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Category Archives: goals

How Many Graduations Does It Take To Graduate?

20 May

When I first sat down to write this, my intention was to poke a little fun at the number of graduations a kid now goes through before even reaching high school. In my head, I always saw graduation as the moment when you’d gone through the entire required educational process and were handed a diploma that would get the truantClose up of a graduation cap and a certificate with a ribbon officer off your back and you could now get a job.

I kind of understood the pre-school graduation and equated it to three-year-olds playing soccer. It was more for the parents than the kids really. But when you add on kindergarten, elementary and middle, it seemed like we were pretty much taking the wind out of the high school graduation sail. I get the whole, “build their self esteem” thing, but at some point it starts to feel like overkill. As I told my daughter, when you run a marathon they don’t hand you medals at the 1 mile, 10 mile, 16 mile and 22 mile marker. They make you go the full 26.2 before you get your accolades and hardware.

So as we entered the gym for my daughter’s fifth grade “recognition” ceremony, I politely placed my soapbox under me and prepared to roll my eyes from time to time. About two kleenexes in I realized I was toast.

Flashbacks of her first days of pre-school and kindergarten flashed through my mind as did all of the times I sat with her in the cafeteria during lunch, fought over what she was going to wear to school and pushed her to finish last minute projects. I thought about all of the music pageants, talent shows, teacher conferences, days getting her on and off the bus. And yes, I got a little emotional more than once.

And that’s when I realized how great it was to experience those emotions knowing we weren’t quite done yet. I was able to triathlon-water-station-by-dominikgoleniaappreciate her milestones without the dreaded, “man that flew by so fast and now she’s gone” moment, which is still several years away. Watching her reach this mile marker, knowing we still had a way to go helped me grasp the fact that I still had time to be with her and enjoy this time of her life with her. And then I glanced at her two younger siblings thinking, “we’re just getting started.” Then I smiled and pushed my soap box under my seat.

Yes, it’s kind of crazy to have graduation ceremonies every few years, but hey, think of them as the water and gatorade stations they have along the marathon course. Sometimes we need a little refreshment to recharge the batteries and prepare us for the next leg of the journey. In this instance that part of the race is middle school. God help us.

 

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2013 in Encouragement, School, pacing yourself, goals, achievements, awareness, being there

 

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Not Everyone Gets A Trophy

08 Apr

The question comes up from time to time within my family about the value of sports when it comes to kids. I have four older sisters, three of which are or were teachers at one time. The argument of teaching kids about competition and how to lose are sometimes at the forefront. Personally, I think it’s a sin that every kid gets a trophy regardless of whether they win or not. Life isn’t like that. Not everyone gets the gig or a raise. The argument about building self esteem just doesn’t wash for me. I think you can build more esteem by teaching a kid to bounce back from defeat and overcome that feeling of being let down. How you react to failure and
seq_2_big adversity is a skill that needs to be taught at an early age (if you ask me anyway). That’s not to say we shouldn’t be pumping our kids up and reminding them about how great they are, but I think we forget that losing isn’t the end. It’s just part of the journey.

I personally believe that there are countless opportunities to teach our kids life lessons through sports. And if you’re not careful, sometimes you can learn a lesson or two yourself in the process.

Case in point: I was coaching my son’s soccer game over the weekend and had a bit of a revelation. He had struggled in the first half and was playing somewhat passively. His tentative approach had him out of position a great deal of the time and he was growing frustrated that he wasn’t getting the ball very often. I kept encouraging him during the third quarter to go after the ball more when the opposing team had control and to take the ball from them. Basically, telling him that if he wanted the ball, he’d have to fight for it. I reminded him that the other team wasn’t just going to hand it to him and his teammates weren’t going to pass it to him if he wasn’t open.

We talked about awareness and opening his eyes to the big picture and recognizing where he needed to be in order to be the most effective. What did he need to do to help be a more productive and valuable member of the team at any given moment? I told him, get your head up and eyes wide.

Early on in the fourth quarter, the action happened to be taking place directly in front of me. The other team was moving up field and my son was standing in front of the guy who had control of the ball. My son was just kind of standing there looking like he wasn’t sure what to do. I was close enough to yell to him and encouraged him to go for it and take the ball from the other guy. And sure enough, he pressured the imagesguy and got a foot on the ball and broke it free. He then proceeded to dribble toward the opposing goal and made a beautiful pass that set up a shot. From that point on he started getting right in the thick of things and started playing with more ferver. His energy and confidence grew each time he managed to gain control of the ball and eventually he even scored a goal.

A few of his teammates had taken notice as well and began to emulate his actions. Suddenly the entire team began to play with more intensity and were controlling the ball better. And don’t tell me winning doesn’t matter to a seven year old. They had no problem reminding themselves and anyone who’d listen who won and what the score was which quickly turned into a lesson on good sportsmanship and being a gracious victor.

As we got in the car, I started thinking about work and a couple of personal goals I hadn’t met. And then it hit me. I’d been living life the past few months like my son was playing soccer in the first half. Waiting for things to come to me and wondering why no one was passing me the ball. Yet I hadn’t really done much to put myself in a position to get the ball. I’d just kind of been standing there waiting for something to happen. And sadly, that’s not how it works. I looked at my son and the other kids on the field and eventually entered this week determined to step up my game and make a stronger effort to put myself in position to score.

From social skills to approaching adversity and challenges, I do believe sports are a valuable tool. But like any tool, it’s important to understand how to use it and the dangers of using it incorrectly. It’s also about balance and understanding when it’s time to back off and not take it too seriously. For us the first rule is to have fun and get exercise. But honestly, appreciating the value of both success and failure are vital aspects of growing up. It’s the cornerstone of what athletics are based upon; winning and losing. And like it or not, a big part of living a life of contentment is learning how to deal with both success and failure. So many life lessons can be taught through athletics and if you’re paying close enough attention, you can likely learn a little something yourself along the way.

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2013 in achievements, awareness, Behavior, emotions, Encouragement, Exercise, goals, patience, physical activity, rules, sports, Staying Positive, Uncategorized, working together

 

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Screw Negativity!

14 Nov

When you’ve been knocked down enough times, you would think a victory would have you jumping for joy. And yet, what’s interesting, is that it’s much easier to instead anticipate and prepare for the next smack upside the head rather than relish the high. I’ve watched others close to me live their lives afraid to celebrate their own victories, instead choosing to find new reasons to worry.

I wrote once about life being a series of waves and how the trick is to learn how to ride the good ones for as long as you can. I still believe that’s the secret. Lord knows we’ll have plenty of opportunities to be battered by them, why not take a moment to stretch out your arms and cheer when you’ve managed to catch a good one and ride it for all its worth. You’ve earned it. You’ve earned the smile and that lilt in your soul. Don’t let pessimism and the hell your divorce, or anything else for that matter, keep you from experiencing joy.

Chances are you’ve had plenty of moments of worry, stress, angst, anger, depression, and just plain blahs. You deserve a victory now and then. Especially when you’ve worked your ass off to achieve it. You’ve pushed yourself emotionally, financially and physically to new limits. You’ve over come countless adversities and changed the very essence of who you are as a human being in the process.

So for the love of GOD allow yourself the moment of peace you’ve waited so long for. Sure tomorrow may knock you back down a beat, all the more reason to look adversity in the eye today and say, screw you, I’m happy damn it! The reality is, once you do it enough times, nothing can bring you down because you know in your heart you’re capable of overcoming anything life throws at you. Nothing can keep you from being happy.  Eventually, negative becomes just a word, a word that will invigorate you rather than suck the life out of you. Because you know the sweet taste of kicking negative’s ass and how it feels to be the positive force it can’t beat.

Perhaps you’ve forgotten that fact. Well, I’m reminding you.

 
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Posted by on November 14, 2012 in achievements, dealing with stress, depression, Encouragement, goals, hurdles, mental stability, mental wellness, new beginnings, One on One Time, positives, state of mind, Staying Positive

 

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“Just One More Son!”

02 Aug

Do you truly know your limits? Do you honestly have a good grasp of what you’re capable of? I often ask myself these questions when I’m on the verge of complete meltdowns. When I’m on the brink of a complete mental and emotional collapse and my head is in my hands and tears are welling up as I hear myself thinking, “I can’t take anymore.”

Yet somehow the sun rises the next day and issues eventually resolve themselves. It may take them longer than we’d like them too, but somewhere, out of pure necessity, we find the ability to fight on. But you and I know it doesn’t feel that way when we’re in the midst of battle. My father used to drive me crazy when I’d work on projects with him. “Just one more son!” he’d say at least 45 times. “Just one more” was never “just one more.” And yet those extra 44 one more’s made the final result 44 times better.

Life does that to you. “Just one more son.” And it typically happens when you don’t really have “one more” in you. And yet you find it. How does that happen? I really don’t think we fully appreciate what we’re capable of until life forces you to find out. When we “think” we don’t have anything left in the tank, yet have no choice but to squeeze out one last drop to get us to the next plateau. (I say plateau because there really is no finish line).

So what is your limit? Do you know? Do you? Are you aware of just how much you can handle on any given day? Are you aware of how strong you are? Do you truly appreciate just how much more you have in you that you haven’t tapped yet? It may not feel like it some days, but you likely have more in you than you realize. You’re likely capable of handling even more than you believe.

Divorce has a way of making a person grow up real fast. When it’s all on your shoulders and that little face is looking up at you for guidance and reassurance that everything is going to be alright. Suddenly you find a new source of energy and motivation. I’ve heard it said that the Lord only gives you that which he knows you can handle. I’m not an overtly religious man. But I do know that life dishes out a lot. And it’s up to us to decide if we’re up for the challenge. And I’m here to tell you point blank, you’re up for it. You can do it. May not always feel like it, but just wait until you see what you’re capable of handling.

Now, always handling it with a smile on your face? That’s a whole ‘nother entry.

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2012 in achievements, beginnings, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, emotional clutter, goals, Kid Tips, mental stability, mental wellness, new beginnings, pacing yourself, positives, reassurance, state of mind, Staying Positive, Support, Talking To Kids, traveling with kids

 

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STOP!!! In the name of Love!

30 May

As a single parent my life can get pretty full. Perhaps the most dangerous trap that trying to juggle it all can lead to is that the kids can start to feel as if they’re just another ball I’m juggling. As much attention as they’re given and as much they’re told how important they are, they can sometimes get lumped into the chaos of work, home, family etc. It’s easy for them to blame it on the divorce but regardless, as important as it is that they understand the realities of life, the last thing I want them to feel like is just another spoke in my life’s wheel.

Part of the problem is that they don’t get to experience time with relaxed dad or undistracted dad. Even when it’s their turn, an e-mail about a project or a phone call can easily pull me away despite my best efforts not to let that happen. And as an independent contractor, it can be difficult to just “shut off work” at 5 p.m. Sometimes notes on a project come in at 6 p.m. or a call from a client comes at 6:30 and as an independent, there is always the fear of losing a client over a missed call or not being there when they need you.

So you juggle. And sometimes you drop the ball. And sometimes it’s at the expense of the kids.

So what’s a parent to do? Well. Some times you have to make a conscious decision to block out the rest of the world and give the kids your undivided attention. Or at least that’s my opinion.

A few years ago one of my sisters called me with an interesting offer. She and her husband live on one of the finger lakes and they had become friends with the guy who owns three houses directly next to them. He rents them out to vacationers and had an opening. He offered it to them at a remarkably lowered rate since it was the off season and he hated to see it empty. It was an amazing offer but they couldn’t find anyone to take it for that week. So they called my wife and I about it and we decided to take them up on the offer. And so my family and I took off for Lavonia, NY.

It wasn’t Orlando or Hilton Head but personally I kind of liked that fact. We had an amazing beach house complete with canoes, kayaks, and paddle boats in one of the most amazing lake communities I’d ever witnessed. AND I didn’t have to sacrifice 3 months pay to make it happen. There were no lines, no rushing to get everything in, no walks to the beach, no $10 sodas just a full week of nothing to do but play in the water, go boating, fish to our hearts content, barb-b-que hot dogs, sit by the camp fire and make smores. AND they got to know their aunt and uncle to boot. On a deeper level, there was magic in being surrounded by nothing but blue skies and water instead of deadlines and office walls.

What I learned that first trip was the value of leaving work behind and playing with my children. Not just playing catch for 30 minutes, but really playing with them. The resulting benefits were undeniable. Their attitudes were better, their reactions to their mom and I were better. And I believe it all stemmed from the fact that their mom and dad were more laid back and less reactive themselves. The kids didn’t feel like they themselves were a distraction, they weren’t an annoyance, they weren’t “in the way,” they were the center of our universe and as a team we took a break from the rest of our lives to focus on our parent / child relationships.

So fast forward a few years to today. Now divorced, the level of chaos has grown 10 fold as I try to maintain the lifestyle we once enjoyed as a nuclear family. As the annual trip to the lake started to approach I honestly didn’t know how I could afford to do it either financially or logistically as work was becoming more of a priority. And then I realized; as I saw the kids starting their summer vacation without me; as my ex-wife and I started attempting to figure out summer schedules, camps, day care, and seeing how all of it was affecting the kids, I realized then that I couldn’t afford NOT to do it. We needed to launch into summer together. We all needed a break to reconnect and remind ourselves that we as a family are the root of all that’s crucial. And for that to happen, the kids needed to be with fun dad, undistracted dad and less reactive dad.

And so it was that we came up for the first week of their summer vacation. And within 24 hours all of the benefits started to become blatantly obvious. Suddenly the 13 hour drive up here, which had reached new levels of angst and anxiety and had me proclaiming that I’d never do it again, quickly demonstrated the value of every mile and every “don’t make me pull this car over.” Even the trip itself became its own battle that we conquered as a team, high-fiving each other as we exited the mobile prison that desperately needed more elbow room.

Just a couple of days in, the kids and I have been reminded that our lives may have many spokes, but we as a family are the bike. The kids are not balls I’m desperately trying to keep in the air along with work and the home and the finances. We’re all jugglers working together. We are a team and sometimes the team needs a break to bond and reconnect, away from the stress. But most of all, I think the kids needed to see me blow everything else off to be with them. Yeah, I still have to clean a bit; do a little laundry; make meals; be responsible etc. Yes I answered a couple of work e-mails and did a couple of quick project fixes to keep things moving back on planet earth. But I’m the one leading the charge as we jump off of the dock into the lake. I’m the one jumping in the Jeep to go by night crawlers and hooks for their rods.

You’ll be able to come up with 1,000 excuses not to do it. But I can’t tell you how crucial it is that you do it. Especially if your family is experiencing a new reality of two households and new routines. Because as important as it is that your kids know you’ll blow off the world for them, it’s not just the kids that need to be reminded that you’re still a family.

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2012 in Behavior, Camps, clutter, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, Encouragement, goals, holidays, hurdles, Kid Tips, love, mental stability, new beginnings, orlando, roadtrips, state of mind, Staying Positive, time out, traveling with kids, vacation, Work

 

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Creating A Positive

29 Apr

Let’s face it. Living through a divorce, if nothing else, will certainly grow hair on your chest. It’s a powerful beast that has the potential to bring you to your knees and force you to question everything you ever liked about your self. It can force you to take a second look at your life and rethink every aspect of it. The amount of mental strain and emotional toll can easily affect every nook and cranny of your day and force you to spread yourself so thin that it makes giving anything 100 percent damn near impossible.

So what is one to do? How do you face all this crap and find the strength to put a smile on your face in front of your kids? Especially when your insides are churning with anxiety and you’re filled with self doubt about your ability to even pick out the correct flavor of water pouches at Kroger?

Well, I’m going to actually suggest you add to your day. I’ve spoken before about the fact that I try to run on a regular basis. Rain, snow, sleet, sun, doesn’t matter. It’s therapy for me. And this month I believe I learned the true value of my little slice of “me” time. For me it became a way of creating a positive result. A way for me to set an achievable goal when so many aspects of my life were forcing me to question my ability to achieve anything at all. For me running provided me with a way to set myself up for success so long as I was willing to follow through and force myself to give it proper attention and make it a priority.

The month of April was a tough one for me on many fronts. Thank God for friends and the positive influences that the universe has helped surround me with these past several months. But along with words of encouragement, I needed to have a tangible action that I could control. Something I could do where I could set a goal and remind myself that I’m capable of pushing myself to achieve those goals. I needed to feel like I accomplished something.

Along with being a tough month, April is my birth month. And so I turned to running as a means of setting a goal while at the same time creating a means of gauging my progress in life.

A little heavy I know, but bare with me. As running has been a constant in my life since I was about five, I saw an opportunity to make a statement. Since I began logging my milage a few years ago, I had run 100 miles in a month’s time only once. And to my recollection, I don’t ever remember being that constant enough with my running that I would have ever achieved that level. In my head I felt that if I could match my best month, then that would prove I stl had it in me to get better and that life couldn’t hold me back.

In March I managed to reach 70 and that was pushing it. And so … I set the goal of breaking my own personal monthly record of 100.3 miles.

Ironically, it turns out the negativity in my life was what made achieving my goal possible. Every time I had the rug pulled out from under me, I would lace em’ up and hit the pavement. I knew from past experience that I’d feel better, even if I could just get in a couple of miles.

Along with life’s hurdles, I also had the kids a lot those first couple of weeks of April, so I forced myself to make time after they got on the school bus to kick myself out the door. Eventually I started to find myself more mentally prepared for the day after working out some of the stress. Each run, in and of itself, was a victory; a goal reached; an accomplishment and I was soon addicted to that feeling as I wasn’t feeling it in many other areas of my life.

I grew to find value in each mile. Each run gave me a sense of self worth and accomplishment that countered my feelings of failure in other areas of my life.

And then one afternoon something incredible happened. I felt like I could go forever. I just kept going and going and it felt amazing. Before I knew it I’d logged 9 miles in one stretch. It felt incredible. Not only was I accomplishing goals, I was growing, progressing and getting stronger. I believe at one point I actually grunted like a cave man as I began to feel like I could transfer this positive feeling about myself to help attack some of the other negatives in my life. My energy increased. My belief in myself increased. And I started tackling negatives in other areas of my life out of shear will. The sense of positive was starting to take root. And the added bonus was the endorphins. I found myself being happy despite some incredibly stressful moments.

Even my reactions to the kids were changing. Reminding them to pick up their shoes for the 20th time didn’t seem to push my buttons quite as much. This in turn created a-NOTHER positive as my relationship with my kids improved. Then THEY got along better. It just reverberated.

I’m happy to announce that today I reached my goal of 100.3 miles. I’m actually at 101.3 and I still have two more days left. But as great as the big goal feels it’s the little ones I’ve grown to count on. If I can just get one mile in, it’s a positive accomplishment. It’s progress. It’s moving forward. And some days it’s all I’ve got. And for that I’m grateful because it reminds me that I CAN regain control and I CAN conquer a task. It simply reminds me that I have the ability to make something good happen. Something that I control. And that to me is empowering in a world that can tend to suck the life out of a person.

So what is something YOU can do to create a positive result in your life. What is something YOU can control to start building a foundation of good energy? I would encourage you to find something you enjoy doing that can provide you with a sense of accomplishment. Something you have to force yourself to do for YOU. Maybe it’s reading a chapter of a book a day. Or using your YMCA membership more routinely. Maybe it’s organizing a closet. Or painting a wall. Who cares what it is. If it reminds you that you’re capable, that you’re worthy, that you have a skill or a talent or half a brain … that’s really all that matters.

I hope somewhere in these 1200 or so words you can find something that triggers a thought in your head. A germ of an idea of how you can begin to rebuild your own self worth. Especially if somewhere inside you’re questioning your ability to be everything you once thought you could be. What are your goals? What are some first steps you can take to combat the negativity. I hope you’ll share what you decide to do to create a positive result in your own life. I’d love to hear about it!

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in achievements, Behavior, Comfort Zones, Daily Life, dealing with stress, depression, Divorce, emotional clutter, Encouragement, Exercise, goals, hurdles, mental stability, mental wellness, new beginnings, physical activity, positives, Staying Positive

 

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