in when you can. The laundry can wait. It’s not the end of the world if your daughter has to wear a pair of pants she doesn’t like once in a while. She’ll get over it and the boy sitting next to her will still like her. And if he doesn’t he’s a jerk anyway and she can do SO much better.

But back to the point. What’s important is that you keep in mind this truly is a marathon not a 5k. That’s the reality. It’s important to find a pace that works for you and adjust your life accordingly. Some miles will be easier than others. There will be hills but there will also be flats. Once in a while you may need to walk. And that’s o.k. I think what I’m coming to grips with is the fact that there really is no finish line. A pit stop here and there maybe, but no checkered flag. There won’t be that moment when you break the tape. And yet somehow you win. There are little victories every day. That’s what you need to focus on. The small triumphs that let you know you’re making progress. Give yourself those little trophies. Embrace them. Recognize that you’ve earned them. Then check your laces, stretch your back and start the next mile. Just be sure to pace yourself.

 
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Posted by on February 4, 2012 in Behavior, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Encouragement, Exercise, Laundry, One on One Time, pacing yourself, physical activity, reassurance, run for your life, Staying Positive, Support, This Too Shall Pass, time management

 

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Hot and Cold

01 Feb

I started writing this entry last week when the kids were staying with their mom. I find my mental state fluctuates a great deal depending on whether they’re staying at my house or hers so I thought I’d wait until I could have a more objective take on the difference. As is typically the case, I still get to see the kids a great deal, even on my off weeks. Regardless of whether my ex and I are annoyed with each other for some reason or on good terms, somehow we still manage to put the bigger picture into perspective and help each other out or give the other a chance to do something special with one or more of the rugrats. It’s comforting to know that on any given day I might get to spend a little time with them even when they’re with their mom. It’s not always easy … but again … important to look at the big picture.

One element that is difficult to grow accustomed to on my off weeks is the quietness of the house when they’re not here. There is an element of completeness when they’re living here that comes with making lunches for school, tucking them in, waking them up (or them waking me up), picking them up at the bus stop, doing homework, making dinner as a family etc. Conversely, there’s a bit of withdrawal that happens on the off weeks that’s impossible to fully overcome. It’s a stark reminder of the new reality and as much as I try to take advantage of the “me” time and the ability to work without interruption, or hang out with friends, there’s still a void or emptiness. It’s almost as if I’m living a double life.

I suppose that will always be the case. I’m fairly certain and would expect that my ex-wife experiences the same thing and I’m sure the kids feel it too on some level. Even though at all times they have a foundation, the shifting has to wear on them. As much as we try to communicate about rules, parenting, punishments, etc., there’s still going to be a difference in the environments which on some level has to be a bit of a shock to the system for the kids. I do my best to remember on the weeks that I have the kids that my ex is probably going through many of the same emotions I go through when they’re with her. The withdrawal that occurs when you drop them off is unmistakable. You can plan all you want and think about how much you’re going to get done when you get back to the empty house, but inevitably when you get home you go through a decompression that has you on the couch reflecting on the week and adjusting to the silence.

As much as we’ve grown and as much as we’ve adjusted, there are obvious aspects of this new reality that will take a long time to grow accustomed to. Seeing their mom on a regular basis, knowing what we were to each other once up on a time, knowing where we stand now, wondering where we’ll stand 3 years from now; it can all be very overwhelming as you try to put things into perspective. All I can do for now is enjoy them to the fullest when I can and focus on the fact that they laugh a lot. They sing in the shower. They giggle and hug a lot. Honestly, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear some days they seem more grown up than I do.

I know I’ve said it repeatedly, but it really does deserve repeating. Whatever you experience emotionally when it comes to the kids works both ways. Whatever you’re experiencing, there is another person who will be going through the exact same thing directly after you. I’ve always lived life believing all things in moderation. But there’s no way to fully accomplish this when it comes to a divorce. You can soften the drop off a bit but for the most part it’s all or nothing one week at a time. Therefore, it’s important to give your mind a chance to adjust and to give yourself time to prepare for the transition. And if it’s difficult, which it will be … just think of what it must be like for the kids.

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2012 in Alone, Behavior, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Encouragement, One on One Time, state of mind, Staying Positive, Support, Talking To Kids, This Too Shall Pass, transitioning

 

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Love Hate Relationship

27 Jan

When I got married, I thought having grown up with four sisters, I had a pretty good understanding of women. Two weeks into my marriage I realized I had no freakin’ clue. Two “years” into my marriage I completely threw my arms up in defeat and I’m pretty sure my wife, who grew up with only brothers, did the same.

So now I find myself watching my own kids and I swear, I’m learning more about girls than I ever learned watching my own sisters or living with my wife. So often my immediate reaction when I see my girls arguing is to intervene and explain how lucky they are to have each other. There was a time, not that long ago, when their words really hurt each other and I felt compelled to force feed them the knowledge that as sisters they needed to learn to appreciate each other. I’m beginning to grasp the possible reality that sometimes the best thing to do is just let them hash it out.

As parents the very idea of our kids arguing triggers an internal fear that we’ve completely screwed up as parents and we immediately feel it necessary to jump in and turn it into a life lesson about getting along. Perhaps some times the best thing we can do is give them room to work it out. One day in the car the girls got into a horrible fight that had them crying to each other with one weeping about how hard it is to be the older sister and the other how difficult it is to live in the other’s shadow. They were screaming unbridled at each other and in full on tears sobbing through their closing arguments. But there was something different about this argument. They were not only sharing their perspectives, but then validating each other in the process. I was floored. Ten minutes later they were singing Lemonade Mouth tunes together.

As they’re getting older their bickering is almost turning into their own means of communication that only they understand. It’s like they bond through calling each other stupid head and smacking each other for sitting in the wrong seat at the dinner table. Sure there are still plenty of discussions needed about the correct way to approach conflict and handle altercations. And I believe my role as a dad is to provide them with the tools they need to maintain respect while sharing a difference of opinion. Those times are typically during the calm long after the storm when they’re more reasonable and open to listening. But as I watch them grow into young ladies, I’m learning that as sisters, they’re going to have emotional moments that a lot of guys probably will never understand and that’s O.K.. As siblings, they’re going to have abrasive opinions about each other and will express them quite openly almost as if their love language is their hatred for each other. I’d rather have that than quiet resentment that builds over time.

So after over 40 years of living with women and trying to understand how they think and why they sometimes react the way they do, it’s taken two young children to help me understand, even if just a little, that all they need is the room to freely express themselves without judgement and feel validated and appreciated for who they are both good and bad.

Not really all that different than us guys …

Who knew?

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2012 in Behavior, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Kid Tips, siblings, sisters, Support, Talking To Kids, This Too Shall Pass, traveling with kids

 

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Christmas Hangover

27 Dec

There was a point a week or so ago that I was actually excited about having Christmas eve and Christmas morning with our kids at my ex-wife’s home. There was a certain comfort to it. Our core family reunited to celebrate something positive. As the week progressed however, I found myself having panic attacks about it all. I came down with a horrible cold, my first in almost a year, and the stress of ensuring that presents were where they needed to be, stockings, a few extra gifts at my place, and that everyone had what they needed etc., and just the idea of spending the night in her house was all starting to take it’s toll.

But when the kids and I got there on Saturday everything started to fall into place. My ex had done a great job of planning ahead and for the first time in years most if not all of the wrapping was done before the kids went to bed. It was also obvious the kids were relishing in all of it and our joint efforts appeared to be paying off. The holiday, us all together, presents under the tree, tracking Santa on line … all of it was working pretty well. We even did the Santa visit Saturday afternoon together without a hitch.

Once all the last minute details were completed we had a simple dinner and followed family tradition by watching “White Christmas” together before getting the kids to bed. In no time the living room was prepped for the next morning and every ounce of sweat and tears that had gone into putting it altogether appeared to have paid off.

By the time Christmas morning had arrived, I hadn’t slept at all. Between the cold and squeezing in with my son in his squeaky bed, it was nearly impossible to sleep. But at 6 a.m. … he was up and ready to roll and a cold and lack of sleep wasn’t going to stop this train. So we headed downstairs and before you knew it wrapping paper was flying and kids were squealing with joy and an energy that was higher than any Christmas past. We did our best to hold some sort of structure to the process but just rolled with it as the kids were all anxious to pass out their gifts to each other and get to Santa’s prizes.

After the last gift was opened and the kids had a chance to chill with their new bounty, we finished with some donuts and milk and then the kids and I headed to my place to make a Christmas day feast. We invited their mom over and the five of us entered into our first major holiday as separate families under one roof together sharing sparkling cider and a festive meal. Any issues we had with each other were set aside and it was clear the kids were enjoying every moment. For me that was the greatest gift of all and made all of our efforts to put aside our differences worth it. Despite all of the hardship and stress put upon them, the kids had a tremendous holiday with the two people most important to them breaking bread together.

And there really is no ‘but’ here. Somehow, even as certain events happened that normally would cause friction between my ex and me happened, we managed to work through it all. Perhaps it was the Christmas spirit or just the amount of focus on the kids and knowing that in 36 hours we’d all move on with our lives. But regardless we somehow managed through it all including the discomforts of being in each others’ homes. Whether or not we’ll do it again next year, the fact that we were able to put all the negatives aside and create such a wonderful experience for our kids made all of the stress, all of the worry, all of the discomfort worth it.

I can’t speak for my ex-wife, but I myself walked away from it all feeling pretty good about myself. It felt like I’d grown on some level by not letting the petty stuff get in the way of us having a great time. I’m sure there were things I did that irked her as well, but you’d never known it. On some level I’d like to think it helped my ex-wife and I take another step toward acknowledging that we’re moving in different directions, but that it’s o.k. and that we’re still capable of coming together when it’s important. And when it comes to the kids’ well being … I’d say that’s about as important as it gets.

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Behavior, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Encouragement, holidays, mental wellness, new beginnings, state of mind, Staying Positive, This Too Shall Pass

 

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Retail Love

19 Nov

So, had that experience that all parents just love to pieces tonight; the dreaded, “carrying your kid out the door kicking and screaming because you didn’t buy them something, ” drama. Oh, I felt it coming. It started with a simple return / exchange I needed to do. As is typically the case, the kids were well informed ahead of time that there would be no purchases made during this particular trip. Seemed easy enough. Get in, get out, get er’ done.

Ah, but the youngest had other plans despite his assurance that he understood there would be no exchange of coin during this transaction. And so, confident we were ready and well prepared, in we went.

Now, we’ve been to the book store a million times. And some times we buy a small book or two and other times we don’t. When we do they have a budget to adhere to and seem to enjoy the browsing almost as much as the buying. When we’re not there to purchase, which I personally think is a good exercise, they understand well in advance that there will be no buying today. But it never fails, one of them typically finds something they HAVE to have and end up throwing a fit over it. Such was the case this evening, although there was a twist. There really wasn’t anything the youngest really WANTED so to speak. What I noticed was, that as we were preparing to leave, he got antsy. It was like he felt he couldn’t leave without experiencing the high of getting something new. I saw him trolling through the Christmas book section, (Sorry, “holiday” section), racing through isles, and just picking random books he may or may not want. As he started to hit panic mode I advised him that it was time to go and started for the door. It was at that moment that he lost it and we hit DEFCON 5.

Oddly enough, for me it was more of a “been there done that” experience. My oldest had on more than one occasion found herself over my shoulder screaming her head off as we walked out of Target. And the middle one still informs me every trip or so that “you’re going to buy me that barbie right now mister!” It was in those early experiences that I learned to ignore the stares, the disapproving eyes, the “who’s in charge” looks from mostly single people who have “no idea” what they’re in for in a few years. I had come to appreciate that a good majority of the onlookers had “been there” themselves and were watching to see how I would handle the ensuing anarchy.

So, with that in mind, pulling from several years of experience, I calmly picked him up and made my way for the door. Much to my amazement, the louder and more frantic his screams of disapproval got, the calmer I became, at one point literally laughing as we made our way passed the registers. My oldest quickly pulled her hood over her head and covered her face with embarrassment, trying desperately to stay just far enough ahead of us to ensure there would be some doubt as to whether or not she was actually associated with us.

There was no yelling on my part, no reaction really other than just making the trip to the car as quick as possible. And then it happened. As I exited the store I passed a 40 something woman who was just entering. She seemed to have that weathered by parenting look about her and as she passed me I caught her assessing the situation as it approached her. It was a, “wonder what the story here is” look. Once she had gathered enough information to pass judgement I got the “yup … been there” glance of approval with a touch of “but still your son’s coming off a bit spoiled” look that reassured me that this too shall pass and we’ll all move on.

And of course … it did. Within five minutes of getting jr strapped in and on the path home, the screaming ceased and the requests for McDonalds began and we were on our way.

I think I’ve learned that around 7 or 8 they start to figure out, with enough encouragement and experiences, that it’s o.k. to leave a store without a new toy or skirt. They’ll live … and so will Target.

 
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Posted by on November 19, 2011 in Behavior, Daily Life, Kid Tips, Retail Love, Shopping, Staying Positive, This Too Shall Pass, Uncategorized

 
 
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