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Category Archives: beginnings

It’s All Downhill From Here

27 Jan

Being born in Western, NY, I grew up with snow. Hence, many of the stories I tell my kids about my childhood involve snow and lots of it. It’s something I think every kid should experience and something I want my kids to know. I want them to know what it feels like to fall face first in it or go, what feels like 120 mph, completely out of control down a hill with 30 mph winds blowing fresh powder in their face. I want them to have a memory ofchesnutridge6 rolling around in 18 inches of fresh pack powder and then defrosting in front of a warm fire, only to go back out into the frozen tundra for another round. I want them to feel huge snowflakes on their eyelashes as they walk up a hill listening to the crunch of the snow packing under their footsteps.

Unfortunately, being that we live in the south those are hard memories to come by.  So every year around this time my kids and I watch the weather forecast in Buffalo, NY very closely. And upon the first sign of a good lake effort storm we pack our bags, grab a new set of long johns, boots, gloves and anything else we may be missing and stay glued to the Weather Channel App. And when it hits, no matter when it is, we jump in the jeep and we head north.

It takes a lot of effort on everyone’s part to make the trip work. Driving that many hours crammed in something other than a mini-van is not something I would recommend for anyone with a weak stomach. But having traveled as much as our kids have in their short lives, they’ve become pros. So they burry their heads in DVD’s, i-pod touches, and Nooks and buckle in for the long journey demanding I go through the drive thru to save 20 minutes. After twelve hours on the road, we usually commandeer an unsuspecting family member’s home. We then proceed to partake in winterpalooza and enjoy two or three days of non-stop sledding, snowman building, chestnutridge5chicken wing eating, snowball fighting and hot chocolate drinking. It’s become a tradition and this year was no different.

I won’t lie. It’s an effort. Twelve hours (both ways) in tight quarters all for the sake of a few hours of playing in the white fluffy stuff is a test for any family. But I’ll tell you. It’s worth it. To hear the first exclamation of “LOOK SNOW!” as we head into Ohio. The giggles of anticipation. To witness the first snowball thrown during a routine stop for fuel and bathroom breaks. And then to see them all bundled up in their snow pants, boots, gloves, scarves, hats and mittens. Ready to brave mother nature’s fury. It’s just amazing and worth every mile.

There was one point on the third day when we had stopped for our last day of sledding. Wind gusts were 50 mph off the lake and it was only about 20 degrees out. One of the kids refused to get out of the car. But I had promised the other two they could have one more day so I literally picked the disgruntled snow bunny out of the car and carried her to the lodge. Three hours later she was the one pleading for one more time down the hill. And that’s how it goes. Part of the trip isn’t just about the experience of the snow and the environment. It’s about continually demonstrating to the kids what happens when you push yourself a bit. When you go outsidechestnutridge4 your comfort zone and try something you otherwise would forgo in leu of sitting on the couch watching an episode of i-Carly.

To accomplish that, we as parents sometimes have to push ourselves as well and go outside our own comfort zones. In the process we ourselves gain experiences we otherwise would never know the joy of. If I’m thankful for anything, it’s not just the memories of playing in the snow. It’s about the experiences I’ve had because of the kids who pushed me to do things I myself would have never attempted. All for the sake of ensuring they themselves had the chance to try something different.

One thing my ex and I agree on is that memories and experiences far outshine things. It’s not always easy, especially when life gets crazy. But I think it’s important to make these kinds of events the highest priority. Jobs will come and go. Tests can be retaken. Bills will always be there waiting. But their seventh year will only happen once. And then they’ll be going off to college; eventually telling their own kids about their childhood memories. Today is the day to create those memories.

If there was ever anything worth the effort. It’s creating moments for your kids that will last a lifetime. For us one of those memories will be snow.

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2013 in beginnings, being there, bonding, choices, Comfort Zones, Daily Life, Divorce, drive thru, Encouragement, Exercise, family time, new beginnings, physical activity, positives, Purpose, reassurance, roadtrips, snow, taking a break, traveling with kids, Uncategorized

 

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Left Wing, Right Wing, Chicken Wing!

06 Jan

Congratulations. You made it through the holidays and 2012.

As many will attest, the holidays can be a stressful time. It’s perhaps one of the most stressful times of the year, particularly if you’re divorced with kids. As a single parent you wear the stress of many people, not just
end-of-2013-start-of-2013_shutterstockyour own. Along with the joy of dealing with the solitude when you don’t have the kids, carrying the full load when you do have them, finding time to shop for presents and then wrapping them, juggling schedules, school breaks, stretching finances; everyone around you is equally stressed out creating levels of anxiety you never dreamed existed.

The kids of course are experiencing a great deal of their own stress. In many cases it means the majority of their vacation is spent on the road, visiting more than one family, adjusting to a major holiday without mom and dad together and dividing what time they do have between both mom and dad. In some cases it also means trying to understand why mom and dad may be getting along but aren’t together as we do our best to create a harmonious environment to ensure their holiday memories are good ones.

There are family members who are stressed because they don’t understand your situation necessarily and don’t know how to act around you. There are others who; despite your reassurances that everything is fine; ask you 76 times if you’re “really” alright and worry about how you’re handling it all or how the kids are coping.

6a267e83118d66269156e45fd180e4b2-dog-feels-bad-for-knocking-over-christmas-treeAt work; staff and clients are stressed out as everyone is trying to get things done before the break and their moods are swinging back and forth as they deal with their own multitude of home holiday stresses which of course filters its way to your office.

The checkout girl at Kroger glares at you when you have the audacity to ask for paper instead of plastic because SHE’s stressed from all of the overtime hours, the kid who just dumped a dozed eggs all over aisle 9 and not being able to find the little bar thing that separates everyone’s groceries on the conveyer belt.

And let’s not forget the dogs who are picking up on everyone else’s stress and acting up because they’re level of anxiety is at an all time high with the damn tree and presents they’re not allowed to pee on or tear up; all the strangers who come by, having pictures taken with some stupid little elf on their back, the UPS guy ringing the doorbell every 30 minutes and having to spend more time outside or in their crate so that they’re not tripped over.

Then to top it all off the world was piling it on as well. You carried with you the stress of a potential fiscal cliff
and stared a fading NHL season square in the eye. (You may laugh, but NHL fans were struggling with both the nhl_lockout640_640lock out and the fact that people didn’t care.)

From right wing politicians to left wing hockey players and owners fighting, foreign nations in civil conflict, school shootings leaving us all emotionally drained and then of course people arguing over gun laws. I swear, just thinking about it makes me want to check some whiney congressman (or woman) into the boards with an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

But hey! You made it. It’s all history and somehow 2013 started off with some lights at the end of the tunnel. Despite a few bumps in the road and a few dollars missing from your paycheck, everyone made it to the other side. Family visits are over, presents are opened, lights are taken down (or at least turned off), hockey starts in two weeks and D.C. will live to fight another day.

So grab a Molson, order yourself a dozen chicken wings, put on a pair of underwear that Santa stuffed in your stocking and pat yourself on the back. As you do, look back at the past year and recognize all of your
 accomplishments. Think about everything you experienced, everything you felt and everything you’ve learned.

 Stop for a moment and consider how much stronger you are and how far you’ve come. You’ve answered a lot of questions and overcome a lot of issues. New ones will arise of course, but you’re better equipped to deal withPresident Obama Hosts Congressional Leaders To Discuss Fiscal Cliff them. You have a better sense of who you are and where your life is headed. This will be a year of continued growth and understanding; a year of discovering new strengths and abilities. You’ll learn a little more about who you are and what you’re capable of. Of what you’re deserving of and what you need to be happy. And come next Thanksgiving, you’ll find yourself even better equipped to navigate the stresses of another holiday season.

For now look at the new year as a fresh canvas. A chance to spread your wings just a little wider and let your breaths be just a little deeper. It’ll be tumultuous at times no doubt, but you have new tools and skills to carry you forward. Time to pick a new north star and start dreamin’.

In the words of Cakehole Presley, “Choose your spot, grab a rock and hold on.”

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2013 in anxiety, awareness, beginnings, Christmas, dealing with stress, depression, emotional clutter, full schedule, holidays, mental stability, new beginnings, pacing yourself, patience, positives, reassurance, roadtrips, Scheduling, state of mind, Staying Positive, stress, Support, traveling with kids, Uncategorized, vacation, Weekends

 

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Elf Invasion

13 Dec

So, the holidays are upon us and with them, in our house anyway, comes the annual visitation of what has grown into a trio of elves from the North Pole. They seem to have grown quite fond of our kids and follow them regardless of whether they’re staying with their mom or at my house. I’ve done my best to document these visits as well as the shananigans311113_10151256618312908_1341310992_n these jolly little beings have bestowed upon our household, but they can be sneaky little devils.

They arrived this year after much anticipation, riding together in a Barbie Camper they no doubt commandeered from a young doll I later caught one of the boy elves with. Needless to say, it became apparent early on that we were going to have to set some ground rules this year, as it seemed they had become a little “too” comfortable with our home and its inhabitants.

The first couple of weeks were relatively quiet with the three amigos greeting us each morning with the typical hide and go seek game we’d grown accustomed to over the past few years. Some days we’d find them “on a shelf” or “on a lamp.” And of course there would be days we’d find them in their favorite spot nestled within the Christmas tree. But for the most part 58991_10151250524737908_787395670_neverything was fairly tame and the kids would have fun starting off their day at the crack of dawn searching every room of the house to find where they were hiding.

And that’s when things started to take an odd turn. We woke one morning to find that they were apparently unhappy with our method of decorating the house for the holidays and felt we were lacking the proper amount of festive lighting. We caught them in the middle of stringing lights throughout the kitchen with no real concern for whether their plan fit into our overall decorating scheme. And this was just the beginning.

This latest display had raised a certain amount of concern on my part, but I was truly unprepared for what was to come next. I was aware of their reputation to take holiday cheer fairly seriously, and knew that these guys had a tendency to be a little “over the top.” But I was still of the mindset that they were relatively harmless. So imagine my surprise (as well as my kids) when we walked into our living room / kitchen area, only to find that they had helped themselves to our stash of toiletries and TP’d the entire downstairs. 77045_10151278127332908_421981261_n

It was at this point that my son (age 7) decided it was time to take drastic measures and capture the team on video. He worked up a little system with a hidden camera and set it to record each evening before he went to bed. The first couple of nights he was unable to capture any video although the elves managed to grab the camera and take some self portraits. Then, on the morning after the third night, I woke to the sound of my son screaming, “I GOT THEM ON VIDEO!!!” And sure enough, he caught one of them attempting to turn off his camera.

You can see the actual video here:

I have to admit we were all a little freaked out after that. Just knowing that these little guys were capable of some of the activities we’d witnessed is something that would shake up even the most experienced “Big Foot” 75261_10151276516177908_2048404350_nenthusiast. My son is still considering what to do with the footage and whether or not he wants to expose our little friends to the dangers that would come from people attempting to capture them. The elves meanwhile must have come to the same conclusion as since that time things have been relatively tame.

We all have our special holiday memories that we look back on for a smile now and then. Thankfully our family will have these memories to last a lifetime. And the best part is that they’re all documented with photographic and video evidence to be passed on from generation to generation.

As I’ve written before, a divorce doesn’t have to mean the end of joyous holidays and fond memories. There are plenty of places to find the joy of Christmas as a family and bring cheer to each and every member of the household. The level of Christmas cheer within our walls continues to grow thanks in part to the efforts of some very creative little elves. Hopefully your home is equally filled with a spirit that brings smiles and warmth to your kids regardless of whether your kids live in two homes or one. The important part is that they continue to build fun memories they’ll carry with them the rest of their lives.

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2012 in bedtime, beginnings, Christmas, Divorce, holidays, mental stability, mental wellness, new beginnings, positives, Staying Positive

 

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Living Memories!

03 Dec

You would think that after ten years of being a parent, I would have become accustomed to the concept. Yet there are still days when I’m simply overwhelmed by what it means to be a dad. To wake to a smiling little face looking to me for guidance along with a bowl of cereal completely blows my mind some mornings. The holidays in particular bring so many emotions to the forefront. Because think about it; each day you’re literally living their memories. Just as you wish some days you could go back and relive a moment, those moments are happening for your child, right now. They will look back at the pictures you’re taking today the same way you1442_40453547907_3760_n
look at pictures from your own childhood. So don’t look now, but you’re living your child’s past; today.

Every night my kids ask me to tell them stories about my childhood. In doing so I’m continually reflecting on my perspective as a child and how I viewed the world, my home and my own parents. I find myself reliving my own Christmas memories and searching for understanding as to why certain memories stand out from the rest. To now view myself on the other side of that equation is a true wake up call as I see every day how my efforts and choices directly build the memory banks of my own kids.

I pulled the kids aside last night and we looked up at our newly decorated Christmas tree. They commented on how much they loved it and how so many of the decorations told stories about their lives. They were already reflecting on Christmas’ past. All of them kept commenting on their first ornament and their favorite Christmas moments. Even now it’s starting and as a parent it can be a little overwhelming thinking of yourself as the cruise director of their little lives. After all, it’s not about entertaining them every minute of the day, but teaching them how to be responsible happy adults. And I’m sure we can all remember holiday memories that involve a screaming child or two.

Thankfully, we spent this particular morning decorating together, listening to Christmas music together, laughing together, baking together, working together and simply enjoying a sunday in December. For me that was the greatest 2012-12-02 21.59.40Christmas gift I could have received. To see them reach that milestone of being a family and being able to truly enjoy being together building a memory was magical. I visualized them twenty years from now looking back on this particular Sunday, telling their own kids about it; and smiling.

There are days when, as a parent, you’re going to be convinced you’ve completely screwed up your kids. It may be a day of decorating you anticipated being blissful, that ends up with the kids in their respective rooms “thinking about how they could have handled the situation better.” This particular morning gave me hope that perhaps, despite being in separate houses, my ex-wife and I had made some progress and done some things right. Perhaps all of our efforts to maintain as much positive as we can and continue working together were paying off.

It’s your choice how you live these years with your children. As a divorced dad, obviously there is a sense of disappointment you hold within that you weren’t able to maintain the full family dynamic under one roof. But your kids are looking to you to see how you react to it and how you embrace it. You have an opportunity to demonstrate that life goes on and you can make the most of it. You have a chance to create amazing memories for them and provide them with the assurance that their lives don’t have to be miserable just because their mom and dad don’t live together anymore.

As parents we’re inevitably going to screw up our kids on some level. I think that’s just part of life. Their perception will dictate certain aspects of how the world treats them regardless of what we do. That, in and of itself can be overwhelming. So remind them of how much they’re loved and how happy you are that they’re there when they are there. And yes, BE happy they’re there. Focus on the magic that is, being a dad (or mom). It’s hard work. It forces you to really look at yourself and who you are. You’ll make sacrifices. They’ll force you KID160ChildrenMakingMemories
to make some really hard choices. And it will stop you dead in your tracks some days when you look in the mirror and say, “Holy crap! I’m the parent of a _________ year old!”

And you are. You’re a parent. I think on some level, that never fully sinks in. Because just when you’ve managed to accept the fact that you have a child in kindergarten, suddenly you have a child preparing to enter middle school. Trying to keep up emotionally is tough. I’m ten years in and it still hasn’t completely sunk in. And honestly, I’m beginning to believe it never will. Perhaps it’s because my life isn’t necessarily what I envisioned it would be. And because of that I continually have to reassess where I’m at and where I’m headed. I could make the choice to be bitter and angry over certain things. But what sort of memories would that leave the kids with? And truthfully, I’m where I am because of previous choices I made and those choices brought me some incredible memories of my own along with three amazing kids. Three amazing kids who continue to overwhelm, inspire and wake me up with a smile; looking for guidance and a bowl of cereal.

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2012 in awareness, beginnings, bonding, Daily Life, dealing with stress, Divorce, emotions, family time, holidays, hurdles, Kid Tips, love, patience, roles, siblings, sisters, Staying Positive, Support, Talking To Kids, Uncategorized, Weekends, working together

 

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On-Line Dating

29 Nov

Those who read LAADD know that I tend to avoid the topic of dating. It’s a tough one. And honestly I have limited experience in that area. But recently I’ve received several questions about on-line dating services so I thought I would break down and share my own, albeit brief, story and thoughts on the subject.

One day, not very long after my wife and I had established separate addresses and our divorce was final, my daughters started to promote the idea that I should get a girlfriend. The eldest then sent me a link to Match.com and both encouraged me to sign up. And of course as soon as you change your relationship status on Facebook, within minutes you’re inundated with ads encouraging you to find someone special along with links that can accommodate your heavy heart.

When your world has been shattered and the love of your life has grown to be, let’s just say, not so much the love of your life, the ability to search for new love on line is a tempting one. An irrational one, but a tempting one none the less. And of course, like many of you, I signed up for one of these services and gave it a shot. Forked over a good chunk of change and eventually went on a lunch date or two. I managed to meet one or two interesting people through the process, but for the most part I found the experience remarkably disappointing and disheartening.

I left with an opinion that on-line dating services were really just preying on lonely people. People who were searching for a sense of feeling attractive and loved. I personally have a problem with companies that take advantage of people who are vulnerable. And truthfully, my initial experience did nothing to change my mind, in fact it only reenforced it. Then, of course someone suggested the big daddy, e-Harmony. “They’ve got it down to a science” I was told. “They’re commercials are awesome!” And so, somewhat reluctantly, and against my better judgement I gave it a shot. Shelled out $60 for a month and gave it a look. And within 4 days I felt the same sense of being taken advantage of and quickly called for a refund. That’s when the fun started.

“Unfortunately sir you’re outside the 3 day trial period and therefore a refund is not an option for you.” I heard this not once, but about 50 times through four calls with six service representatives. I explained the circumstances and that I hadn’t noticed the three day requirement and eventually offered to pay for the time I was on, but felt $60 for 4 days was a bit ridiculous, thinking any rational individual would see that truth. But to no avail. They just kept selling and selling and sticking to their policy with no wiggle room. Their script was well rehearsed and their reps very well trained to refute any rebuttal. They had my cash and weren’t letting go. If I didn’t have a bad taste in my mouth before, I certainly did now. For me this just confirmed my belief that, while it may work for some and there are likely success stories, for the most part they’re just a business that preys upon the lonely.

Obviously, this was just my own experience and obviously I was skeptical to begin with. But then I looked around on line and started to find story upon story from people of all walks of life that sounded very similar. You may find success with these on-line companies, but my honest opinion is that they’re more song and dance than substance. It’s a game of percentages and for them apparently every penny is sacred. It’s a business after all and whether you find success or just spend a few days (more than three anyway) on the site looking around; don’t expect to get any money back if you’re not thrilled with the product.

When your marriage is in turmoil or when it falls apart completely, it’s natural to look to others for a sense of feeling attractive, worthy and wanted. There’s comfort in that. And perhaps these on-line dating services help in some way to provide that confidence again as you receive “winks” from other members who want to get to know you better. But before you pull out your credit card, first take a look on line to read about other people’s experiences. Then take a good hard look at where you’re at in your personal rebirth. Are you seriously ready for a new relationship? Are you prepared to move forward? Is your heart truly healed and your head prepared to focus on someone new? And by all means, be prepared for what you’re getting into and keep your expectations realistic. The dating scene is a tough one whether off line or on.

Personally I’ve come to believe you really need to first focus on being comfortable with yourself and feel good about being alone. Get to know who you are and how great it can be to be self sufficient. That’s not to say you shouldn’t lean on others. It just means the more you can be OK being alone, the less likely you are to put too much pressure on a relationship, which in turn will make it healthier and balanced.

Remember, there are people out there who see your vulnerability as a chance to make a quick buck. They’ll promise you love, riches, lower interest rates, a free i-pad, even hair if they think they can tap that insecurity of yours and get you to pull out your credit card. Am I cynical? Yup. I’m also a hopeless romantic. But experience has taught me that all good things take a lot of time, a significant amount of effort a little luck and most important of all, the right state of mind. That last one is key. I’m a passionate person, but have learned the hard way more than once, that a decision based on emotion can really bite you in the ass (and the pocket book).

Have you had any experience with on-line dating services? Would love to hear about it good or bad.

 
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Posted by on November 29, 2012 in Alone, alone time, awareness, beginnings, Daily Life, dating, dealing with stress, Divorce, emotional clutter, love, Retail Love, transitioning, Uncategorized

 

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Go TEAM!

17 Nov

So, we’re going to try a new system in our household.

In an effort to teach the kids the value of teamwork, we’re going to start having projects / chores that are completed as a team. Dishes, cleaning, raking leaves, washing the dog, anything that requires the efforts of all three working together. The effort / outcome will then be graded on an A-F scale with A equalling five points, B equalling four, all the way down to F which will garner one point. Points will then be added over time with
different events having specific point values. For example; bowling will equal 50 points, going to the movies will cost 100 points, a trip to Kings Island 500 points etc.

They’ll have the opportunity to win as a team or fail as a team and hopefully recognize that selfishness, arguing and working against each other will still require the job getting done, but not earn them any points.

In the past when two of them have argued or fought, the answer was to separate them. I’ve started sticking them in a room together for an hour (ala “The Parent Trap) to start clarifying my expectation that they’re going to have to work it out together. They’re going to be siblings the rest of their lives, time to start learning to lean on each other rather than constantly argue. Same holds true for chores. Doing the dishes, cleaning the house, helping with laundry; all of it is an opportunity for them to learn how to divvy up tasks and figure out how to achieve as a team rather than compete against each other.

First round was a little rough, but I think over time they’ll figure it out.

Have you tried something similar? Would love to hear what worked and what didn’t.

Stay tuned for updates from time to time.

 
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Posted by on November 17, 2012 in beginnings, Behavior, chores, cleaning, Laundry, roles, siblings, sisters, Work, working together

 

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One Year Anniversary!

11 Nov

One year ago today I posted my first blog entry for Life as a Divorced Dad. Not exactly sure what it was that caused me to take that first step. Honestly, I think deep down inside I knew I couldn’t make it through my
divorce on my own. When my wife and I went our separate ways I knew I had to change some things, the most important of which was my tendency to keep the world out. And so I started to take steps to invite people in. Life as a Divorced Dad was just one way of doing that. In doing so I began to learn more about myself and became less intimidated by the world and the divorce that had shattered so many truths about my world that I’d grown to trust. It’s been such an amazing experience, one that’s introduced me to so many amazing people and it feels like I’m just getting started.

Regardless of what got the ball rolling, the fact that it’s still going and growing is, to me, the most remarkable thing. It was through this blog that I learned perhaps the most important thing about going through a divorce. That you shouldn’t even consider going through it alone. The most important thing is to allow your friends, family and others going through the same thing to take the journey with you and be there to support you. Divorce will cause you to question everything about your being. It will shake even the strongest foundations. But sometimes all it takes is reading about someone else who is going through the same struggles to know that you can make it. To know there’s someone else who understands your state of mind and can reassure you that even the darkest days will pass, is crucial to your mental well being and moving on with your life.

As LAADD enters its second year, my personal goal is to expand readership and continue to promote the positives. Divorce is full of negatives no doubt. But maintaining a focus on your kids, yourself and putting all of the pain, hurt and negativity behind you will help you grow as an individual and find new levels of contentment and happiness. It will strengthen your relationship with your kids, your friends, your family and yes, even your ex. Recognizing that the world you left behind was one that was draining you of your self worth and well being is in and of itself a positive step forward. Learning to get past it, learn from it and move forward is a journey. We’re not alone and together we can help each other grow and find new unimagined levels of happiness.

Thank you for following and I hope if you’ve found value in LAADD that you’ll pass it on and invite others to come along with us. It may not always feel like it, but peace is right around the corner.

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2012 in beginnings, connecting, Daily Life, Divorce, Encouragement, journey, Staying Positive, transitioning

 

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Us vs Them

05 Nov

I recently received a message from a friend of mine whose marriage is sadly coming to an end. They are both amazing people in their own right, but as is so often the case, sometimes it just doesn’t work. He and his wife also have a beautiful daughter together which is, of course, what this blog is all about.

What was distressing to me about his particular circumstance was that rather than the end of the relationship being a decision that had come about through discussions, then a mutual decision to split, and a subsequent discussion about what was best as a family moving forward in terms of filing; one party filed papers without the other’s knowledge which was done by advisement from the attorney they had consulted. From my perspective this establishes an Us vs Them scenario where both sides are immediately on the defensive establishing their respective lines of attack. In doing so, it is now likely that the other person will have to get their own attorney and there will be a lot of back and forth communication and negotiating between attorneys, which in turn creates additional costs.

For me this raised the question, “Do you realize there’s another option?” When my ex-wife first approached me about splitting up, my immediate reaction was, aside from the devastation of recognizing that your marriage was ending, was “Crap, this is going to cost me a fortune.”  I also saw a lot of battling over custody, who gets what and how much, convincing a judge I’m a good dad etc. But to her credit, this was not about what will she get and how much, this was about working together to raise our children within two separate residences. We immediately felt it would be best for everyone involved if we could avoid having a judge decide things and eventually worked through one attorney which brought our final cost in at roughly $1,500.00.

Was it easy? No. It meant us working together on all of the stipulations about finances and custody and schedule. And we both gave in a LOT! This was especially true when it came to finances and our home. And we both struggled with our egos and the natural tendency to protect ourselves at the expense of the other. It was hell. But by keeping the mental welfare of our children as the primary focus, we were able to acknowledge when other things really didn’t matter as much. We recognized that this wasn’t going to be a cake walk for anyone and the important thing was getting the transition in motion so we could all move forward and keep the ugliness to a minimum.

I realize not every marriage is going to present itself with these options. But, in cases where both acknowledge that this is going nowhere and that divorce is really the only answer, I have a problem accepting the fact that anyone benefits from one person going off and filing papers without the knowledge of the other. All this does is scare the crap out of the other person who feels completely in the dark and is then scrambling to make sure they don’t get screwed. It also sets a tone of “I’m not working with you on this” and “it’s every spouse for him/herself.” In turn everyone gets defensive and tempers flair more easily. Now instead of focusing on the child, we’re focusing on protecting our own butts and before you know it the entire hockey season is lost.

While it means breaking bad communication habits you obviously already had as a couple or you likely wouldn’t be in this position in the first place, the whole point here is to work together, putting aside differences and ensuring that the child(ren) have the ability to maintain positive strong relationships with both parents. Yes, it means giving in on some things and it sucks at times and you’re going to get mad at each other and you’re going to battle. But working through it together, through a single attorney can save you both money AND ensure that the two of you make the important decisions rather than a judge.

Now, obviously every situation is different and there are cases where one party needs to draw the line and start the process. And of course there are cases where the judge really needs to be the one making the decisions. But if there’s a chance you both want what’s best for everyone involved; then working out the parenting
schedule, financials and other issues together sets the stage for adjusting things as you go along and assisting each other week to week as your own schedules change. In the end it makes for a much more successful transition for everyone; most importantly the kids.

It’s hard! But your kids are looking to you to set the tone for this entire event. They’re confused, scared and likely putting a lot of blame and pressure on themselves. They need you two more than ever and they need you working together at a time when you’ve recognized you can’t work together. Sucks, I know. But most likely, you’ve both worked hard raising your child. And if you look hard enough to the root of it, you both recognize strengths you both bring to the table. The bottom line is, those little hearts need both of you and the last thing they need is to feel like they have to choose sides. And the best way to accomplish that is to avoid establishing those sides in the first place. Because the reality is, even though you’ll be divorced, on some level you will ALWAYS be a family.

 

 
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Posted by on November 5, 2012 in awareness, beginnings, Divorce, Staying Positive, Uncategorized, working together

 

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