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Monthly Archives: November 2011

And We’re Back!

There have been several times during the past few months when I’ve had stark reminders of the changes in my life and how different today is than the same day was a year ago. I’m finding the holidays are proving to be more of an emotional challenge than I anticipated as it starts to sink in that this is our new reality. Moments like Thanksgiving dinner are specific moments that the kids have to compare against previous years and not surprisingly, you can see them trying to adjust and make sense of it all. That’s a lot for an adult, let alone a 7 year old.

All in all the week was amazing. Even the trip (minus the final two hours in the car) was spectacular. It was one of those bonding moments for everyone including the kids and a holiday we’ll probably never forget. I asked all three of them at some point what their favorite part of the week was and my middle child told me that it was being with her family. There were 14 of us around the table and for the kids, from all accounts, they truly felt a part of something. And that’s perhaps the most important thing I got out of our trip. For them to be able to recognize that despite the changes, they’re still a part of something like that was, for me, a breakthrough.

My life is so full of turmoil of late as I desperately attempt to build new foundations and building blocks, that to walk away from a trip like that with 3 kids who are excited about the holidays and recognizing that they’re still loved by so many people, it’s at times overwhelming. At the same time it’s somewhat reassuring that perhaps I’m handling things better than I realize as are they.

Have a great week.

 

Thanksgiving

Going to keep this one short as I’m preparing to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It will be the first time my youngest will have Thanksgiving with my immediate family. We had always gone to my ex-wife’s family for the holiday not for any selfish reason on her part, just the way we had worked out holiday visits over the year.

The trip here was amazing. 13 hours in the car with 3 kids and they did great. Thank goodness for the DVD player, the i-phone and the Nook tablet.  Not a nap was taken the entire trip I might add.

It’s an interesting time in my life and every step is a new one including holidays without a wife by my side. So many mixed emotions, but you simply acknowledge and move on I guess. All I can do is prepare myself to be ready to adjust and be a positive for the kids. So far, they’re doing great and are enjoying time with Nana and Papa and their aunts and uncles.

Looking forward to a great day tomorrow. So much to be thankful for.

Will catch up again as we prepare for our next adventure; the trip back!

 

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2011 in Daily Life, holidays

 

On the road…

3 hours in and we’re stuck. Rain has accidents left and right. Kids are doing such a great job!

More to come.

 
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Posted by on November 21, 2011 in dealing with stress, holidays, Kid Tips

 

1 Car, 3 Kids & 700 Miles

Tomorrow morning the kids and I will embark on a 12 hour (700 mile) trip north to visit my family for Thanksgiving. It will be our first post divorce road trip and our first major holiday without their mom and I together. It will also mark the first time we’ve been with my family for Thanksiving in several years.

Will be posting updates on Twitter and Facebook so be sure to stay tuned. 3 kids, 700 miles, 1 car and a bag of snacks! Hopefully between the Nook, DVD player and i-phone they’ll be able to stay occupied and out of each other’s space.

More to come!

 
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Posted by on November 21, 2011 in holidays, roadtrips, traveling with kids

 

Run For Your Life!

It’s not what you think. In fact it’s probably just the opposite.

When you become a single parent, even when it’s a joint custody situation, time management becomes a required skill set on a much higher level than you’ve ever needed in the past. Every decision, action, and thought about your world is in your hands. A simple trip to the grocery store to buy milk requires putting all three kids in the car because there’s no one else to watch them. Add to the mix, work, deadlines, finances, laundry, groceries, house maintenance, school, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, meetings, … before you know it the week is over and you’ve accomplished a lot, but have spent little if any time on one very important person and that’s you.

I can’t tell you what it is about taking an hour here and there to exercise, but it does wonders I promise. I’ve been an avid runner since the age of 7. It’s an important part of my life. Since the divorce my ability to find time to fit in in has become more challenged. But I know that there are days when that 30-45 minutes literally saved my life and my state of mind. It’s a chance to just blow off steam. Sometimes yell out loud at who ever you want without recoil. It relieves aches, sore shoulders, releases tension and leaves you feeling incredibly drained, but in a good way.

There are days I really just don’t have the energy or gumption to get out there. But when I force myself to go, even for just 2-3 miles, I ALWAYS feel better afterward. I intentionally push myself sometimes to limits beyond what I think I have in me and it never fails to put me in a much better state of mind.

It could be chemical. It could be mental. But regardless. It’s an essential aspect of dealing with everything you have to deal with and puts me in a much better state of mind to handle the pressures of the new schedule.

Some additional reading:

http://running.about.com/od/running101/a/mentalbenefits.htm

http://www.thinkmuscle.com/articles/obrien/exercise-for-mental-health.htm

 

Retail Love

So, had that experience that all parents just love to pieces tonight; the dreaded, “carrying your kid out the door kicking and screaming because you didn’t buy them something, ” drama. Oh, I felt it coming. It started with a simple return / exchange I needed to do. As is typically the case, the kids were well informed ahead of time that there would be no purchases made during this particular trip. Seemed easy enough. Get in, get out, get er’ done.

Ah, but the youngest had other plans despite his assurance that he understood there would be no exchange of coin during this transaction. And so, confident we were ready and well prepared, in we went.

Now, we’ve been to the book store a million times. And some times we buy a small book or two and other times we don’t. When we do they have a budget to adhere to and seem to enjoy the browsing almost as much as the buying. When we’re not there to purchase, which I personally think is a good exercise, they understand well in advance that there will be no buying today. But it never fails, one of them typically finds something they HAVE to have and end up throwing a fit over it. Such was the case this evening, although there was a twist. There really wasn’t anything the youngest really WANTED so to speak. What I noticed was, that as we were preparing to leave, he got antsy. It was like he felt he couldn’t leave without experiencing the high of getting something new. I saw him trolling through the Christmas book section, (Sorry, “holiday” section), racing through isles, and just picking random books he may or may not want. As he started to hit panic mode I advised him that it was time to go and started for the door. It was at that moment that he lost it and we hit DEFCON 5.

Oddly enough, for me it was more of a “been there done that” experience. My oldest had on more than one occasion found herself over my shoulder screaming her head off as we walked out of Target. And the middle one still informs me every trip or so that “you’re going to buy me that barbie right now mister!” It was in those early experiences that I learned to ignore the stares, the disapproving eyes, the “who’s in charge” looks from mostly single people who have “no idea” what they’re in for in a few years. I had come to appreciate that a good majority of the onlookers had “been there” themselves and were watching to see how I would handle the ensuing anarchy.

So, with that in mind, pulling from several years of experience, I calmly picked him up and made my way for the door. Much to my amazement, the louder and more frantic his screams of disapproval got, the calmer I became, at one point literally laughing as we made our way passed the registers. My oldest quickly pulled her hood over her head and covered her face with embarrassment, trying desperately to stay just far enough ahead of us to ensure there would be some doubt as to whether or not she was actually associated with us.

There was no yelling on my part, no reaction really other than just making the trip to the car as quick as possible. And then it happened. As I exited the store I passed a 40 something woman who was just entering. She seemed to have that weathered by parenting look about her and as she passed me I caught her assessing the situation as it approached her. It was a, “wonder what the story here is” look. Once she had gathered enough information to pass judgement I got the “yup … been there” glance of approval with a touch of “but still your son’s coming off a bit spoiled” look that reassured me that this too shall pass and we’ll all move on.

And of course … it did. Within five minutes of getting jr strapped in and on the path home, the screaming ceased and the requests for McDonalds began and we were on our way.

I think I’ve learned that around 7 or 8 they start to figure out, with enough encouragement and experiences, that it’s o.k. to leave a store without a new toy or skirt. They’ll live … and so will Target.

 

Cosby

I remember watching a stand up routine by Bill Cosby back when I was a kid. There is a part where he talks about having to repeat himself a thousand times because his kids won’t listen to him. I think of that routine just about every day lately as I’m having to tell my kids 30 times to go brush their teeth or go put their pj’s on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87uzTTXqIMY

It could be one of THE most frustrating aspects of having three of them because they feed off of each other. One ignores you so all three do. So what’s the deal?

Have been looking up some resources to get some answers. Here are a few that seem to offer some good insights that may help.

http://www.parenting-journals.com/95/get-your-child-to-listen-the-first-time/

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/25-ways-talk-so-children-will-listen

http://www.micheleborba.com/blog/2011/01/05/michele-borba-15-tips-to-get-kids-to-listen-the-first-time/

Getting to the root of WHY they’re not listening I think is important and I tend to agree with the one article that states they’re trying to gain control because they feel they don’t have any. Couple that with their ages and a few other elements and you literally have the perfect storm. So perhaps one answer is to provide them with things that they can control to off-set that trend. Obviously the divorce gives them a sense that they have absolutely no say in what’s happening. When they stay with me I try to offer them tasks that they’re in charge of to help them feel they’re in control of at least something. And of course there’s always the ‘lead by example’ approach.

I think the biggest lesson here for us parents is to remember that for every action there’s usually an underlying cause that we may not be considering. They’re not acting out because they’re bad kids. They’re working through something and it’s our job to try to dig beneath the surface and help them through it which in turn helps everybody. When they act up your first question to yourself should be, “I wonder what might have happened to them today to trigger this behavior.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve discovered that something that happened at school was causing one of them to act up. Staying calm and turning it into a mental puzzle of sorts turns you into a detective. When you figure it out it’s one of the most gratifying moments of triumph you’ll ever experience as a parent I promise you.

 

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Morning Grump

My kids are, for the most part, really good at getting themselves ready to go in the morning. Even the youngest will get himself dressed on his own from time to time. I rarely have to push anyone to get up. They love school and know that sleeping in isn’t an option. And for the most part they come down cheery and ready to roll even on those rainy mornings like today when they’d all rather just curl up in bed for another hour.

On occasion one of them will wake up on the wrong side of the bed and begin bellowing orders from their bedroom. And there was a time when I first became a parent, (o.k. and still from time to time even now) that I would let a young grumpy soul affect my morning. With three of them running around, it’s not difficult for one ornery little bug to upset the rest and create chaos as we’re preparing to get everyone on the bus.

Anyone who has been in that position can appreciate the negative energy it creates and how it can quickly snowball into disagreements about what shoes they’re going to wear, who’s sitting where at the breakfast table, who won’t share the brush, who’s a stupid head and so on … urrrggg. And of course at that stage of the process every second counts.

Through the last few years I’ve slowly become more accustomed to the events of the a.m. and for whatever reason find it takes more to really get me riled. This morning was a great example as one of the kids stayed up later than usual reading the night before and woke up in a huff. Typically I try to let them wake up slowly with a hug first and let them take in a few breathes. That didn’t work this morning though. She came downstairs calling her siblings names and hating everything from where she was sitting at the table to the fact that one of her Honeycombs was broken.

This would typically trickle down to one of the other two who would then get mad and eventually everyone would be slamming doors, throwing sweaters, arguing over pony tail holders and bickering all the way to the bus stop. But today … SUCCESS!!! The other two just rolled with it and we all did our best to just accept that one of us was having a bad morning and worked through it.

Amazing! So proud of them. They have their moments when you look at them and can’t believe you’re going to unleash this individual into the world for the day. But then there are those times when progress illuminates itself and you see that perhaps, even if by accident, something is getting through to them. Those are the days that after they get on their way, I sit back with a nice cup of coffee and allow myself to relish in it for ten minutes before I go off to take on the world myself.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go clean up the path of destruction they left in their efforts to get ready for the day. :)

 
 
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