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Category Archives: Exercise

Not Everyone Gets A Trophy

The question comes up from time to time within my family about the value of sports when it comes to kids. I have four older sisters, three of which are or were teachers at one time. The argument of teaching kids about competition and how to lose are sometimes at the forefront. Personally, I think it’s a sin that every kid gets a trophy regardless of whether they win or not. Life isn’t like that. Not everyone gets the gig or a raise. The argument about building self esteem just doesn’t wash for me. I think you can build more esteem by teaching a kid to bounce back from defeat and overcome that feeling of being let down. How you react to failure and
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adversity is a skill that needs to be taught at an early age (if you ask me anyway). That’s not to say we shouldn’t be pumping our kids up and reminding them about how great they are, but I think we forget that losing isn’t the end. It’s just part of the journey.

I personally believe that there are countless opportunities to teach our kids life lessons through sports. And if you’re not careful, sometimes you can learn a lesson or two yourself in the process.

Case in point: I was coaching my son’s soccer game over the weekend and had a bit of a revelation. He had struggled in the first half and was playing somewhat passively. His tentative approach had him out of position a great deal of the time and he was growing frustrated that he wasn’t getting the ball very often. I kept encouraging him during the third quarter to go after the ball more when the opposing team had control and to take the ball from them. Basically, telling him that if he wanted the ball, he’d have to fight for it. I reminded him that the other team wasn’t just going to hand it to him and his teammates weren’t going to pass it to him if he wasn’t open.

We talked about awareness and opening his eyes to the big picture and recognizing where he needed to be in order to be the most effective. What did he need to do to help be a more productive and valuable member of the team at any given moment? I told him, get your head up and eyes wide.

Early on in the fourth quarter, the action happened to be taking place directly in front of me. The other team was moving up field and my son was standing in front of the guy who had control of the ball. My son was just kind of standing there looking like he wasn’t sure what to do. I was close enough to yell to him and encouraged him to go for it and take the ball from the other guy. And sure enough, he pressured the imagesguy and got a foot on the ball and broke it free. He then proceeded to dribble toward the opposing goal and made a beautiful pass that set up a shot. From that point on he started getting right in the thick of things and started playing with more ferver. His energy and confidence grew each time he managed to gain control of the ball and eventually he even scored a goal.

A few of his teammates had taken notice as well and began to emulate his actions. Suddenly the entire team began to play with more intensity and were controlling the ball better. And don’t tell me winning doesn’t matter to a seven year old. They had no problem reminding themselves and anyone who’d listen who won and what the score was which quickly turned into a lesson on good sportsmanship and being a gracious victor.

As we got in the car, I started thinking about work and a couple of personal goals I hadn’t met. And then it hit me. I’d been living life the past few months like my son was playing soccer in the first half. Waiting for things to come to me and wondering why no one was passing me the ball. Yet I hadn’t really done much to put myself in a position to get the ball. I’d just kind of been standing there waiting for something to happen. And sadly, that’s not how it works. I looked at my son and the other kids on the field and eventually entered this week determined to step up my game and make a stronger effort to put myself in position to score.

From social skills to approaching adversity and challenges, I do believe sports are a valuable tool. But like any tool, it’s important to understand how to use it and the dangers of using it incorrectly. It’s also about balance and understanding when it’s time to back off and not take it too seriously. For us the first rule is to have fun and get exercise. But honestly, appreciating the value of both success and failure are vital aspects of growing up. It’s the cornerstone of what athletics are based upon; winning and losing. And like it or not, a big part of living a life of contentment is learning how to deal with both success and failure. So many life lessons can be taught through athletics and if you’re paying close enough attention, you can likely learn a little something yourself along the way.

 

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It’s All Downhill From Here

Being born in Western, NY, I grew up with snow. Hence, many of the stories I tell my kids about my childhood involve snow and lots of it. It’s something I think every kid should experience and something I want my kids to know. I want them to know what it feels like to fall face first in it or go, what feels like 120 mph, completely out of control down a hill with 30 mph winds blowing fresh powder in their face. I want them to have a memory ofchesnutridge6 rolling around in 18 inches of fresh pack powder and then defrosting in front of a warm fire, only to go back out into the frozen tundra for another round. I want them to feel huge snowflakes on their eyelashes as they walk up a hill listening to the crunch of the snow packing under their footsteps.

Unfortunately, being that we live in the south those are hard memories to come by.  So every year around this time my kids and I watch the weather forecast in Buffalo, NY very closely. And upon the first sign of a good lake effort storm we pack our bags, grab a new set of long johns, boots, gloves and anything else we may be missing and stay glued to the Weather Channel App. And when it hits, no matter when it is, we jump in the jeep and we head north.

It takes a lot of effort on everyone’s part to make the trip work. Driving that many hours crammed in something other than a mini-van is not something I would recommend for anyone with a weak stomach. But having traveled as much as our kids have in their short lives, they’ve become pros. So they burry their heads in DVD’s, i-pod touches, and Nooks and buckle in for the long journey demanding I go through the drive thru to save 20 minutes. After twelve hours on the road, we usually commandeer an unsuspecting family member’s home. We then proceed to partake in winterpalooza and enjoy two or three days of non-stop sledding, snowman building, chestnutridge5chicken wing eating, snowball fighting and hot chocolate drinking. It’s become a tradition and this year was no different.

I won’t lie. It’s an effort. Twelve hours (both ways) in tight quarters all for the sake of a few hours of playing in the white fluffy stuff is a test for any family. But I’ll tell you. It’s worth it. To hear the first exclamation of “LOOK SNOW!” as we head into Ohio. The giggles of anticipation. To witness the first snowball thrown during a routine stop for fuel and bathroom breaks. And then to see them all bundled up in their snow pants, boots, gloves, scarves, hats and mittens. Ready to brave mother nature’s fury. It’s just amazing and worth every mile.

There was one point on the third day when we had stopped for our last day of sledding. Wind gusts were 50 mph off the lake and it was only about 20 degrees out. One of the kids refused to get out of the car. But I had promised the other two they could have one more day so I literally picked the disgruntled snow bunny out of the car and carried her to the lodge. Three hours later she was the one pleading for one more time down the hill. And that’s how it goes. Part of the trip isn’t just about the experience of the snow and the environment. It’s about continually demonstrating to the kids what happens when you push yourself a bit. When you go outsidechestnutridge4 your comfort zone and try something you otherwise would forgo in leu of sitting on the couch watching an episode of i-Carly.

To accomplish that, we as parents sometimes have to push ourselves as well and go outside our own comfort zones. In the process we ourselves gain experiences we otherwise would never know the joy of. If I’m thankful for anything, it’s not just the memories of playing in the snow. It’s about the experiences I’ve had because of the kids who pushed me to do things I myself would have never attempted. All for the sake of ensuring they themselves had the chance to try something different.

One thing my ex and I agree on is that memories and experiences far outshine things. It’s not always easy, especially when life gets crazy. But I think it’s important to make these kinds of events the highest priority. Jobs will come and go. Tests can be retaken. Bills will always be there waiting. But their seventh year will only happen once. And then they’ll be going off to college; eventually telling their own kids about their childhood memories. Today is the day to create those memories.

If there was ever anything worth the effort. It’s creating moments for your kids that will last a lifetime. For us one of those memories will be snow.

 

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Finish Strong

As mentioned in previous posts, I’m an avid runner and I believe there are a lot of life lessons to be learned through running with yet another one presenting itself this week. Those of you who run races (and this goes for other sports as well), it really is true that it’s not how you start it’s how you finish. We all stumble over hurdles from time to time, but that doesn’t mean we should quit or that we’ve lost the race. It just means we have to adjust and work a little harder to catch up and finish strong.

It holds true in life as well. I think it’s unrealistic to think that every day is going to be bliss. From time to time we trip up and stumble. Despite our best efforts as parents to hold it together and be the voice of reason, kids have a way of pushing buttons both with each other and with us. And so, flare ups are going to happen. I think that’s just par for the course. The key is what we do with those moments. When we trip on a hurdle, do we quit and call it a loss? Do we let those stumbles ruin our day? Or do we lace em’ up and keep on going?

Yesterday, despite a pretty good day overall, the kids and I hit a couple of rough patches. All of us were guilty to some extent and we got home from one particular trip pretty banged up with many sad faces. There was some pushing, shoving, pinching, kicking, name calling, yelling etc. that simply went beyond the norm and became a distraction to the person attempting to navigate the road. (That would be me).

So when we got home I suggested everyone take a moment to go to their rooms (myself included) and think for 5-10 minutes about how things could have been handled differently. Where did we lose control of the race and how could we have adjusted our pace for a more successful leg? When we all reconvened, I made it clear that my primary objective was to ensure that a few moments of ugliness wouldn’t define our day. That it was just one lap and that we still had a chance to finish strong. I told them we’re all going to have moments we’re not necessarily going to be proud of, but that doesn’t mean it has to create a black cloud over the house and keep us from enjoying the rest of our time together.

Along with being a runner, I’m also a big fan of any coach who makes adjustments at half time that demonstrate an ability to recognize what’s not working and gives a team the tools necessary for success in the 2nd half. And so, I took our time out as a half time break and encouraged the kids to put the first half behind them and refocus their attention on the finish. And believe it or not, the kids responded and we ended up having a great rest of the day.

It speaks to a bigger truth about being a divorced parent. The word team really takes on a whole new meaning. You have to work as a team on a whole new level and adjust the way you live your lives. That’s true for both you AND the kids. As a single parent, the zone defense idea is out the window. You can’t just grab one kid and run to the store to get milk. You have to take everyone. It’s a huge disruption and effort for everyone involved. It’s going to cause tension from time to time as options are sometimes limited. The more you can take moments to demonstrate the importance of being tolerable and flexible and just “roll with it,” the more you can create successful environments and excursions. But the bottom line is, you really are in it together right down to the finish.

You can also teach your kids to be a team player which will help them as they get older. Teach them that not everything is always going to go as planned. Not every play is going to work the way you envisioned. And sometimes dad it going to have to call an audible. (I realize my metaphors are getting a little cross pollenated, but bare with me). The bottom line is you have to willing to adjust your game plan or your approach to the race on the fly some times. And when you’re more open to that, your chances of success increase exponentially.

So to their credit, the kids and I ended the day on a positive and I took every opportunity to point out the fact that we rebounded nicely. We also talked about the benefits of putting the “yuck” behind us. No judgement, no blaming, just an acknowledgement that we all could, and did, better. It was so great to see them celebrate the fact that in the end we all did a great job of getting past the hurdles and that we as a family finished strong.

 

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Oh CRAP!

Life is like house training a dog. Just when you start to get comfortable with the situation and are convinced your hard work has paid off, you find an undetected new pile of crap you have to deal with. The trick is learning how to deal with that revelation as it means you’re not quite as far along as you thought and still have some work to do.

I had reached a point where I was getting pretty good at accepting those little set backs. Then a few weeks ago I noticed myself slipping back into my old habits of letting the little piles irritate, well, the crap out of me. I was getting edgy again and found myself feeling overwhelmed and having a difficult time getting out of my funk. I was getting mad over stupid things like my football team losing, not finding my keys, and yes, our new dog taking a dump in my office. I was also getting irritated with my ex over things that really weren’t relevant or that important.

Early on, when I first started this blog, I wrote about being aware and how that’s the first step toward reaching new levels of peace and personal growth. I still believe that and put myself in time out one evening to think about what was going on and why I was so irritable. So I sat back and tried to assess the changes that had taken place and recognized that although I’d made tremendous strides the past several months regaining control of my life; I had ignored some fundamental truths about myself that needed to be readdressed. Biggest one on the list?; I had stopped running and getting exercise. I’ve written multiple times about the importance of giving yourself that hour and the difference sweating and physically pushing yourself can have on your mental state. Yet, somehow I’d managed to ignore my own advice and had allowed a busy schedule to get in the way of maintaining that balance I’d come to rely on.

The other thing I’d manage to do is forget to being ok with saying “no” once in a while. I was putting pressure on myself to make everyone happy and it was taking its toll. Especially since professionally I was increasingly busy, which was a good thing. The problem was, I was also trying to be the perfect dad, friend, neighbor, blogger, brother, son, dog owner etc. And in doing so, I not only ignored my own needs, but I also overextended myself which inevitably led to far too many situations where I felt like I was constantly catching up. And as you well know, when you spend an entire week or even month continually five to ten minutes behind, ultimately you’re going to get warn out both physically and mentally. It honestly felt like there was no time to sit, no time to breathe and no time to recharge and though I consider myself an extrovert, my inner introvert was failing fast. I was ignoring a fundamental truth; we ALL need a chance to recharge.

The problem with all of this is that by trying to be all things to all people, no one gets what they need. And that only leads to more rushing and anxiety as you feel even more overwhelmed and guilt ridden. And of course, being a guy, the last thing I was going to do was ask for help.

So I stopped. I knew I wasn’t being myself and the person I’d worked so hard to grow into. Life kind of helped as baseball / softball season ended which freed up no fewer than 4-5 nights a week. I also asked my ex for some help with the kids so I could focus on some extra projects that had come in. I made a point of forcing myself to go to bed at a decent hour. And I started running again. Even if it was only two miles on the treadmill, I was giving myself a chance to clear my head again. Within 48 hours I noticed a difference. I became more focused in whatever I was doing. I regained my composure and felt less panicked. I started finding myself on time, on target and on task.

The funny thing is, I actually have more on my plate now than I did even two weeks ago. And yet, I don’t feel nearly as far behind on things. Sometimes it’s just our perspective. I honestly believe that rest and exercise can really be under appreciated. Working out helped clear my head and helped me sleep better and sleeping better had a profound affect on my mood and ability handle the heavy load. Just stopping periodically gave me a sense of control. Especially when I realized the sky wasn’t going to fall, the sun was still going to rise and people would find a way to continue without me from time to time.

The reality is, you’re constantly going to find surprise loads of crap from time to time. It’s jut how it is. The world is constantly going to drop little turds when you least expect it and what matters is how you decide to handle life’s little presents. You can either allow them to irritate the bejesus out of you or you can scoop em’ up, toss em, light a candle (or incense) and move on with your life. It’s really up to you. The point is to be aware when those little things are causing you to sweat and give yourself a chance to regroup.

Oh, the dog is doing much better by the way. Like me, she’s adjusting and learning. She’s also a great running partner.

 

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Scream Like A Little Girl

Just when you’re ready to throw your hands up in defeat; as you’re pulling out the white flag and preparing to throw the towel into the middle of the ring; as if the gods recognize you’ve hit your limit; victory.

There is no thrill on this earth quite like the thrill of watching your child overcome immense hurdles. As a parent, you struggle to help them past adversity, to work through fears and get past the b.s. their world throws at them. There are times when you just don’t see it happening and you’re convinced you’ve completely screwed up as a parent and your kid is doomed to a life of wedgies, disappointments and therapy.

But I’m here to tell you dad, they achieve, they grow, they overcome and they fly. Don’t beat yourself up over a moment of frustration when you’re convinced the game is over. Just hang in there. Keep being supportive. Keep encouraging. Throw one more pitch. Loop it, tuck it and pull the lace through one more time. Help them up off the pavement and get their feet on the pedals for one more go. Perhaps the toughest part is knowing when to hold their hand and when to be tough on them. Sometimes they need to sit out a bit when they themselves get frustrated. Chances are not only do you have an opportunity to teach them how to hit a ball, but how to handle anxiety and anger as well. And maybe you’ll learn something about yourself in the process. The hard part is learning to find that balance between pushing and coddling; encouraging and enabling.

As a dad it can drive a man crazy waiting for it all to click. We have internalized preconceived notions of how brilliant our kids are going to be and when it doesn’t jive, we can have our own little meltdowns. When we’ve gone over something 10,000 times or don’t understand why our kid is afraid of moths. But just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

I’m sure you’ll run into other parents who may look at you and say you’re overprotective, or maybe you’re pushing too hard or not enough. We all have opinions. But the truth is, you and their mom know your child better than anyone. That’s not to say it doesn’t hurt to get advice and input from others who may have some good insights. But end of the day, you and their mom know the best way to get them from point A to point B. Communicate when you can because you’re likely to find you’re both struggling with the same issues when it comes to the kids.

But don’t give up. I tell you this, for one day the light bulb will go off. You will see their little face light up with excitement as they “GET IT!” They will look to you with eyes wide open. Their eyes will lock on to yours because you’ve seen them through it and it means the world to them that you acknowledge this breakthrough with them.

Celebrate it with them. Live it with them. Share the smile.

When my son hit the ball after 7824 pitches during practice the other day. I screamed like a little girl at a Justin Bieber concert. And when he picked up the grounder at third and nailed the throw to first base you’d have thought the Bills had won the Super Bowl. In both instances he immediately turned, searched me out and smiled big and bright as the sun. And I, thumb firmly up, smiled back. No one else in the bleachers knew what it took for him to get there. But I did. And so did he. And despite being fifty yards away from each other, we celebrated together with our own internal happy dance.

And it was a good day.

 

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Batter (and credit card) UP!!!

When my ex-wife suggested we sign the girls up for softball I was reluctant at first. Our oldest was head over heals in love with horseback and the middle one a Barbie nut with little interest in athletics. And when we mentioned the idea to the kids, there was a significant amount of backlash. But I liked the idea of them being a part of a team and trying something new. I’m a firm believer that our job as parents is to expose our kids to as many different things as possible to help them figure out what they like or don’t like. We’ve found that typically, the more against something they are, the more they end up loving it. And so off we went. And of course, it took all of one afternoon throwing and hitting the ball around to get our son interested in joining the action and so it was that we had three new all-stars ready for training camp.

Once the excitement of the decision wore off it was time to sign everyone up. Now, as anyone who has more than one kid knows, when it comes to things like camp, clothes, backpacks, shoes, lunch, snacks and sports, whatever something costs you get to multiply it by the number of kids you have. So baseball registration wasn’t $120, it was $360. A potential glove wasn’t $60 it was $180. A new bat wouldn’t cost $70, it would cost $210. I could go on, but you get the idea. I quickly saw an investment of $1000 staring me in the face just to have my kid standing in left field picking his nose.

We decided to do some reconnaissance at a few different sporting goods stores to see exactly what we were in for. To set the scene, it was me and three kids all having panic attacks as all three started choosing their bats, helmets, gloves, cleats and gear bags. The cash register in my head was going at warp speed and the world was collapsing around me. Meanwhile the kids were quickly falling into a shopping feeding frenzy while dad was getting cold sweats and the shakes. Needless to say, we struck out.

“WHOA!” I said. “Let’s think about this for a second.” So I called my ex and asked for her thoughts on what
was appropriate since our agreement when we got divorced was that we would always split these types of expenses to the best of our abilities. And so a budget was established and the idea was suggested that we
shop around, starting at Play it Again Sports. This would help give us a sense of what was reasonable and
there would be no shock when the final tally was presented. We also decided to wait until after the first
practices so that we’d know what size bat would be best, what type of helmet would be appropriate and so on.

The other thing to consider was, we weren’t sure whether this would become a long term thing or not. The last thing we wanted to do was spend a bunch of money on gear only to have it sit in the garage after one season. So after the first practice for each of our rug rats, we hit the streets again, this time starting at Play it Again Sports. And low and behold, we hit pay dirt. There were plenty of bats to choose from for $10.00 and helmets for $5 – $10. While the eldest, as usual, “balked” a bit at the idea of used gear, the two younger ones loved it and dove into trying on helmets and swinging bats. We compromised with the oldest and went to Target, Walmart, Academy Sports etc. just to see what other options there were and eventually purchased things at several different places.

We agreed on new gloves for all three as this seemed like a staple and would be something they’d use whether or not they played in a league and found some pretty nice ones for under $25.00 at Academy Sports. We bought the oldest one a new helmet knowing that the speeds of the balls at her level would be higher and I wasn’t going to skimp on head protection, but still managed to come in under $25.00 at Target. I also found some great helmets at Dick’s Sporting Goods that were reasonably priced. The other two found great used ones for $5 each. Homerun!

The point to all of this is that you’re going to spend some money, but don’t panic (like I initially did). There are options if you’re smart about it. The initial shock of $99.00 bats (x3) and $75.00 gloves (x3)  were enough to cause me to hyperventilate. Taking a step back and asking some questions and doing a little research really paid off and easily saved us hundreds of dollars. And the kids were thrilled.

Whether you’re divorced or not, getting kids involved in sports can be pricey. It’s just plain smart to look around before you dive into purchasing gear or saying “NO!” There are also parent swaps where you can find great deals on used cleats and gear. There’s craigslist.com, used sporting goods stores, e-bay; all sorts of options.

And honestly, the kids could care less. Especially if you establish a budget with them and show them that, if they’re smart they can get a gear bag, bat, glove, batting gloves, helmet, shirt, balls and a pack of bubble gum, all for the same price of a new higher end bat. Even our oldest, who complained about the used bat, fell it love with it once she got home, cleaned it off and had one of the coaches ask, “Where’d you find that bat?! That’s a beaut!”

Then, if one or two of them or even all three stick with it and determine they’re really into it we’ll invest in better equipment that keeps up with their skill level. Meanwhile, they get to learn the basics while we get to enjoy the games and still have money left over for a hot dog and soft pretzel.

And the best part? It isn’t necessarily about the gear, saving money, or the sports themselves. My favorite part of all of this is that the three of them, for the first time EVER have something they ALL enjoy doing and can do together. It gives us a chance to teach them about being a team and supporting each other. In fact, the first time our son yelled, “NICE HIT!” to our oldest I smiled a little inside. I also acknowledged it was worth all the effort and every penny, making me a little less hesitant to “play ball!”

 

 

 

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“Whoa There Partner!!”

So you’ve worked hard since your divorce to pick yourself up and face the world again. You’ve transformed your mindset, taken the high road and grown in so many positive ways. Your outlook has been better, you’re happier, calmer, more content and more at ease. It wasn’t easy, but you managed to see the world from a new perspective and met every challenge head on. You’ve battled negativity and overcome hurdles you never thought you’d ever manage to conquer. You’re approaching anxiety calmly and with a cool head. You’ve remained unrattled even in the most chaotic scenarios. You feel like a new person and you’re convinced you’re on your way to a happier healthier life.

Then this morning you woke up angry, short tempered, frustrated and convinced it’s all falling to pieces. What the hell happened? How is it possible? Where’d the new you go? Now you’re mad at yourself for being mad. And so it reverberates.

But here’s the difference. You’re aware of it. You’ve noticed it. That didn’t happen in the past. The mere fact that you’re recognizing the difference is huge. It’s a new level of consciousness and one that will allow you to weather this emotional storm.

Consider the pace you’ve been going. You’ve accomplished things you’ve never dreamed possible. But you’re only human and at some point your mind and body are going to say, “whoaaa there partner.” It’s inevitable that your system will eventually shut down and require a recharge. If you’re like me, when you’re flying and are forced to stop for a moment, it can be frustrating. You feel momentum and don’t want to stop. But some times we need to pull over and allow our systems to recuperate.

I’ve never been one to believe in the affects of chemical imbalances. But I’ll tell you, my mind is shifting. When you are constantly doing an introspection, considering every aspect of your being and what’s changing day to day, it’s easy to see that something as simple as increasing your intake of water can have a huge affect on your mind and body. Don’t laugh. Try drinking 3 cups of coffee a day for six months and then cutting yourself off. Tell me your body doesn’t reject the idea.

So, you’ve hit a snag. Don’t panic. Give yourself a chance to regroup. Take a few days to give your mind a reprise. Take care of yourself. Workout, drink plenty of water, let the phone go to voice mail, shut off the computer and if you can, spend some time focused completely on the kids. See if in a week or so you don’t feel a difference. I once wrote about life coming and going in waves. Just consider this to be one of those waves you need to ride out. Look for things that may be causing those waves and address them; calmly and thoughtfully. You’ll feel better about yourself again and find yourself headed for calmer waters.

As I’ve said in the past, there really is no finish line. Congratulate yourself on reaching this new plateau of self awareness. To be at a point that you can recognize a shift in your approach is a big deal. It means you’ve probably come farther than you even recognized. So stop, take a deep breathe and just contemplate the amazing things that lie ahead as you continue to grow and move forward.

Peace!

- Side note: As you know. I’m not a therapist. I don’t have a degree in psychology. I only know what I’ve experienced first hand and share it with you in hopes that it may help you through what can be a difficult transition. If you find yourself continuing to have bouts of anger, frustration or depression over long stretches I would strongly urge you to seek the help of someone who is more equipped to get to what could be a deeper root. Meanwhile, give yourself a break. Recognize that you’re human and need to stop from time to time and recharge. This is not a journey to be taken alone. You owe it to yourself to fInd a friend or if you feel it’s necessary, a professional to talk to. 

 

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Wearin’ It On Your Sleeve

Every time I experience a stressful week or two or eight, I take specific notice of my health. I can see it deteriorate before my eyes, especially if I’m not careful or don’t take the time to exercise. It’s amazing how much stress can affect our ability to just smile and how quickly it can cause our moods, our demeanor and outlook to spiral out of control. Eventually, when it affects our health it only gets worse as the results of poor health make it more difficult to deal with day to day issues and the problem only escalates.

But look, it’s not like I’m telling you anything you don’t already know. The point of this entry is not to preach on the dangers of stress, but more to encourage awareness and ask the question that came to my mind this past week; “Where do you wear YOUR stress? Is it your head? Heart? Stomach?”

Throughout my life, I’ve watched my own family carry their stress in their own unique ways. Some had stomach issues, others migraines, a few had heart disease, back aches, ulcers, high blood pressure, depression, anger, you name it, someone in our family had it covered. As I looked closer, it was obvious that how we all dealt with stress was something we inherited from our parents. It made me stop and look at my own children and what they were witnessing as they saw me handle stress.

For me personally, I carry my stress in my gut and if left un-dealt with long enough, I’ll eventually end up doubled over. This is particularly true if I fail to exercise consistently. I learned at an early age that if I threw on my nikes and put in 3-4 miles the worries would seem more manageable, the pain would go away and my outlook was typically much brighter. Perhaps the most important aspect was it provided me with the energy I needed to tackle the pile of crap that was overwhelming me and causing me stress in the first place.

As I worked through my divorce I also reflected on the fact that I had typically worn my stress on my sleeve, creating an up and down emotional environment for my kids and more than likely people I worked with as well. My ex-wife first made me aware of this tendency and it’s been a goal of mine to become continually more consistent in how I respond to stress and anxiety. Again, it’s about looking in the mirror and being aware of the affects stress is having on us.

I don’t think anyone would be surprised to hear that divorce in and of itself is a stressful event to live through. The resulting tangents, twists and turns your life goes through as you cope with adjusting to life as a divorcee exponentially increase the opportunities for anxieties and worries to raise stress levels and increase the risk of health issues associated with stress. The point here is that divorce is a huge source of anxiety and the ensuing stress is dangerous. Recognizing that stress is taking its toll on your mind, heart, stomach etc. is an important element of survival. Being aware of what stress is doing to you physically and the affect it’s having on those around you is essential in managing your life and being prepared to overcoming the hurdles in front of you. Ignoring these affects can cripple you if you’re not careful.

Finding a means of relieving that stress is a must. You need to find a release and take steps to focus more on your health and minimize the stress as much as you can. Sometimes this means making difficult financial choices or career changes. It may mean buying a treadmill or forcing yourself to buy a new pair of hiking shoes. Regardless, I think if you look deep enough into your soul you’ll see the answers relatively clearly. You may not always like them. But they’re typically there staring you in the face and can represent a path to calmer waters.

And don’t roll your eyes, but when at all possible, maintaining a positive relationship with your ex can help eliminate or lesson the amount of stress in your life as you attempt to reach the next phase of your life, whatever that is. Becoming combative, holding grudges and pointing fingers only escalates stress and creates more weight on your own shoulders. Yes it may hold you back in some ways from moving forward, but adjusting to life as a divorced dad is not an overnight event. It takes time. Each step brings new understanding and growth. Do your best not to rush to the next step. Take a deep breathe, take your time, consider your choices, and keep your focus on the people that matter most, your kids.

So stop, reflect, think back. Have you laughed today? Did anything make you smile? Did you require an extra
dose of extra strength Tylenol to make it through the afternoon? Is this four days in a row like that? Believe me, it’s just not worth it. What’s important is not only smiling yourself, but giving your kids a reason to smile and laugh and feel good about their world. If you’re stressed, chances are you’re more abrasive, less likely to stop what you’re doing and toss the football or play tea party. You may not realize it, but in essence, you’re simply passing your stress on to your children. Yeah … they’re watching. And smarter than you think. As with most things in life, how you deal with your stress is something your kids will watch very closely. They’ll carry that with them the rest of their lives. So here’s your chance to take a good look at yourself and your own well being. Because if you’re not careful, you more than likely will run the risk of creating a scenario where your stress is more than just something you wear on your sleeve. If we’re not careful, it can quickly become a hand me down.

 

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